Hi,<p>I'm trying to meet H's EN's. I'm trying to be patient and not expect too much, but I think I've just about had it. Here's a letter I wrote. I haven't given it to H, but I really want to. Help!<p>"This is how I’m feeling about our conversation tonight..<p>First, because I didn’t know how ****ed up we were after I caught you the first time, and because I didn’t do then what I’m doing now, our marriage wasn’t going to make it. Forget about the things I was doing. It wasn’t enough. Should I be saying sorry?<p>Now that I know how ****ed up we are, after catching you the second time, and because I’m doing something to fix it, our marriage might have a chance. Might mind you, it depends on how much I do and how I do it. I have to be very careful about how I fix it. I don’t want to get you mad. That’s LBing and that’s not good. (But you get mad, that’s okay. I’ll take it because I’m the one that has to fix this and if that means accepting your anger, then so be it.)<p>Do you see a common thread here? It’s me and my actions that are going to determine how things will end up. Together or apart?<p>How is this fair? I’m not the one who had the Affair. I’m not the one who should be working so hard at fixing this.<p>I feel like I’m under a microscope. Too many mistakes and then that’ll be it. I ****ed up and it’s not going to work.<p>I do not feel there’s remorse on your part. I do not feel that you’re willing to do what you have to do, take what you have to take, to get through this. You are still very defensive and angry. I sense a righteousness in you. Like you knew all along it was hopeless. (Otherwise why would you have an affair?) Now you’re just waiting for it to materialize.<p>I feel as if you are still holding on to her, just in case, once again, it doesn’t work out. And once again, in big part because of that, it’s not going to work out. But that’s not your fault, it’s mine.<p>This is how I’m feeling. I also feel that unless I’m going to say what you want to hear, then you don’t want to hear it.<p>Well, maybe I should just throw in the towel."<p>H&S

OK Kid! You been around here too long for this! Give up? It's not in you! Hard? Yeah God know's it's hard. And I do too! It's always darkest before the dawn.<p> I had the same thing with my W. 2 A's. Yeah I did my part to cause them. But I've loved her back into this M. Because I love her. God help me I love her. You can love your H into your marriage if you want him bad enough. I know this is tough love. But you can do it.

Hurt & Sad,<p>I understand how you feel, but I wouldn't send the letter. This is the place to vent and write letters like this. Get it all out here. This rollercoaster does begin to level out, no matter what WS does, if you focus on you. Right now just concentrate on CALM. <p>
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't think there is a BS out there that has not felt what you are feeling more than once during their journey to recovery, whether it be marital or personal recovery. <p>With that said, do not give the letter. These feelings will come and go. You will know it is time to move on when the feelings no longer come and go, but stay there and fester. I have a rule for myself that if I get up for seven days straight and can not say that I still love my WH and want to save the marriage that I will call the lawyer. I have been in Plan B for almost four weeks now and I can honestly say the longest one of these giving up feelings has lasted is a day or two at a time. So.... I am still here in Plan B and ready to wait this out until I feel that I have done everything I can. <p>Hang in there and see where your feelings take you over the next few days. This is not called a roller coaster for nothing. <p>Hugs and Prayers
Sinking

Thanks for the replies and the support. <p>I hear you loud and clear. I have calmed down (will try hard to stay calm) and I won't send that letter. I'm glad what I'm feeling is normal. I was worried I've made no progress at all.<p>I'm working on a more productive letter right now and I have a couple questions. <p>Should I mention.. <p>1) what I need and/or want from him?<p>2) what he should be doing and/or is doing wrong?<p>3) how his previous actions affected me?<p>4) that I still doubt him and don't believe him?<p>
Or should I just talk about me and my actions, feelings etc?<p>Any help would be appreciated.<p>Thanks.<p>H&S

Probably safer (from the LBing standpoint) to tell him how you feel, and ask him if he thinks he can help you both find a solution to the issues. Otherwise, it comes across as demanding and disrespectful.

H&C:<p>Yeah, what he said... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Letters in Plan A should generally be avoided, unless you do most of your normal communication through them.

Hey Hurt & Sad,<p>I am the "Queen" of letter writing on MB. Write 'em, but don't give 'em. That's my humble opinion.<p>It is very cathartic for you, but then you have to examine your motives.<p>You want your H to feel your pain. You want him to know how important your marriage is to you. You want him to know how much you love him and how you would do just about anything to 'fix' it.<p>You can't. He won't.<p>What you can do is write the letters and flush them or burn them or tear them up into little pieces and throw them to the wind...<p>Then... look at you. You can only 'fix' or work on your half of the relationship and then, it must be done in the context of improving you for you and not because what you do will win him back. It can't be about winning.<p>It is about growing as a person and in turn, growing in a marriage. It has been the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done... but it is also turning out to be the most rewarding. I have never felt so strong or self-determined.<p>Good luck,
Cali

I am with Cali. You can write all you want, but please do not let him see the letters. I remember the feelings of needing to fix things. It was overwhelming at times and I felt like I could tell him exactly how to fix the marriage. Well I soon figured out that he was not interested in that then and I could say anything I wanted and it was only pushing him further away. <p>Until he is ready to work on things he will not listen to anything you have to say, so don't say it. Work on you. Do not try to teach him or tell him anything.<p>I know that sometimes it feels like if you could just explain to him what you have figured out that it would be OK, but until he is ready to work, you are on your own. Use this time to improve you. Read here; post here; read books; find someone you can talk to that understands what you are doing. But do not put any pressure on him.<p>It does not seem fair, but if you want to save your marriage, the best thing to do right now is work on you.<p>I really hope this helps. Hang in there.