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I'm so happy for you! I've been following your story and hope someday to have a similar story to report. My H has left again to be with OW after a month's absence. I gave it my all during these past few weeks including intimacy which was so difficult for me....it's breaking my heart to have him chose her. I told him I loved him deeply and that I'd try to be here for him when the fog lifts. Steve H. will be helping me to write a Plan B letter this week....I'm getting H out of the house as soon as he returns from OW. I've given everything I can and he's willing to risk it all for someone he's known less than 9 months. The pain is so great.
Wintergal
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SC, I posted this elsewhere, and got no feed back, so I thought I'd add it here. Your wife might find the OM to be like an addiction... Even if she didn't, this should help her recognize the different phases of an episode that might make her want to contact the OM.<p>, For those of you who aren’t familiar with the 5 phases of an addictive episode,(taken from the book, Many Roads, One Journey: Moving beyond the 12 steps", by Charlotte Davis Kasl.) here they are paraphrased with my editing added to make it more relevant to me :<p>1) fleeting thoughts—a thought or image of the addictive behavior (in my case the OM) pops into our mind. Perhaps we saw a car like his, heard a song, went by where we visited, etc. It can be triggered by psychological withdrawal, like loneliness, emptiness, anger. It is here that we have the most control over redirecting our thoughts.<p>2) mental attention (inviting the fantasy in) In this stage the person gives willing attention to the fleeting idea, playing with the fantasy, savoring the feelings of the addiction….Toying with the addictive idea and creating an image triggers a chemical response in the body, a pleasant feeling. The hypnotic trance deepens, allowing the addicted part of the system to take hold…It often just takes one permission giving thought to activate the addiction. Just this time, I have a reason to call him, etc.<p>The high is underway as the person slides into the euphoria of an addictive state. A person many keep this image and the chemical high going for days or weeks, imagining a romantic encounter, sex, etc. For some people, the addiction IS to float off in a fantasy world of euphoric recall of past encounters with the substance of the behavior of choice. At this point you are playing with fire. Making a connection with another human being is often the antidote to addiction bc the bond to the addictive behavior is replaced by the long-for-bond of a caring, understanding human being.<p>3) planning/obsession . In this phase a person makes plan for the addictive acting out. They call the person and arrange to get together, they buy the food, plan where to get the drugs, etc. It is more difficult to intervene at this stage bc the addictive side has gathered momentum. <p>4) acting it out. There may be an orgasmic quality to the release. <p>5) the hang over—involving shame, guilt, remorse or physical withdrawal.<p>The first two phases are where I still find myself..and are most worrisome. But read on for the great news!<p>But yesterday, I made major progress. Yesterday, my oldest son shared some stuff with me that was very upsetting—he had tried pot. Needless to say, I was really upset about it. The OM also has a son about the same age as mine, and had gone through this with his son. I wanted so much to call him up and commiserate and ask for advice as to what to do, how to handle it…most of all, I just wanted an excuse to connect with the OM. Before my planning got underway, I knew, that it was my addiction that was toying with me…making me think that it would be okay to call…just this once, etc.. But I saw through it and wouldn’t let myself, trick myself….Even though my best friend, wasn’t available for support. Nor was my H who was on an overnight field trip with my other son. I hung in there and didn’t call, email, etc. I am so proud of myself. Knowing more about addiction, and the brain chemicals involved, will really, really help me get over the OM.<p>Good luck! AS
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Great News Spacey!!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Where's the cart-wheel smilies when you need them????<p>Deep breathhhhh.... PLEASE watch for actions now to back up the words... DON'T get your hopes up TOO high... take it easy, and KEEP doing what your doing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Yay!!!!
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ashirley: <strong>Hi SC! I'm so happy for you! What a wonderful day!!! Woopie!<p>Just keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great. Try not to focus on the OM, bc really this is all about you and your W. If you can do that, she'll bring up the OM when she's ready to do so. Be with her whenever you have the opportunity...without smothering her. I just love it when my H wants to do stuff with me that he didn't normally do with me...like go to the grocery store or run errands. In one of your messages you mentioned that you use to travel a lot. So she got used to her space and getting along on her own. I think that she really missed you and wished you were there but you couldn't be, so instead of acheing for you she filled the emptiness with other friends and eventually the OM. <p>Hang in there! I am so happy for you...this is major progress.<p>Have a wonderful weekend!<p>Your friend, AS</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Good to have you back AS!!! I missed your insight and encouragement.<p>I really have not been focusing on the OM, but rather on my W, and of course, her actions...and today was wonderful!<p>And we did talk about spending more time together, so we will...thanks again, it's so nice to have the encouragment and support I've gotten from you here!
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WOW seems to be an understatement, even with all the exclamation points after it<p>I have tears, and I'm an old, mean guy. <p>This is why we all come to MB, to learn how to improve ourselves and then hope our Marriage improves also. I hope many that think they don't need a counselor can see that it really can help to get a third party to work with us in our attempts to improve our marriages. <p>I am so happy for you to finally be able to hear this from her. SO HAPPY. <p>Hope it improves from here. <p>SS
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by wintergal: <strong>I'm so happy for you! I've been following your story and hope someday to have a similar story to report. My H has left again to be with OW after a month's absence. I gave it my all during these past few weeks including intimacy which was so difficult for me....it's breaking my heart to have him chose her. I told him I loved him deeply and that I'd try to be here for him when the fog lifts. Steve H. will be helping me to write a Plan B letter this week....I'm getting H out of the house as soon as he returns from OW. I've given everything I can and he's willing to risk it all for someone he's known less than 9 months. The pain is so great. Wintergal</strong><hr></blockquote><p>WG; I am truly sorry to hear this, and I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with your story, but I will say this:<p>What we are all trying to do here is among the most difficult things we will do in our lives; and the ups and downs, and unpredictability, and all the while we're trying to learn what it is we're doing, or supposed to be doing, or not doing...a tremendous challenge.<p>But, through all this, there is one thing that keeps us going; our desire to recover and rebuild our marriages and our spouses, and what we learn here helps, and it works for many of us; I have seen it all too clearly today, and sincerely hope that you, too, will soon see the same in your M.<p>My very best wishes, Wintergal!
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ashirley: <strong>...the 5 phases of an addictive episode,(taken from the book, Many Roads, One Journey: Moving beyond the 12 steps", by Charlotte Davis Kasl.)...AS</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This is excellent, AS. I will pass it on when the time is right. I'm sure others will benefit from it as well. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith1: <strong>Great News Spacey!!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Where's the cart-wheel smilies when you need them????<p>Deep breathhhhh.... PLEASE watch for actions now to back up the words... DON'T get your hopes up TOO high... take it easy, and KEEP doing what your doing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Yay!!!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks Faith, it's so good to have you around...this is the best day I've had in a very, very long time... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by still seeking: <strong>WOW seems to be an understatement, even with all the exclamation points after it<p>I have tears, and I'm an old, mean guy. <p>SS</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks SS...weird, isn't it? Crying...at our age!!! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
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Holy Mothballs Batman!<p>Damn!<p>This is good!<p>Very good!<p>Whoopie!!!!!!! I feel like havin' a party! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
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Gol Durn! <p>Gee, I go away for a few days, and all "heaven" breaks loose!!!<p>Good news, SC. Like you've heard, though, be vigilant, and keep open for other signs of fog-lifting. It'd be great, wouldn't it, if she were to offer to write a NC letter with you?... But that's where further patience is called for.<p>I had a long talk with JL on Monday night while we were both in DC. He calmed me down about my own sitch more than I felt at the time. It's not as serious now as I think it is. At the same time, I still think my W is fogged, and our M is just "doing better" because we're interacting without talking about sensitive things. Like OM. We're off to her property out of state on Monday for a week. We'll be alone for a couple days, then some coworkers of hers are joining us and we're going to a workshop together toward the end of the week. I'm hoping to talk about R issues Monday and Tuesday, but I'll try not to push if she doesn't want to.<p>Again, good to hear your news!
regards,
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pepperband: <strong> Holy Mothballs Batman!<p>Damn!<p>This is good!<p>Very good!<p>Whoopie!!!!!!! I feel like havin' a party! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p> Thanks SOOOOOOO much, Pepper....tears just keep rolling down...<p>I looked in her eyes today, and for the first time in a very long time, I really felt that maybe, just maybe, this is going to work out...what a wonderful feeling...thanks for being around...really! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by 2long: <strong>Gol Durn! <p>Gee, I go away for a few days, and all "heaven" breaks loose!!!<p>Good news, SC. Like you've heard, though, be vigilant, and keep open for other signs of fog-lifting. It'd be great, wouldn't it, if she were to offer to write a NC letter with you?... But that's where further patience is called for.<p>Again, good to hear your news! regards,</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks 2L! You hang in there, my friend! Miracles DO happen...as you can see...patience, patience, and Plan A, baby! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
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SC:<p>I'm hangin! I'm hangin!<p>...
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SpaceCase,<p>I "REJOICE WITH YOU"!!!!!!!! I am so very, very happy for you and your wife. Hang in there!<p>I just wish my WH would get to this point. It has been a long, hard, tiring and lonely road. I've had a taste of how we could be for the last 2 years until April 13, 2002, when the walls came crashing down again. I was notifed by trusted sources OW has been in the picture all along when WH led me to believe she was gone. <p>I confronted WH on 4/14/02 and WH lost his job 4/22/02 When I asked him by phone what he was going to do, he replied angrily: "Look, just let me work this out alright!" Don't know if that was job wise or in general. I even brought up divorce if he didn't end things with her (I haven't done that before). Three years this has been going on???????? Definitely an addiction I'd say, the worse kind (WHY ME LORD)?<p>Last contact was 4/26/02, when he informed me that he was tired of everyone having their noses stuck in his business and he refused to tell me where he was. To date, nothing, zilch from him.<p>Today, I changed the locks to our home and made arrangements for his brother to store WH'S remaining things. THIS IS HARD!!!!! But I need to set boundries and show WH that I have had enough.<p>WH still has not mentioned, responded to or acted upon my threat of divorce. I DO NOT want a divorce and I know that I LBusted screaming it and confronting him about continued affair with OW. (THIS WAS BEFORE I FOUND MB). But it's done now. I guess the last 2 years of our loving, talking, laughing meant nothing to WH???????<p>I still love WH and want us but I cannot allow myself to be in a triangle relationship. His "cake-eating" days are over. I respect myself more than that. I am a one man woman and I expect a one woman man in return. I have broke all contact with him (WHY NOT, he's cut me out and off). I have stopped e-mails, changed home phone and e-mail address. He does still have my cell number and one e-mail address he can reach me through. I just couldn't handle jumping and instantly getting sick everytime phone rang or e-mail loaded. "I did it for my own piece of mind". I am so sad to be packing the remainder of his things but it hurts more to have them in my sight all the time. Funny, for the last 2 years, it has been comforting, like he was still here somehow. <p>While I am extremely "HAPPY FOR YOU", I have to admit..........I envy you too (BUT NOT IN A BAD WAY, OK)!!!!!!<p>((((HUGS)))))
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BA;<p>Thank you for your "rejoicing"! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Tell me about you, though; how long ago did you find MB? Have you attended counseling? It seems like an awful long time to be "on the fence"....
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SpaceCase,<p>I found MB through interent search about a month ago. No on the counseling. I want to sssssoooooo bad but i simply cannot afford it.....honestly! I have absolutely no where to cut anything to afford it. I have bought the books and read them. Had to go without groceries to do that but it's ok. Let me see if I can find some of my old post and cut and paste my situation for you. I worn you, they were posted right after all this blew up again. I'm at a better place 1 month later, just still hurting.......
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SpaceCase,<p>One HUGE reason I cannot afford counseling right now is my central air just died. I am sitting right now with "NO AIR" and it's 94 degree's in house right now. I am diabetic, so for health reasons "I HAVE GOT TO GET SOME KIND OF AIR CONDITIONING". <p> MK business is really sssssssllllllllloooooowww right now so I'm having to make everything come out of one check. Searching because I know I have other posts that give more detail yet about this nightmare.
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BA;
I'll read your thread and post there. G2G now, though...
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