Ok, here is the update some of you may be waiting for. <p>Friday night I went home, got the dogs out, etc. so that when my husand got there we could go out to dinner as a family. It was a pretty good night. My son was a bit difficult, but no big deal.<p>Saturday went really well. My husband was drilling me all day about what my plans were for the evening. When we got to the restaurant he was very pleased. There was a Jazz band playing and it was really nice. We had some really good conversations about different things, and about us. After dinner we went for a little walk. We stopped home before heading out, and then we went to the bar. He was very uneasy. We were the first ones there. He asked if his friend was coming and I fibbed and said no. I could see it in his face how uneasy he was (he had it in his head that I was setting him up this weekend), so I broke and told him that yes so-and-so is coming. He smiled, and all the uneasiness left. I told him I wanted it to be a surprise, but that I didn't want to leave him feeling that way. In any event, several friends showed and we had a great evening. We went home and he thanked me for the wonderful anniversary. He said he appreciates all I put into it. Then he said that the best part was having dinner with me. The rest of the evening was fabulous as well.<p>The nest morning we woke up in this renewed relationship. Everything perfect in both of our worlds. He told me that he thought I was going to serve him with divorce papers on Saturday. I thought we had made this major break thru. He and I were visably so in love. It felt great being a family, being married, being one and true. The day was great. We had a really nice time all weekend. We were actually talking about trying to get pregnant again. He really wanted it. It felt so good, because I want another baby and him wanting was a sign of healing.<p>Monday morning - and the rain starts falling. We wake up and I ask for a kiss. I get the side of him mouth/cheek. Ok, something is up. He takes his shower, I take mine, and we don't talk much. Finally, I ask what's wrong and he says "it's Monday". Urgh - so much for the renewed relationship. Did I expect too much? Possibly. Should I have expected this? I'm not sure, but I don't think any reasonable person would have. He is really down. Then he asks what I'm so dressed up for. (It's supposed to be 78 today and I had a dress on to stay comfortable.) I said I'd change (thinking he was uneasy with the dress) but he got upset and said "I shouldn't have said ANYTHING". {Thinking: What the f--k, did I do?!? Oh, I had an affair.} I can't follow all the ups and downs sometimes. So, I ended up in tears because this is not how I wanted my Monday to go. I called his work and left a voice mail telling him that I was sorry about this morning and that I guess I shouldn't have expected so much, and that I - oh heck, I'm not sure what I all said. When I got to work there was a message on my voice mail from him. He said he was sorry about this morning, that he didn't want it to be this way either, but he woke up and reality hit that it is Monday. Then he said that last year after we took our little anniversary trip that the first day back I was having coffee with the OM, and he had the pictures to prove it. Now, mind you, I'm skeptical about the pictures and what he really did and didn't have. His story changes, and more comes out when it's convenient, not to mention he contridicts the possiblity of some of his "evidence". In any event, that was never important, but today it hurts because he is using it to destroy our weekend. He says that he loves me more than the OM could ever - which is true and I have pointed this out a lot this past week. Then he said that he can't help but think that it's different with him than it was with the OM because with OM I was wild and had fun, but with him I'm serious and seem to look over my shoulder to wonder if I've done something wrong. Of course I do at times. Well, yesterday my being serious was fine, but today it's an issue? He left in his message to call him. Well, now I was in tears hating myself, hating my very existence. I called him and we talked a little, but when I got emotional he said "this is why I didn't want to talk about this here (at work)". Well, EXCUSE me - but he was the one who told me to call. <p>Oh what a f----d up ride this is. He says that he knows I love him, etc. etc. I just want to make him happy, safe, and comfortable. I know I can't rush things, but I am so lost right now. Pregnant?!? Why would I want to right now? I can't help but think it would be a bad idea. Hell, the stress alone would be bad - especially since my first pregnancy was high risk and stress is a definate no-no. Will it pass? When? Will our day end like our weekend was? I don't know and I can't stop the questions from circling my mind. I hurt so bad right now. I feel like I can't do anything right. Someone, please help me out of this depression I feel I'm in right now.<p>Thank you all for reading and being so patient with me. Today is going to be rough on me. I have 8 hrs. of thinking, pondering, trying to figure things out, basically driving myself crazy. I'm sorry this is so long. I just had so much there, and nowhere else to turn.

Ok tutter, let's break this up into chunks a bit.....<p>
You HAD A GOOD WEEKEND...you HAD A GOOD ANNIVERSARY!!! CONGRATS!<p>Now reality hits on Monday and that's to be expected. Remember how many women on the old board told you that every time bad feelings came it was associated with the A? Ok...so that's exactly what he did. Let him work through it...he needs to do that.<p>ARE YOU IN COUNSELING....you guys really need to do that! He may need an ear...with or without you there! He needs to work through this in a healthy way. Have you brought him to MB at all? Has he read anything or done anything? I mean, you two are working through this but there just MIGHT be an easier/healthier way? Also...I'm sure you BOTH had issues that led to the lull in the marriage...what are BOTH of you doing to grow as individuals? I think that sometimes having something healthy to focus on would help to take some of the stress off the A.<p>You'll be fine Tutter!!!

Couple of other things...<p>
It's the FACT that he's so IN LOVE with you that scares the POOP outta him....but that doesn't change how he feels...so that's a GOOD THING. Just let him adjust to being OK with that feeling.<p>Also...about babies...definatly WAIT! I have that feeling too...I think it's totally natural. The families back the way it should be and now we want BABIES!!! BUT, you know there's still work to be done. DO THAT and save the added strain the baby puts on the marriage for a little later. Since we're not able to have a baby naturally I can actually put a date to it...we're looking at starting the process over a year from now...that would mean it would be 2-3 years before we'll actually get a baby. For us and all we've been through...I think that's reasonable. You guys need that healing time without more distractions and stress!!! (and yes, I KNOW babies are a joy...but let's be realistic as well!!!)

tutter--<p>This is the WORK part of working on your relationship.<p>This is going to be (it has to be) a two steps forward, one step back deal. Put as long as it is two teps forward and one back you are making progress.<p>Allow yourself to put it all into perspective. Time and patience...that's what it will take. It sounds like the commitment is there...just keep working.<p>In the meantime, I would agree that waiting regarding getting pregnant is a real good idea right now.<p>Good luck...<p>E

tutter- nothing to add, just know i am sending you prayers and bigggggggg hugggggs!!!! hang tough

Thank you Hope for responding so quickly. I am having a really crummy Monday. My emotions are all in a tizz. I could cry for no reason.<p>Anyhow, we used to go to counseling, together. We came to a point that we felt we were doing fine and could do without. We communicate very well, and have learned alot from it and build on that. As for MB, well I know he'd read it long ago, but I haven't mentioned that I talk on the boards. He feels that it couldn't possibly help to talk to others who have had an affair, they have done the same thing I have. So, I keep this as my level head. Why is it that every time things are so damn good that they crash so hard? We have been getting along, we have been connecting, we have been talking, we've had wonderful intimacy - so why do I feel like I'm missing something?<p>Anyhow, before I go off on a "woo is me" tangent, I'm going to stop there. Thanks again Hope.

Elad & Nikko - Thank you so much for your responses. <p>Nikko - Thanks a ton for the hugs and prayers. I wish I could hold my hubby right now, but I truly appreciate the warm thoughts.<p>Elad - Thank you for the encouragement and push into reality. Sometimes I need that boost to say "you knew it would be like this", "it wasn't all lost", etc. - your whole 2 steps forward 1 back. I guess I just so hoped and thought we would wake up in that bubble of delight this morning like we did yesterday.<p>I will keep working at it, and I WILL rise above this - with my husband by my side.

Tutter,
The first year of recovery can be hard. Your H plainly had a "last year" anniversary trigger, bringing up the coffee with the OM, etc.<p>I have an idea and it stems from how I manage triggers myself. I find that as I forgive the things that trigger me, dates, anniversaries, events, patches of road [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] , that those triggers ease.<p>You may have already asked for forgiveness, your H may have already said he forgives you, but many of us find that a blanket forgiveness isn't as effective as we wish it could be, so forgiving specific things is another avenue.<p>Ask him to forgive you for last years actions that he is associating with this date. It might free you both up, he can let this specific thing go, and you can too because you have asked...you can't make him forgive.<p>And, when things are good and then crash, especially crashing through the bringing up of old crap, I see that as self-protection...fear, keeping the walls up.<p>I think if you help your H deal with specific triggers, the walls will come down and the crashes less frequent.<p>"I love you and I'm sorry I hurt you, please forgive me" go a long way in our household. We also went through a time when we very specifically spoke of starting fresh every day. Some days are just yucky, but if you know you can start fresh the next day, both still in love, still committed to the marriage, it can help with the sad/bad moments.

Oh, and the other thing is, how long is he going to hang onto this "evidence"? That actually is a symbol of his "walls". If he is committed to you, why does he need evidence of your A?<p>You don't need to ask him to destroy it, but I think you can ask the question without it being an lb--not sure where you might stand on this.<p>Actually my H got rid of his evidence (I became a WS in our 7th separation, my H & I both being BS/WS has made for some tangled issues/owies) which was mainly flirtacious emails, just last fall, almost a year and a half after our reconciliation. I didn't even realize I needed him to do that, he realized on his own it was "baggage" and threw it away in our bedroom garbage. I saw "marriagebuilders" on some of it and realized it was the whole pack from that separation.

Thanks Lor, I will use some of your ideas. I think they will help in my home as well. Thanks for reading my long winded post, and thanks all the more for offering your help.

Tutter, your post almost had me in tears and once again you're helping me to see the other side.<p>It's been two years now for us and I had the reverse problem last weekend -- the weekend was horrible and I couldn't wait for Monday! We had an out of town family wedding (first wedding since his affair) and it was a major trigger for me (the vow part of the ceremony and just the whole wedding thing). I won't take up your thread with details but the short story is I was looking to Hubby for support and understanding to get through this weekend -- instead I got an angry husband blaming me for ruining the weekend and accusing me of making everything about his affair and still not forgiving him. And I ended up accusing back that it was his issue of not being able to let go -- that I can't say anything without him feeling that it's related to his affair or that I'm trying to make him feel guilty.<p>When you said in your post something to the affect of it was your fault because you had an affair -- it rang a bell for me. It made me realize that sometimes I don't stop to think about how I make my husband feel -- that he still carries a lot of guilt around and everytime I have a trigger he feels responsible for it. But he also feels this way at other times too -- there are many times when I ask a simple question or make a statement that has nothing to do with the affair and he thinks it does. Sometimes I can't even say "what time are you going to be home tonight?" without him feeling "she still doesn't trust me and is keeping tabs on me - this is about the affair". <p>Tutter, I'm not even sure what my point is here....Our marriage is so much better now and we have come such a long way. I guess you just have to realize that this is a lot of work and the ups and downs (and triggers) will be there for a long time. But it's worth it.....I know my husband really loves me and is so sorry for what he did.
I really love him and have forgiven him -- but there's always the old "I forgive but I don't forget". We both just have to constantly put ourselves in the other person's shoes and realize sometimes it's just not about us or about forgiveness. I'm sure just as many times that I am feeling down and want my husband to simply listen to me, hug me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay and that he loves me....that I don't want to discuss the affair, start a fight, or blame him....that he feels the same way. Unforunately, we are human and it always doesn't work that way -- we say things we don't mean to say, take bad days out on each other, and misunderstand what the other is saying, etc. <p>Hang in there Tutter....you are doing great and don't give up. I constantly remind myself what I learned in therapy -- before you take things too personally think "is this my issue, his issue, or our issue?" Sorry if I babbled and didn't make much sense...<p>Hugs,
JJ

Actually Lor, he has said that he got rid of all of it. I had asked him too after things were starting to rebuild and the all in all was out. But, he still references it and says he can still see this stuff in his mind.

JJ - Blab all you want. It's helping me, and probably helping you. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share your story with me. I think my day is looking up a bit, but I still am down too. Talk to hubby and he sounded rather indifferent. Don't know what to make of it and I'm trying not to fall into the analyze, think too hard, etc. Again, thank you for your thoughts.

Tutter-<p>Your H reminds me of me sometimes, my W was frustrated once and asked, "What do you want from me." I couldn't answer because the real answer was I want for you not to have had an affair. Impossible. But I gave it some thought and after reading so many posts it is amazing to me that WS's can't figure it out more easily or just aren't up to it. But what I think you and they need to do is run a full scale rebuilding effort not just on your marriage but on your BS. I would drown the guy in positive reassurances like "just one kiss from you makes me realize what a dope I was," or "it is amazing to me how after such a tumultous affair thatI can go weeks without ever thinking of the guy." "the only reason sex with the OM was anything at all is that it was new, you are better in every single way" "I accept my resposnsibilty fully but I can't stop resenting and even hating the OM SOB for feeding me so many lies." I am on a roll now, here's my favorite, "I regret every single moment I spent with him and the lies I told to have them but most of all the lies I told myself!" Here's one my wife actaully said, "believe me the OM isn't fit to clean your diarhea out of the toilet bowl." How sweet !<p>Don't let up!<p>Jack

Tutter, I so relate to you right now it is not even funny. I go thru the very same things you are. One thing my H tells me is sometimes he looks at the pictures from his brothers wedding of he and I smiling together and he thinks "LIE". Right when we got back from that trip I saw my now exMM. For a while he didn't even want to look at pictures from their wedding, it was such a trigger for him. He found out one month after the wedding, so it was very fresh for him. Now, I am concerned about how I dress and how I act in his presence too. Sometimes I am not sure if he is mad at something else or me, and the more I try to get out of him what is going on, the worse it gets. It's almost like they want to be mad at you and not give you a "nice free ride" for a bit, then things go back to working on the relationship. My H almost always apologizes and says he feels bad for acting like that. I also told him it is not good that he brings my affair into EVERY SINGLE ARGUMENT. It is his trump card now, he was acting like things I was angry at him for paled in comparison. I told him I guess now you can do now wrong since I've committed the ultimate sin in our marriage? Then he admitted his attitude towards it was not right. <p>My H can tend to change his mind on what he wants from me, confusing me. He told a while back he was so sexually satisfied that he wouldn't pressure me for this one thing that I don't mind doing, just don't like to all that often. A week later he was pissed at me because I didn't want to do it one night. I said you came to me, and held my face in your hands and told me that you wouldn't pressure me, all lovingly, and now this? Well, I changed my mind.... (that was his response) sigh [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Hang in there tutter! A similar situation happened to me htis weekend also. My relationship with my H has been making progress since D-day #2 - Jan.30/02. We made unbelieveable progress that our MC said to start coming in once every 2-3 weeks for a visit. Last night he tells me he needs to go for a drive and think. He doesn't want to talk about it and it worried me since he was really down. When he finally gets back 1 1/2 hours later we get ready for bed. I bring up the topic of his drive and he begins to tell me how he feels. It turns out he had a trigger this afternnon that upset him. We had our first visit since first d-day (Oct.30/01) from my parents, my brother, his wife and my baby newphew. He went on to tell me it was uncomfortable for him and seeing my newphew made him wonder when and if we'll ever have a family.<p>I guess what I'm trying to say is all the set backs are to be expected. Like someone else already mentioned...2 steps forward, one step back. I think talking on this forum is really helpful for all of us. I guess we have to understand our H's moodiness.<p>Try to think positive cuz' you did have a great weekend afterall! My MC recommended this uplifting book: The Precious Present by Spencer Johnson. It's a very short book but really makes you think.<p>Good luck and feel free to e-mail me whenever you need to talk brianna_38@hotmail.com

tutter - I can't offer advice that hasn't already been given and I have no first hand experience anyway.<p>Just wanted to say I admire your efforts and wish you and H the best of recoveries.

[[[[tutter]]]]<p>This has been a hard month for me as well... I totally understand your H's rollercoaster ride w/ the triggers... every friggn' week there is an 'anniversary' for me to remember... <p>Lor really helped me a couple of months ago when she told me NOT to focus on them... that reminded me that the triggers are about ME not HIM... all I can do is change how I think or react... I can't change the fact that what happened happened... and that's what it is for me... I want him to tell me what a BIG mistake he made, etc. etc. but... again... that makes it all about ME... <p>... I guess I am just saying to be gentle w/ him... I know you want him to totally be with you and trust you... and I so much want to do that for my H... it is just going to take time and patience...<p>Hugs,
Cali

Tutter,<p>You mentioned one thing in passing, that just seemed to be a throw out comment and didn't seem to pay any attention to it.<p>You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He told me that he thought I was going to serve him with divorce papers on Saturday. <hr></blockquote><p>He was nervous with you alone and wanted to know when friends or if friends were coming and the reason seems to be the statement above.<p>I think this one statement tells you more than anything where he is in recovery. Lor and others have given you good advice and I think you should take it fully and use it. <p>However, I think you need to sit down and realize that your H still worries about getting D papers from you. That is not a good sign Tutter. It means he is going to guard himself very closely. It means that you may be triggering him every time you get upset about things (I don't mean mad, I mean emotionally upset). He probably fears you will give up and divorce him.<p>What to do? I don't know the answer, but I think acting with confidence would help him. Not act quite so unsure of yourself. If you are sure you want the marriage, then don't be so timid around him with regard to responding to him. I mean in terms of dressing, smiling, needing to do things for yourself, etc.<p>I think the idea here is that if you are CERTAIN you aren't going to serve papers on him, then you should be acting like the normal (demanding, assertive [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) W you are. <p>Seriously, I don't mean sweep everything under the rug, but if this marriage is what you want, act like you belong in it. Not mean, but confident and willing to let him know you love him. Not with your head hanging down and willing to let him know you love him.<p>Do you see the difference I am suggesting. If you are confident this marriage is going to work and are confident that you will make your best efforts to that goal, ACT LIKE IT.<p>If he asks you about how you are dressed, answer him you think it will be hot outside, and you like how you look in this dress. What does he think? Then kiss him and tell him you are there for the long haul. <p>I hope that abit of what I mean comes through. Sometimes words just don't seem to convey things the way I want. In any event, think about this.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: What I am trying to say is build up his self-esteem by having some yourself. He doesn't want you there if you just feel sorry for him and he doubts you would be there for any other reason.

Thank you all for your wonderful responses. I am overwhelmed with the support and advice I am getting. My day is looking up, but still there seems to be a cloud above.<p>As for the divorce papers thing - I understand that he is scared I'll file. He is afraid that I will get to the point that I can't deal with the way he is lately and leave. I am very positive and supportive in this fact. I reassure him that I am in it for the long haul. I told him that "when you agreed to work with me, and I said this is what I want, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I am will to walk that road with you."<p>I think we both have that fear at times. Sometimes if I cannot reach him at work (usually just before and just after lunch) I think he is at an attorney's office or something. We've talked about this too. We are pretty good at talking about our feelings, fears, etc. now.<p>I am going to use the advice given to me here and work on making the remainder of our day and week better. <p>Oh, I went to the library and ordered Torn Asunder. Also, thank you for the recommendation of The Precious Present - I'm going to order that after I read Torn Asunder. I am really into my inner peace lately, and I have noticed that it is really helping to ease his mind as well.<p>I guess this morning was just a minor setback, but "this too shall pass". Thank you all for your support. I cannot tell you how much this means and helps.