I have not posted for a while, been plugging along on plan A. I am in the 4th month of plan A, hoping I wont be pushed to plan B. Those plans took a little hit today and I am not sure how to handle it. I found some cards that OM has been sending to my WS, in the same folder was a printout of divorce lawyers in our area. Each card professed his love and asked her to marry him. I am not sure how I can give you a psychological profile of her but she does tell me that she never felt any passion in our marriage, and that she just does not love me anymore. We have been married for 10yrs and have 3 kids, the youngest is one. This affair has the recipe for disaster all over it. He is in his second marriage and obviously wants number 3. He already has 2 kids from his first, and 3 from his second. Now this guy wants to be the father of mine!We have been very cordial, she is still in the home and she is at her counselors right now. My gut feel is that she really loves this guy and she wants to marry him but cant seem to justify leaving me especially since plan A. She wants the counselor to help her do that. "you cant deny me my feelings, and I just want to do something that makes me happy for a change!" I am sick of hearing that. There are so many indications both ways, we continue to go to church together. We are both wrapped up in our kids right now. She sees him at work but her times after work have been closely scrutinized by me and that is not happening. We are in this state of limbo and now I am getting signs that the situation is tilting toward her leaving. What do I do now? Do I confront her on this new information I have. It will be a major LB but it will get it out in the open. What about plan B, my plan was to get to June but I am not so sure now. What so you guys think?

Hopeto, if she hasn't left yet why not continue to let her sort things out? My OM wanted to marry me and raise my son as well...but as much as it fed into the "fantasy" it also felt like pressure. I definatly wasnt' ready to leave one marriage for another. All the things you've written that she said about her needs and not loving you and not feeling passion....so typical. Thing is, when you've never felt that passion in your marriage, it's pretty typical to think that the new feelings have to do with the other person. They don't. My H and I didn't experience passion before because we weren't emotionally ready to...now we have a chance. If she's seeing an individual counselor they won't encourage her to run off and marry another man...especially one with his background. She might be encouraged to spend some time alone, but that might actually do her some good.

As a pragmatic suggestion ....<p>Start "dating" your wife! YOU take the initiative to hire a sitter ... arrange something really special for you to do together. A dinner and dancing? A concert? A romantic picnic? A horseback ride? A walk in the mountains? A walk on the beach? An evening at a jazz club? A trip to the museum? Lunch in a dark restaurant with martinis?<p>Wooooooo her!!!!!!!!! <p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for the quick responses, you know I thought I would be more hurt by this but I almost have a sense of relief because I have a feel of what is actually happening on the other side. Woo her, can you woo her when she is in love with someone else? I guess I could try, but my attempts have not been successful and I have pretty much been working on those other needs she has. I will take it all in. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate the time you take to respond.

Well, the wooing thing is tricky. You can do it, but absolutely DO NOT EXPECT great results. What you're looking for are END results...and your efforts will be noted in that aspect. Also, when she does react badly...your reaction to THAT is crucial.

Hopeto-<p>Thought I would chime in here since OM also promised to marry my (almost X)WS as well. He promised her the moon, said he was leaving his W soon and was really looking forward to spending the rest of his life with her. But, as time went on, he didn't follow through with his promises and every time WS would ask him why, he would have a handy excuse ready. As it turns out, he never had any intentions of leaving his W, he just wanted to have someone on the side, basically he was cake-eater extraordinaire. <p>You should go with your gut feeling, that she cant justify leaving you (yet) which means you need to stay in Plan A mode and maybe crank it up a notch or to. Do the dating thing, treat her like she deserves to be treated, show her how much she means to you, and make sure you focus on yourself and make the changes you need to make. <p>Since she doesn't know what you know about the proposal, keep that to yourself for now, that could be a huge LB if she finds out. But, if the opportunity arises for you and WS to talk about OM, maybe you could ask her if she isn't a little bit concerned about his M track record. Maybe ask her if she knows the reason why he was D the first time and why he is considering it again. I'm sure that WS is a little leary of making this leap right now and that is a huge advantage on your part. Even my WS told me that the reason she is ending it is that she didn't believe he could give her a lifetime commitment like she expects and deserves. The kind of commitment WE are willing to give!<p>Don't let this recent revelation worry you too much. But, do pay close attention to what happens from here on out. I get the feeling that as time goes on, she will see his proposal for what it really is. Since she is still spending time with you as a husband and wife, she isn't taking this proposal too seriously right now.<p>Since you are in month 4 of Plan A, I assume that DDay was 4 months ago as well. A lot opf people here, and from what I have read, told me to give it 6 months and then see because most A's don't last much more than 6 mos after DDay. I my case, we are at the 6 mos mark and the A is definitely in the final dying stages. So, if you can, try and hold out just a little longer.

I found some cards that OM has been sending to my WS, in the same folder was a printout of divorce lawyers in our area. Each card professed his love and asked her to marry him.<p>Well, she has not told him yes. She obviously has some hesitation and things to consider.<p>I am not sure how I can give you a psychological profile of her but she does tell me that she never felt any passion in our marriage, and that she just does not love me anymore.<p>VERY typical WS fog talk. My wife said much the same thing. Such responses are almost clinical at this point. They tell themselves and you such to ease the guilt of what they are doing (to convince themselves that what they are doing is right) and to help you move on. They want it easy for everyone so they can have their fantasy. They are willing to lie to themselves to achieve such.<p>He is in his second marriage and obviously wants number 3. He already has 2 kids from his first, and 3 from his second.<p>This has plan A written all over it. Can you see how much better you are than the OM? Show her how you have more to offer than a man that will be divorced twice and has 5 kids already. Does his wife know? If not, I would make sure that she does. If your plan A does not work (and honestly, most don't without a plan b), then I see much opportunity for a successful plan b. Just think how much of a blow to reality it would be for her to have to live with him or to be on her own, while taking care of your kids and his five. I don't think it would be long before she would come running back in that situation.<p>"you cant deny me my feelings, and I just want to do something that makes me happy for a change!" <p>Such talk is nonsense. She won't be happy, you know that. She probably knows that or she would have already been gone by now. She is acting selfishly and will eventually come out of that dream world.<p>We are in this state of limbo and now I am getting signs that the situation is tilting toward her leaving. What do I do now? <p>Let her leave. Read Love Must be Tough. I think you may be in a great situation where Tough Love would be successful. You have done a plan a long enough to lay the ground work for a successful plan b/tough love scenario. Note: Only you can decide when you are ready to change your strategy.<p>Do I confront her on this new information I have. It will be a major LB but it will get it out in the open.<p>Nope. No need to confront her. The ONLY thing you know of sure is that he asked. You have no specific knowledge as to her intent so let her decide what she will do. You can't force her to make such a decision.

I would also recommend the book Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. He gives excellent insight into how the mind of the WS is working in their fog. Just think if your W did marry him she would have 8 kids to take care if OM has joint custody! Since I am a mom of 3 myself I cant even IMAGINE being responsible for THAT many kids!!!! Talk about reality shattering the fantasy bubble! My H also planned to divorce me and marry OW despite my best Plan A- I had to go to plan B sooner than I would have liked and it was 5 wks into Plan B that he changed his mind about divorcing me. It was grueling waiting thru that but he did come around eventually. Take care- lifeismessy