WS has been complaining about being stifled. Today she wanted to go to happy hour to say good bye to a CO-worker that was just laid off. D-day was 3-23-02. I asked her to leave for one week to straighten her head out. Ws came home one day early and stated she wanted to work her but off to make M work. Since then she has showed no or little remorse. She has been spending most of her time trying to get away from me. She has been constantly complaining that she feels stifled. So today when she asked to go to happy hour I said OK... What time will you be home? WS stated 7 or 8 o’clock. It is now 10:30 and she is still not home. This is the last straw. WS has done nothing but disrespect me and let me down since she has been home. I must put an end to this now... If not she will drag this on and take me for a roller coaster ride that I am mentally prepared to take. The way I see it I have no other choice but divorce. IM just looking for support ... Is this the right decision?

One hour no support. I guess my problems are not entertaining enough.

oh, cmon buddy. sorrrryyyyyyy<p>it's slow here on weekends. You'll see there's not a lot of posting going on. I saw your post and I've been thinking what to say. I have my own dilemma too, been tryin to come up with my question.<p>{{{{{{funkedup}}}}} platonic huggggssss<p>hang in there buddy... be right back [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] k?

Well, I'm not sure how much "support" I can offer you, but how about some blunt truth as I see it? Number one...buddy, it takes 2 to play the game of marriage and so far all I see is you complaining about what she isn't doing for you. Yea, you've laid out some very valid points as to the fact that she's proven she isn't yet ready to commit to you...but given the way you've come across on this board I think i have a pretty good idea why. Every time you post it's She did this and She didn't do this, should I quit now..is now the right time? Hey...why not, now is as good as any time if you're wanting an excuse to give up. Have you even taken the time to READ and DIGEST plan A and the other excellent information here on this board? Or aren't they expediant enough for you? You HAVE to quit demanding, and you NEED to quit expecting and you NEED to quit trying to control and you've GOT to quit QUITTING every time things don't go your way. YOU are trying to WIN and YOU WILL LOSE. Granted...atleast giving up now you've got her to blame...but I promise you that one day you'll come to realize that you could have played your cards differently as well. I understand you are hurt and in pain because of her current choices...so make some healthy ones for yourself. Getting pissed off because members of a public message board have a life outside of here probably isn't what I'd call productive. Read a book. Take a walk. Heck, don't be there when she gets back if you want to play that game. But don't expect much if you continue to DEMAND respect just like you DEMAND attention here. Good luck.

Funked:<p>It's true. Things are slower here on the weekends. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but your story reminds me of how things are going over here. WW doesn't seem to be "working" on our M to my "satisfaction." I'm actually quite depressed right now, even though she's upstairs asleep, and apologized for falling asleep when she did, because we were snuggling and watching stupid TV shows and it was nice. <p>That's the trouble. Being the BS, I think about her and our M all the damned time, since D-day. It seems she doesn't think about us much at all. But I think that's a perspective thing. <p>Your D-day was awful recent! Having your W spend a week away to sort herself out was probably not a good idea, in my opinion. While the cat's away... or some $hit like that. No, you need to have as much time with her, being as positive as you can about your R (Plan A) as possible in hopes that she'll decide on you and your M, in place of the despicable OM (I'm pulling no punches tonight, sorry!). You can't plant Love Units in her piggy bank if you're not communicating. <p>It is hard, very hard, when someone you love and trust does something like this to you. But remember WAT's Quick Start Guide for betrayed spouses (It's in the archives, somewhere!). You are a fresh "just found out"'er, and frankly there's a lot you can/need to do before you should be ready/willing to call it quits.<p>1) Do you love your W? If you do, you won't want to toss her without a fight.
2) Is she thinking/behaving rationally? No possible way, right now. You may need to do that for her for a while.
3) Does she love you? Even if she doesn't say this, the fact that she's still with you and hasn't "runoft" says more than words right now.<p>Read this website. Particularly the parts about Plan A and Plan B. You shouldn't be so willing to consider divorce unless you can accept the full impact of what that means. Wayward Spouses (WSs) disrespect their BSs all the time - it's part of the "job." That doesn't mean that your situation is hopeless - far from it. Since WSs have pretty scrambled brains while their in their fog, you have to do all the rational thinking and planning for them.<p>It will be hard. It's beating the $hit out of me!, but if you love your W and value your M, you'll put a lot more work into it than you have. You can do this!<p>hang in there, and try to have a good weekend!

wow! well, hope4future gave you some truth, for sure. Now I will offer another hug, and a "I KNOW how you feel, brother!"<p>I remember several nites when my H came home "to work things out" when he was out til ALL hours of the nite - no phone call - nothing. All I got was lies.<p>now, we ended up divorced, but there's lots of stories around this board of people going through what you're going through, and have made it to recovery!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] that should give you hope - if you want it.<p>And you know what my new dilemma is??? My XH called me tonite in tears - needing someone to talk to. I'm clueless. Just cuz they THINK they KNOW what they want - they are JUST out having fun, being selfish, and MOST LIKELY will wake up at some point. DON'T give up before that happens.<p>Let me post this, and I'll be back. K?? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hang in there.

Sorry everyone, I was freaking out and looking for someone to help me think rationally. Once again MB has helped to give me patience. WS returned home @ 11:30PM with no apologies. Yes I do still love her and I would like M to work. I am tired of being disrespected all the time. It has only been 2 weeks since WS has been home. All the information I have read from books and the MB site the withdraw period for WS is generally 3 weeks but can vary. Ws has only known OM for one month so I don’t think the withdraw period should be a long one. I realize I have been very impatient. I just want my life to go back to normal. I asked if Ws has contacted OM in anyway and she says no. I am afraid her actions tell me otherwise. I guess I will just have to take her word for it.

What makes you think anything will be normal again. Obviously you need to start eeting her needs and she yours. That takes learning and great effort from both partners.

Hey<p>How did you react to wife when she did get home?<p>Did you say, Hi, did you have a nice time OR He Honey, I hope you had a nice time. I'm glad your home. Both being said with a smile on your face of course.<p>Instead of asking wife, what time she would be home, maybe, you could have said, okay, have a good time. I'll see you when you get home?<p>Just some suggestions.

dear funked up- sorry for your pain, but everyone is right. you need to take a step back and breathe. it is gonna be a very long time before normal returns. plus, what the heck is so great about normal? my perspective of our normal is- we aren't talking, but will. things will get better soon. he will be different when all the stuff at work calms down. his perspective- when can i get away again to go fu** my mistress?<p>who the hell wants that back????????

Hey guy - sorry I wasn't around last night when you needed someone. Believe me and the others when we say we understand your pain. We really do.<p>Hopefully inafunk (is that her MB name?) will read this thread and perhaps see a little. Perhaps not. I am disappointed that she disrespected you last night - that she continues to disrespect you after the hurt she caused.<p>The thought foremost in my mind as I read your posts above was, "How can I get this guy to slow down?" I well remember my own state of mind when I was in your timeframe. I just wanted to hit the fast forward button of life and get this over with - or hit the rewind botton to try to prevent it. It can really seem excruciatingly slow at times when you want something so bad. The timeline of infidelity can be especially cruel. Somethings happen so fast - the bad stuff - leaving you feeling like the rest of the world is passing you by and other things - the road to recovery and recovery itself - can go at a glacial pace.<p>This is the essence of what the others said above, I think:<p>Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Take the time now to look inwardly. You had a share, big or small, in this mess. Find it and fix it and demonstrate it.<p>Give her space and DO NOT try to control her.<p>S L O W D O W N<p>Patience, time, consistency. PTC, PTC, PTC.<p>Bottom line: Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be married? She is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!! You are RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT!!!<p>Calmly state your feelings. Express your desire to be respected. But don't beat down the door. Sometimes a drop of oil on the hinges works far better.<p>[ April 13, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

Good job funk. I'm not sure that whether or not she's known him a month, a week or a year, if the withdrawl is much less than the 3 weeks. It's got less to do with the other person, and more to do with sorting it all out in your head...letting go of the fog. If she does keep seeing him it will take more than that 3 weeks...lets hope she's smarter than that. The first time my H and I tried to work things out we were pretty much right where you're at now. He would pressure and push and pout...he'd talk about how I needed to earn his trust back etc etc etc...and I would treat him just as disrespectfully as she is treating you now. See, I was still very very angry. The affair didn't happen because I was in wedded bliss...I was miserable and angry and worn out. I blamed him for all of that...so in my mind HE was the one who needed to earn MY trust back. Probably "fog" thinking, but since mine was an emotional affair at that point I didn't think anything I'd done wrong was all that bad. Honestly, if you take some time to work on yourself and she sees that change...and focus on being PRODUCTIVE and not REACTIVE...you'll make much more progress. Good luck!

Wow, what a mess. Being in this situation sucks. I don't know how much I can help, but I do know that I am just wondering if you asked her if you could join her for HH. There are a lot of people that crave being around the HH atmosphere. Do you ever go together? The reason I ask these questions is it sounds like to me that you are both running from each other. Maybe it is time that you suggest to her that you go to HH together maybe 1 day a week or every other week. Start slow at trying to re-build something that will create a sense of security in the M. What we hate most is the unknown. Was this an employee only get together? My H used to attend these without me, and it caused conflict, now unless I am welcome, he does not attend. I don't know if you will ever get to a point where you don't wonder. But, you will get normalcy back into your life. It moves so slow sometimes that you couldn't possibly believe that it can happen, but I assure you, it will. I think you both need to work on gaining the trust back. It can't be one sided, even though I know you feel as if you are not the one that did anything. You have to be able to trust her again and she needs to be able to trust that you will not throw this up to her or suspect something everytime she walks out the door or is late coming home. I think we are all guilty of losing track of time upon occassion. So, give her a break on this one, but also let her know that in the future you would appreciate a follow up phone call if she is going to be later than she had said. God Bless You! Try to look at this as a positive to go forward to strenghten the relationhip. JanJan

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> She has been spending most of her time trying to get away from me. <hr></blockquote><p>Ask yourself why this might be true .... then inform her (in a calm, non-blaming way) that you recognize she doesn't feel safe with you ... and that when SHE is ready to tell you "why" ... you are ready to really listen to what she has to say. Then drop the subject until SHE brings it to you.<p>My humble opinion Funky.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]