I am serious... the distancing and the plan b... arrangement... has had good and bad consequences to me and my H... I really am thinkinbg now I need to do more of Plan a... plan a for life right... but with boundaries and distance... <p>Since my H reacted to b and tough love with.. anger, resentment, and cruelty- sure we actually steepped a little further along.. H came over... new one! first time in months... and he is acting a little lonely... but... I just want more of plan a... myself... I miss him.<p>But goal is him home... not him.... happy as it is in plan a.... thanks for any opinions... I have kind of been doing more plan a... now.. but I really think...if I official on this... I can stop my lb behavior... which for now has been too many calls from me... he says.<p>Honey

Honey,
Oh no.<p>I know that perhaps you cannot convey in your posts your changes in behavior, but from you posts, your H is very inconsistant, volatile and will keep you spinning on the coaster as long as he can. I doubt at this point he can stop it. That doesn't mean he won't be able to at some future point.<p>I think if you let him close, he will push you away. Just as when you withdraw a little, he pulls closer. When my H & I were doing the same thing, I began to think of it as the death spiral.<p>One of us had to change the pattern. I did it because I had the strength...and I was worn out. Then my H made a change because he wasn't rebelling against me.<p>I know you just want to do the right thing. You don't seem to be able to stop contact with him, so I think the one thing you should try is like you say, no LBs.<p>And, he's going to be nice or angry or mean or sweet on some revolving basis on his own. Don't let his behavior throw you from the behavior you are chosing.<p>I'm not against Plan A, but it is very difficult to Plan A effectively when someone is in-your-face cruel.

Thanks Lor, you are right my H is in my face cruel... so what did you do to make it stop... plan b? because when I tried that H started fights about kids, money and any little thing he could... and it just got worse... when I got more hurt.. I got more desperate... to make it better.. part of how I now feel.. I just see us growing farther apart.. and I know that is neither of our true desires... but H seems to be going for a push on it... <p>thanks for the advice... I know I have a very hard time staying totally away... this man used to be the love of my life.. and my best friend.. somehow I think that is left in him... ??? Hugs, H

Honey,
My H had completely different behaviors than you describe with your, yet the pattern of push/pull is very similar.<p>If your H is nice when you pull away...pull away and stay there and see what happens. Think of it as the ball being in his court. Your effort is no lovebusters. As long as he speaks civily to you, take his calls, see him, but if he begins to insult you again, or is drunk, cut him off, ask him to leave. If he threatens you, call the cops. That behavior is NOT OKAY even if you love him.<p>If I were you, I wouldn't have sex with him--a boundary--but that is your decision if you want to be one lover among others. And, sometimes, you can look at it as he is meeting your need for SF. But I didn't get the impression you felt exactly good about it the next day when he was mean again. Sex is not likely to change anything between you, it's just sex.<p>None of us are walking in your shoes, Honey, you have to be the one to make these decisions, you can only control YOU, you cannot control him. If you can't cut off contact, then Plan B won't work.<p>Remember you have personal dignity, no matter what it is he says to you. If you have it, he can't take it, no matter what nasty thing he says.<p>I know you miss him. But if you had him in your home like he is...it would be on-site awful instead of separate dwellings awful. Plan A around the clock is also more difficult than Plan for a couple hours in the evening if he comes over or with a telephone call.<p>Give him space, you can still be kind.

oh no. thats all I have to say.

Hi Lor, thanks for the advice... really I do need plan a with distance... boundaries... as sd and you sd... it is not going to be lovely dovey plan a... but our contact happens regardless.. and it might as well develop into a better relationship not a worse one... thanks for your kind support... <p>My situation is worse because of my h's drinking... very much so... all of the sudden now that he is looking for a job... he is not as much as a partier... he is looking out for those tests you do when you get a job... drug screens.. yea that is it... and just getting more of a responsible person as his padded bank account runs dry... thanks for the encouragement!<p>SOrry for the other oh no's... it is bad... that I tried distance and tough love and it made some things worse... some better... I think I prefer contact.. and saw that it was what was bring ing us together... right now... it is just a hard time...I know I will get through this.. thanksf or the support..<p>Honey