planning on going bck in to plan b shorty, H won't give up OW. Treats me very poorly and then when asked about his affair says "i'm not having an A", yet sneaks calls to her etc. every chance he gets.<p>Im sick of the lies. When does the fog lift? will he ever realize what he had and lost? will he ever experience this pain?

can anyone answer this?

i wish i had an answer for you - In fact I would love an answer myself, somedays the fog seems to be a little lighter (just enough to give me hope) and others I just wonder what happen to the Man I've been with for the past 12 years.<p>As for the Pain - I have to believe that they are experiencing a pain we just dont understand, there has to be guilt and shame for causeing us to feel this way (even if they wont admit it)- the people they promise to love and honor for the rest of there lives. <p>i hope you get the answers your looking for - I will keep checking back because I would love to have an answer also.

I'm sorry I don't know your story better, but I certainly empathize with you...<p>As for "fog" and what I know of it, from my BS perspective...<p>It truly is a state of mind, and based on observation of my situation and many others here, it appears that fog has a mind of its own! I.e. it can clear and thicken, sometimes within minutes. But to completely blow it away, it appears that some ingredients are needed: time, clarity and crisis. Different people appear to need different combinations of these items.<p>Time: should be self-explanitory, but don't underestimate it... it can take a long time to clear, and is often related to how the A dies, the individual's character, etc.<p>Clarity: kind of obvious - need clarity to think clearly, but what I refer to is the ability to have one's thinking override their feelings. And often that takes the individual being alone for a while - all alone. Not sure why - combination of being FORCED to think, not having anyone else to influence their thinking, etc.<p>Crisis: can be any number of things, but if you look at "Love Must Be Tough" for example, Dobson makes a case that without some level of crisis, the infidel has no reason to change the course of their river. We've seen examples here of impending divorce, going to Plan B, etc. as the "crisis catalyst".<p>Just my observations...

H&S<p>I will just add my $0.02 here.<p>I think JR has pretty much nailed it...<p>Time---which means patience on your part.<p>Clarity---yeah, they often do need to be alone--all alone--and if there is contact with the OP--well, that ain't alone and the fog doesn't clear.<p>Crisis---unfortunately they may welcome the "crisis" as a way to get out from under all of this without them making a choice. That is, the BS decides to file, adopt plan B or whatever... <p>The biggest key to this is patience and I don't know how long things have been going on for you.<p>I have been trying to be patient for more than a year now. <p>I can tell you it ain't easy and there is no guarantee that the fog will ever lift, or that it will lift while the BS is still around wanting to save the marriage...<p>It is very sad in many ways...<p>Sorry, but there is no magic answer to your question.<p>Hang in there...<p>E

Hey Hopeful,<p>There's no time limit as to when the fog lifts, but in my experience, and a few other posts I've read, it seems like around 3-4 months after the A totally ends. That gives time for withdrawal and getting over the guilt(IMHO). <p>And withdrawal is a B*tch. False recoveries are very painful/frustrating. <p>But, the A has to be over in order for rebuilding to take place. You'll need to be patient while it's still going on(no LBing) and very understanding when it ends to deal with the withdrawal.<p>Looking back at what I went through, the best advice I can possbily give is this... work on yourself, find new hobbies, make yourself as attractive in as many ways as possible. Show him what he's loosing, and if he never comes around, you should still feel better about yourself because you've made yourself better, you've grown.<p>Oh, well, just my 2 cents.<p>Good luck! - JB<p>[ April 16, 2002: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</p>