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I have a question for the men. To make a long story short, my WH had an affair (emotional and possibly physical) with a single female coworker. She was 24 years old and he was 36 when it started (I was 33). He was very flattered by the attention of a young girl and the fact that the guys at work called her his "girlfriend". He works in a factory with 150 employees only 5 of them women.<p>He claims that all of his needs were being met at hom and I really don't know if she pursued him or vice-versa. All he will say is that he loved the extra attention of another woman. I do know that she did nothing to discourage or stop this "friendship" from happening knowing very well that he was married. It wasn't until I threatened to divorce him that he told her no more contact. They still work together, but I think she is respecting his request. Who knows. <p>Anyway, here's my question:<p>If a physically appealing young girl/woman offers herself to you free of charge with no strings attached and little chance of the wife finding out, will most men jump at the chance?<p>My husband claims he did not, but this is the guy who is constantly looking for anything that's free and trying to beat the system in everything he does. Would he really pass-up a chance to have his cake and eat it too?<p>I know this may be a strange question, but I am just curious. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and respond.
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ReneeStephanie: <strong>If a physically appealing young girl/woman offers herself to you free of charge with no strings attached and little chance of the wife finding out, will most men jump at the chance? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, I wouldn't and didn't.<p>But some men may who weren't having their needs met at home. And a few scum bags may who WERE having their needs met at home. And, of course, there are the men who have "problem" needs who can't be satisfied.<p>Oh yea, all this goes for women, as well.<p>Just MHO.
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A lot of guys will fall in that situation. But a REAL man, one who loves and protects his family and actually believes his wedding vows mean something, will ignore it. A real man doesn't say or do anything in the presence of another woman that he wouldn't do or say with his wife standing right next to him.
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HI RS, My H also claims it was hard to turn down the naked offering female... etc... and that she was pursuing him...he is attractive and charming... but , she is who++ and more... but anyway... she did not know his downside...a t the time... he had great paying job... he got axed and she dropped him like a hot potato... anyway... I am so sick of the crap... and this is just another excuse of your H's.... my H too likes to do things under tht table and get something for nothing.. ethical issue, I say. I am sick of poor ethics H and sick of being blamed for his failure... hugs to you and good luck... she did not make your h do this...he chose it... remember that... make him earn your trust back. H
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Thank you all for you input. It helps me feel more grounded to hear that others echo the thoughts that I am having too. Sometimes, I just wish my husband would come clean and admit everything. All I've heard is that he loves me and never wanted to lose me. I believe this. I just think he wanted to have it all. He just won't admit to anything. I just want to know that truth of his relationship with this girl. I guess I just want to know if he was weak and took what was being offered. He says he didn't, but I find it hard to believe. I can't explain why I don't believe him. I want to, I just don't. Maybe I'm the idiot for not trusting what he tells me. Something inside just won't let me.
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You said that something inside won't let you trust him. I heard that same "voice" and ignored it because I was too trusting, my wife would never cheat on me, etc. As I continued to ignore some things that bothered me a bit, my wife had a lengthy affair with a friend and co-worker at church. I told myself it could never happen, yet her I am - another BS with another sad story.<p>Listen to your instincts, always be on guard if you suspect something. You know your husband, and it sounds like he might be vulnerable in this type of situation. Rather than accuse him or berate him without some solid evidence, try to open up a dialogue with him that leads to more open and honest conversation. If he sees you being more honest with him, perhaps he will feel like it's OK to be more honest with you.<p>Prayers to you and your husband as you work through this.
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Shattered - Thanks. You are right. This happened about a year ago and I am always on guard. I hate it, but it's the only way to protect my heart. I have never found "evidence" that my husband has done anything since I found out about the little tart. But, I never let my guard down. He is beginning to understand this and he knows he must earn my trust back. Recently, things have been better. We are communicating without shouting. It's my hope that he will someday feel safe and comfortable enough to really tell me everything. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
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Not a REAL man! I real man stands by his word! and stands for the commitment he made to his wife and God. REAL men don't cheat...!
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Real men are only human...doesnt make it right, but not one of us is above falling from grace.
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If a physically appealing young girl/woman offers herself to you free of charge with no strings attached and little chance of the wife finding out, will most men jump at the chance?<p>Will most men enjoy the attention and opportunity? Likely. Will most men jump at the chance (take action)? I certainly hope not but who knows. Statistics are all across the board. As "little" as 20% of all married men or as much as 60% of all married men have had an affair, regardless of the circumstances. So, while it may be "common" for such to occur, that does not excuse it or make it OK. Can we understand how it could happen and why it does? Absolutely but it is never OK.<p>My husband claims he did not, but this is the guy who is constantly looking for anything that's free and trying to beat the system in everything he does. Would he really pass-up a chance to have his cake and eat it too?<p>No idea and I don't think I would offer an opinion either way on this. Innocent until proven guilty. He may fear what will happen if he tells you the truth (that is if he did have sex with her). Have you decided in your heart that you will forgive him and rebuild the marriage if it did become physical? If so, then tell him that; perhaps in counseling. He may lack the emotional and spiritual maturity to tell you the truth.<p>Many men do experience a mid-life crisis. It occurs at different times for different men. Perhaps your H has been struggling with such lately. During such, it is common for men to de-evolve - to regress to a less mature frame of mind. Our confidence decreases, our self-worth, our self-esteem, our self-image is all brought into doubt. If a wife is clued into this (please note that you are not to blame for the behavior of your H), she can take steps to help him through it in a manner that builds him back up while at the same time, protecting him and the marriage from other women that would fill that role. I would guess that most men do not realize when they are in such a crisis.
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True, but do we have a responsibility to own up to falling from grace?
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Mr Bunky - thanks! IMHO, your advice is always on target!
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Responsibility, yes. Can you force or demand that someone take responsibility, no.<p>Renee - I would get yourself and your H into to counseling. You two should have talked about this a long time ago. The longer you wait, the longer you postpone your recovery. My guess is that your H does not know much of how you feel and will be shocked to learn of it. To him, it honestly may not be that big of a deal. His behavior during recovery should be based on the reality of the situation and not on any assumption he may have that is based on him not knowing what you feel.
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ReneeStephanie: <strong>Mr Bunky - thanks! IMHO, your advice is always on target!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I am very glad I can be of help. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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Assuming that you are correct in your assessment of meeting most EN at home, then I believe it is another character flaw that would lead your H to "have his cake and eat it". From my perspective, (Being a recently betrayed spouse) and finding out through the process that many of my EN were not being met either, and having had the opportunity to stray since I traveled Mon-Fri with many younger ladies for over 2 years, not any man would fall for that. I never did. Temptation, yes. Desire, sometimes. But I never did.
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The answer for me is...<p>no.<p>Dan
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You should check out www.dearpeggy.com. It has alot of insight on infidelity. I also purchased her book the monogamy myth and it goes into detail how EVERYONE can be tempted. Some basics: we are taught as children to keep sex secret i.e. when we start having sex we do not discuss it with our parents. Also sex sells, from magazines to cars etc. Movies glorify affairs, soap operas glorify affairs and so on. Society has made a world for infidelity even though most people shun it. Anyway the books explains it better than me. BUT she does make the fact that these things are not excuses to have affairs and that it is the responsibility of the individual. But it was good to know alot more factors go into a spouse having an affair than just plan lust. <p>My H said any man giving the circumstances would have done it as well. My H had the perfect opportunity, he worked 2nd shift and the OW would return to work on his lunch break and they would have sex in her car. This meant no time to account for and if not for an email I would never have found out. <p>Best of luck. sty
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<<Anyway, here's my question: If a physically appealing young girl/woman offers herself to you free of charge with no strings attached and little chance of the wife finding out, will most men jump at the chance?>><p>IMHO, most men would. Speaking for myself, back before I was married, and before I had a child, I probobly would have.<p>Once you marry, and bring a child into the world, for me, its out of the question.
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