ANYONE HERE HAVE DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS?????????<p>I picked up this book inthe sale section of B&N & has turned out to be excellent! I'm only on the 2nd chapter but can see how this fits in so well with the MB principles & the issues we all face. <p>It starts out saying that every difficult convesation really has 3 parts:<p>1. The what happened? conversation<p>This is about moving away from the truth assumption that frees us up to shift our purpose from proving we are right to understanding the perceptions, interpretations, and values of both sides. It allows us to move away from delivering messages and towards asking questions, exploring how each pereson is making sense of the world. And to offer our views as perceptions, interpretaions and values - not as "the truth"<p>It also explains how what we think the others intentions are will affect how I think about you.We assume we know the intentions of others when we don't. When we are unsure, we tend to think they are bad.<p>It's easy to get caught up in blame, which distracts us from trying to figure out why things went wrong and how we might correct them going forward.
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For me,for wxample, I believe that I am right and my WH is wrong. If he loved me, how could he do this to me? <p>I also related to the assumption of his intentions as bad. I assume that he dossn't care and that he is trying to hurt me by what he is doing or not doing.<p>If I am blaming him, you did this to me, he is sure to be defensive. But, if I come from the approach that I contributed to the problems in the M (not the A)lets look at our M & see what I did to make you feel that A's where the answer. <p>*************************************************<p>I'll post the other two conversations that we really have shortly<p>
Anyone else relate? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I found a great book about difficult conversatioins was Harriet Lerner's "Dance of Connection".<p>Subtitled " How to talk to Someone when you're mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate".<p>To me, a great book.<p>Dan<p>BTW, if I "get" your summary, I agree.
Blaming doesn't work, and proving *I* am right is a classic, classic way to break a connection.<p>[ April 14, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

Heres' the rest of the story as they say...
the 3 parts of a conversation are:<p>1. The what happened? conversation (posted above)<p>2. The feeling conversation -<p>Difficult conversations are not just about what happened, they also involve emotions. The question is not just whether stron feeling will arise but how to handle them if they do.. difficult conversations are are at their core, about feelings<p>3. The identity crisis -<p>Looks inward, about who we are & how we see ourselves. How does what happened affect my self esteem, my self image, my sense of who I am in the world? How will it impact my future?<p>
Moving towards a learning conversation -<p>Instead of wanting to persuade and get your way, you may want to understand what has happened from the other point of view, explain your point of view, share and understand feelings, and work together to figure out a way to manage the problem going forward. In doing so, it is much more likely that the other person will open up.

Family Man,<p>Thanks for the information on the book. It seems I am collecting quite a library!

Thanks for the recommendations; both books look like they could help all of us here.
I wanted to add that since we all buy a lot of books to help us through this, half.com is a good place to find most books for a lot less than they cost new.

Thanks for reminding me... that blaming does not work... my H goes overboard,... on blaming me... and in defense I blame him... terrible dance... so I am through with this... thanks... putting him on defense... only makes things worse... m,aybe one day he will see this too. thanks, H [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Honey for your response. The whole MB principles are not about blame, but in looking what went wrong and figuring out what we can do from there. <p>I just read another part that hit home today, that when we cry or get angry it's not that we are expressing our feeings, it is that we have them bottled up inside! That we must express our feelings so that they don't overflow into anger & tears! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]