Help! I need some advice on how to mend relationships w/my H's family.<p>Quick background...I had an A w/co-worker that lasted about 7 months...husband found out in early March and moved out immediately. Over the last few weeks we have done a lot of talking and we both think it can be repaired although we will remain separated for now...but will spend time together. <p>Problem is that my H aired all the dirty laundry for his family and they are all really angry at me for hurting him so much. H has identified reconciliation w/ his family as one of the obstacles to overcome in our recovery. It's still early in the healing process for everyone, but I thought I'd try to get advice from some of you wise people. The biggest obstacle will be his 21 y.o. daughter who as best I can tell in the 5 years I have known her is tremendously unforgiving. Once on the S@#$ list always on it.<p>Thanks for helping!<p>A

Your husband's attitude can make or break this. I told my family that I was grateful for their support. I wanted my marriage and I was forgiving my H and if they cared about me, they would accept that I felt this was best for me.<p>My family treats my H much like they always did, and he acts with them, friendly, joking as he always has (except for the 2+ years when we were separated off & on & he avoided them).<p>You and you H dealing with his family in a united manner is a good way to approach if.<p>If he isn't willing to do this, it will be much more difficult for you if his family remains angry with you. My H (WS) also called my mother & father, while we were still separated and apologized to her for the hurt he had dealt me and that he was going to do his best not to hurt me again. You could do that on your own.

My H (WS) called my parents himself (I did not ask him to do this). He apologized to them for hurting me with his A. He stated his intention to work on the marriage and to "do whatever it takes" to help all recover. He kept his word about that, and he enjoys a good relationship with my parents to this day.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Dealing with the consequences in the aftermath of an affair is never easy, but it's just something you have to do. Too bad those consequences aren't thought about earlier - a lot of affairs might be avoided altogether!<p>Since reconciliation with his family is vital to him, you have to do everything in your power to make things right. You may have to eat crow, humble youreself in front of his family more than you might want to, but you really don't have much chioce if you truly want to salvage your marriage.<p>His family's response (especially his daughter's) to your efforts to reconcile are really out of your hands. As long as your husband can see that you are trying and are sincere, that should go a long way toward fixing things. If they don't respond well to your efforts, your husband will need to set them straight.<p>Prayers to your family as you work toward restoration.

If your H is serious about re-building, then IMHO he must communicate to his family that this is what he's doing and why it's important.
The same way he told them about the A, I believe he now has the responsibility of telling them about the reconciliation, and how much you both need their support to accomplish it.<p>If we're serious about mending our marriages, we must put aside all blame/revenge and be as undestanding and as supportive as we can.
When my teenagers found out about my W's A, their initial reaction was "how could mom do this?", etc. I have spent and enormous amount of time explaining to them that it is not entirely mom's fault, that I am also to blame, and that we need their support if we're going to make it together again. She has enough trouble getting over her A (it hasn't ended yet) for me to add fuel to the fire by allowing the kids to take sides without intervening.
My 2c....

Problem is that my H aired all the dirty laundry for his family and they are all really angry at me for hurting him so much. H has identified reconciliation w/ his family as one of the obstacles to overcome in our recovery. It's still early in the healing process for everyone, but I thought I'd try to get advice from some of you wise people. The biggest obstacle will be his 21 y.o. daughter who as best I can tell in the 5 years I have known her is tremendously unforgiving. Once on the S@#$ list always on it.<p>The best advice I can give you on this is to own up to the beahvior. Give them the same consideration you gave your H. Apologize, shoe remorse, ask for forgiveness. Ask them to pray for you. Your job is not to get them to forgive you or to like you again. You have no control over that. It is your job to make every reasonable effort to repair the damage you did to your relationship with them. Your H telling them the truth did not cause the damage. Your actions did.<p>Talk to them, be willing to answer any question, then perhaps leave it up to them on how they would like to progress. I am going through a similiar situation with the friend of my wife, he enabled the A by giving them a place to be physical. He betrayed me and our marriage and now he must show he is worthy of my trust and respect if he is ever willing to be a part of our lives again. If he made no effort, the answer would be obvious. So far, he has sent me one email. He has opened the door. He has much more work to do but he has started the process. I recommend you do so as soon as possible as well.

I know it's hard, but it is understandable that they hate to see their son hurt. I know if it were me, I'd be sad for my child too. My situation is just the opposite, my H had the affair and his family basically abandoned me and supported him. Even now, years later, I have a hard time being with them.<p>It can be worked out. Details fade from peoples minds over time. It seems traumatic now but eventually they will forget much of it. Especially if they see you trying to be the best wife you can be. I wish you luck and peace

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and advice. What you have said is similar to the actions I had thought might be helpful. It will be difficult, but I am owning up to my responsibility and mistakes. For anyone who is still entangled in a mess like this...think thru all the consequences and consider all the people whose lives will be changed by what you are doing. There are no winners in an affair.<p>A