nikko... I have been enjoying you and conqueror's elephant stories...<p>I used to straight out tell my H that I hated our elephant... he'd get so mad!<p>you have come so far and I have few doubts that you two can make it... as someone else posted it's rollup the sleeves time.<p>remember to give yourself a break and at times give yourselves a break from the WHOLE thing...<p>I just spent three or four days away from MB and for the first time, didn't miss it... (not that I didn't miss you guys... I just didn't miss hashing and rehashing everything.)<p>take care and I'll be awaiting updates...
Cali

dear kam, shattered and cli- thank you all for your responses and encouragement.<p>cali- so good to hear from you-also thanks for the bump for nick. i think he needs stabilizing help. thanks. i understand its work time, i am not afraid. i also dont plan on overwhelming him. we went to a party yesterday and just enjoyed. i also gave him some alone time last night. we both enjoy a little alone time. we have a lot to deal with, but i think we will make it also. he understands my boundries and under no uncertain terms will be out if broken. he is on strike two allready. i love him but its time for him to step up and show me.<p>anyway-its a great feeling.

Good for you Nikko!
I know I need to "shoot the elephant" too, but W is not ready for that yet...working on it though.
Happy for you!!!

my husband wasnt ready for it either. not totally. he probably never would be if i gave him all the time in the world. i just found some courage and went for it. i also knew what the other consequences could have been, and was prepared for that also. it is a hard decision. i did learn so much though. now we have to see what comes of it.???

well its tues. morning. waited up for husband last night with dinner, 10 pm. so far nothing has changed. no calls or e-mails yesterday. nothing different when he got home either.<p>today is my long day at work-so he should have plenty of time to figure out how to get started meeting my needs. we'll see.

oh well, came home early- still nothing. i guess expecting him to start doing something was too much to expect. i guess im not to upset because i kinda new this would be the outcome. i had hoped though. i guess im gonna have to go on healing myself. waiting for him is too painful.<p>then again if i changed one of my emotional needs to have something to do with the yankees- i would be in great shape.

Nikko,
So glad to hear of the elephants death.<p>Dont expect change overnight. It takes them longer for stuff to sink in. I am so happy he opened up to you, what a big step that he will hold your hand when you pass the dumpy hotel now.
Look back and see your progress when you feel you are not getting anywhere.<p>You will see that your plan for recovery may not be his plan for recovery, but as long as you are both moving forward that is what counts.<p>Please tell him exactly what to say and do to make you feel better. Just like you told him to hold your hand - perfect. I told my H to brush back my hair and say "it will all be ok, better than before I promise" at first it was scripted but it wasnt long before we both believed it.<p> I am so happy for you.
Lisa

dear princess- thanks for the reply. i guess i will just have to tell him step by step. i just cant believe after all we have been through the job still comes first. i always knew it was his first mistress. i just dont know how to fight that one.<p>i know im gonna hear about-he works so you can have nice life, house etc. i could care less about the size of house, tv or anything else the JONSES HAVE. I HAVE NEVER BEEN A MATERIAL PERSON. JUST THE BASICS IS FINE WITH ME. but this is his driving energy. his job.<p>anyway i was gonna set up a secret meeting at a hotel tonight with him and have fun, i dont think im up to it though. had oldest son in emergency room last nite, 20 plus stitches right on the front of his shin. bike accident. sat at the hosp. for 5 hours by myself. wish i didnt have to be this strong- wish someone would notice i would like some help carrying my load also.<p>anyway im rambling- its early and havent had a full cup of coffe yet.

little update here-this morning husband was looking at me funny, i kept trying to figure out what was going on-well i think i just did. he called and asked me for a date tonight. so much for me surprising him. he surprised me. feels good.

Very cool, nikko.<p>Have fun!

well we went on our date-it was fun. didnt get to see the movie we wanted too, husband was late at work again. we got stuck seeing Scorpion King. the movie was ok, lots of action, some good comedy, LOTS of barely dressed people. women and men. no infidelity going on-huge plus!<p>we had to get home right after movie cause he was late and sitter has soccer game today-didnt want her to be tired. so no conversation, just a movie and bedtime.<p>we are going shopping this morning-husbands idea also. have to find stuff for his bathroom-he is redecorating it. all his choices. this ought to be interesting. gonna have fun!

Waaaay cool Nikko!<p>Praise the socks off your dearest whenever he does something even the teeniest bit sweet for you .... I started doing this .... (this was a big DEAL for me because I always had too many expectations ... and Mr. Pepper never felt acknowledged for his efforts) .... so anyways, like I was saying, I started dumping praise and appreciation on Mr. P for every effort he made, no matter how small ... and a freakin avalanche of wonderful events began to occur. I learned to go behind him and lick his ear and whisper my thanks wetly .... and then MORE great effort on his part would follow. ...... there's more I started doin' ... but, it's fairly X-rated ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Time to bury the elephant?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

dear pepper- im not burying that sucker, im cremating it. then hopefully it will never come back!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>i will praise him, i know i have to work on that. i like your ideas, written and suggested!<p>thanks for the encouragement.

Nikko<p>It amazes me how clueless they can be. Last night (sun) I got on the computer after we put the kids to bed. TV turn-off week starts today, so I said well, go ahead and watch Sopranos if you want. He didn't turn tv on. I knew he wanted sex, and I was just not interested. I stayed on the computer, but did keep asking him what he wanted to do. He didn't have an answer (I thi=nk that he knew I wasn't into sex last night & was embarrassed to suggest it).About 9:30 got off computer, and laid down & watched tv w/him for 1/2 hour. then we went upstairs & I went to bed...<p>This morning at 5:30, he had the nerve to wake me up - guess what for! So later, after he slept & I couldn't, I told him - OK tomorrow morning, I'm gonna wake you at 5:30 so you can fulfill my EN's! Prompted a conversation, of course. I get so aggrivated that I feel like I am trying SO hard to meet his EN and he's the one who screwed up. He tries, but he almost always does things for me in his EN. He gets mad because I view them as self-serving, but this morning I told him - now that he knows they are HIS EN & not MINE, well, it IS selfserving! I'm very frustrated and I just don't feel like I'mgetting what I need. He's great when I get him to sit down & talk to me, but I'm starting to feel like I have to be having a constant fit for him to pay any attention to me. I wish I knew what to do. We did the counceling thing before but he doesn't seem to be interested this time and I don't know when we would fit it in. I'm starting to worry that we are both too selfish to be in a relationship together.

you guys have to get past the selfish stuff-even though i wanted my needs met too-i still bent over backwards to meet his. and yes it was frustrating as HE**!! you have to start small, have a ton of patience and get together on a plan. maybe he can meet one need a week. you could give him a game plan. we are working on something like this.