Here's my situation. My WH had an affair with old girlfriend. He continues in the assertion that it was only physical for him, he was not/is not attatched to her emotionally. On some levels this makes sense, given I was not providing his SF. I asked him if she fulfilled any other needs besides his need for sex. I asked this question in several different ways over the past 2 weeks and his answers seem consistent. Here's my question, in your experience, is the time for the affair to end dependent on whether it was an EA or PA? Initially, I would think that because men can more easily seperate sex from emotion, that it would be a shorter time frame to come out of the fog. Am I wrong on this one? I don't see any signs that my H is in a fog or that the A is continuing. He's accounted for all his time and his e-mails and phone calls are closely monitored. Is it possible to just stop the A and not miss the person or long for what the OP gave you? I should add that my H and I have been having sex almost daily since D-day......( but that's another thread altogether) Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated......

Yes, it is possible. That is not to say that what he did was not terrible but men can and do seperate the two on occasion.

Additionally, men often desire sex as opposed to maknig love. We husbands love our wives and enjoy the spiritual and emotional initimacy with making love but there are times when we just want to have sex. There is a difference.

Mr. Bunky,<p>Thanks for your perspective. So do you also think it would be easier for the man to end the A if for him it was just for SF? I realize there is a difference with what my H gets when he has sex with me than what he was getting when he had sex with OW. But would'nt he still miss/long for what he got from OW? Need male perspetive on this one...I don't get it....

tell him to see working girls instead... that definaltely excludes any EA at all

From what I've read, if there was 'emotional entanglement' the affair is much harder to heal. Have you read Torn Asunder? I strongly recommend it. Anyway, in there it says that healing/forgiveness of a one night stand can be immediate. But when there's real emotions involved, it really complicates things.<p>My H's affair started as EA, but led to PA. It's hard for me to accept that he loved her and wanted to spend his life with her. The romantic things he did like writing to her at work, giving her a card, flower, etc. are just as hard to deal with as the sex part of it. <p>He said he did not pursue this out of a need for sex. He had a great sex life at home (which is no longer great, imagine that). In the book, it says that EA will usually lead to PA because of the intense feelings involved. It's almost like a release or some dumb thing.<p>Anyway, I hope that you can work this all out. Have you been to counseling? It sure helped us. Good luck

nfrei,<p>So are you saying you don't believe it's possible to have an PA without emotional attachment? Getting a working girl would make sense if you just wanted the physical, but my H is currently unemployed and we're on a very tight budget,so it would have been very easy for me to find ( I handle the money in our family ) unaccounted for dollars....

maggierose,<p>We have started counseling. I think it will really help in the long run. We have only been to 2 sessions. I'm off to the bookstore tonight. I guess there's a part of me that wants it to be like a 4-5 month long one night stand( easier to heal) , but that does'nt make sense to me and when my H and I talk about it, he keeps insisting he does'nt love OW or want to be with her like he wants to be with me. I'm not sure he really knows himself....his reasons don't make sense....

<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: MD ]</p>

Bump for more comments... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Angel,<p>No, that's not what I've ment, in the contrary: for men it's definately possible to separate sex from emotions, i.e. to have a PA without an EA. Whether that was the case in your case, only you or your H know. Sounds to me that it was both, which is definatly more complex than 'just' a PA.<p>Sorry about my 'working girls' comment - hope I haven't offended anyone out there. It just occurrs to me, that if H's do have a craving & need for the physical thing (which W can't fulfill, eg during pregnancy), then potentially less damage is done to the relationship than by going head first into a full A. Not ideal, sure, but maybe the lesser of 2 evils?<p>Anyway: you also write that your H is currently unemployed... From a male perspective, that's a disaster. How can he look himself in mirror, see himself as the provider & carer to the family when he doesn't have a job? that's how male psychology works (I was job-wise in limbo for just a month, but the emotional impact it had on me far exceeded the money side impact). So, maybe your H's self esteem was seriously down during that phase and he was looking for someone dragging him out of the hole, or just for proof that he is still somebody, a man?<p>Think about that one. Maybe your plan should be to make him feel good & strong somehow. Sounds very theoretical, but maybe we can think of practical ways how to make that happen on the ground. <p>Good luck & keep us updated,
N

ps - Funnily enough, we share the same D Day. Something like having the same birth day, isn't it. What a rotten life.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by angeld94605:
<strong>Mr. Bunky,<p>Thanks for your perspective. So do you also think it would be easier for the man to end the A if for him it was just for SF? I realize there is a difference with what my H gets when he has sex with me than what he was getting when he had sex with OW. But would'nt he still miss/long for what he got from OW? Need male perspetive on this one...I don't get it....</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes, it is easier. To be honest, men can have sex with people they don;t even find attractive. One-night stands very often are the result of the man just wanting to have sex with no emotional attachment. We are just wired differently in that regard.<p>Just to illustrate how callous it can be (and I hesitate to use the word callous but I think it fits in the following situation). When the OM ended it with my wife the first time, he wanted to have sex one last time. He was dumping her but wanting to have sex (for his own pleasure). He even said, "Will you let me make love to you." (What he really was asking was "can I use you for my own gratification").<p>I don't even remember the names of some of the woman I dated, much less the three one-night stands I have had in my life. Torn Asunder is a good book for covering this subject.<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: Mr. Bunky ]</p>

Consider yourself lucky if it was "only a PA"; EA's, as I'm finding out with my wife's EA, are VERY hard to end and have a much longer life...7 months since I found out and counting...it has not ended yet.