I have been reading all at MB for 2 months now. Yesterday joined and posted. <p>My withdrawel is still very strong, and H is great. Has never got angry, gives me much space. Has tried so very hard to do many things. He keeps telling me that he doesn't want to push me. He has said that he feels the A is his fault. <p>What is so hard is... H is a great guy that was never the problem. Our marraige has many, many, many ups and downs and we just seemed to go along. <p>Haven't really had contact with OM, he lives in another country, but know his entire family and his sister is my best friend.<p>He left me a message last week telling me that he and his wife will be divorced --- AND there is a women now -- a friend and they do many things together now -- .. H and I are trying, but this hurt sooooooooooooooo bad. <p>I posted yesterday, the depression just doesn't go away. The guilt, the anger at myself for believing it could have been real.<p>I look at my home, my children, my husband... what was I thinking, yet it is so hard to forget, and I know I must.<p>It just helps even now to write this all down and any WW that can give me advise to let go of the fantasy PLEASE HELP!<p>Denise

Hi Denise: Hang in there, it does get easier. It's a matter of will, desire, and dedication. You summed it all up at the end of your post - FANTASY. That's just it, it was/is a fantasy. It was all new, different, fresh, and not real. Why not real? I mean, after all the feelings felt real. Right? However, the relationship was built not only on lies, but borrowed time away from reality. Sit back and look at life, family, and then pull the OM (and all his little quirks, habits, etc. - 'cause well all have them) into this image of reality. Does he really fit? Do you really know all of him, or close enough (the way you have grown to know your husband) to see forever with him in it? Reality isn't the fun little get aways, or the relaxing randevous at the bar, etc. Reality is your husband, children, family, home, etc. Your feelings are normal, but if your really think about it ALL I think deep down you will see the truth that lies beneath. You married your husband for a reason - explore and embrace that reason, and together I'm certain you will learn new ways to continue to keep that alive. Communication is a key. It doesn't have to dwindle, as long as you apply yourselves. I wish you my best. I really have to cut this short, but remind you to keep your chin up. It will take time, but it is doable, and definatley worth it.<p>Best to you.

Thanks Tutter,<p>It was hard to post and as it is with me, watching all the post get a reply and nothing on mine.... well,<p>I start getting the I deserve it feeling I appreciate your time and advise. <p>Denise

Hi Denise,<p>Listen to Tutter she is so right! Infast she has helped me feel better during my weak moments of withdrawal. Here is my story incase you're interested: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016454<p>I understand how you feel. My H is great also, never reallyn had major problems or arguments but obviously something was missing for me to stray. Taht's what we're working on fixing now. I just found out a few days ago that OM went back to India for 3 weeks and brought back his wife who supposedly wanted nothing do with him once she found out about A. Even though I should be happy that things are slowly getting better for me it still hurt when I found this out and I to know that that part of my life was a fantasy. I've read a couple of books that really helped me understand my feelings and reasure me that it is normal to feel withdrawal. I've listed them:<p>Surviving An Affair - Dr. Harley
Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs - Dave Carder<p>This site has been extremely helpful to me especially on my weak days.<p>Feel free to e-mail me whenever you need to talk @: brianna_38@hotmail.com<p>Good luck and stay strong!<p>Brianna

Not a problem Denise. I enjoy being able to help others find a path to success. I received a lot of help from people like the ones here, as well as from this board. Unfortunately it is the unthinkable that has brought us all together, but it truly is possible to rise above it. It takes time, and a lot of dedication and patience, but it truly is well worth it. My best to you.<p>Brianna: Thanks for the vote of confidence. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Anytime Tutter, we're all here so support each other!<p>Brianna

Kirpy;
Your heart is in the right place. Give yourself a break, understand that your situation is very difficult, and recovery is slow and painful. Focus on the end goal, work with your H on your M, and the pain will start to pass.
You will find a lot of support here, even from folks like me, who are on the receiving end of a WW.

kirpy,<p>I haven't seen your other post yet. Was out yesterday. I have one piece of advice for you. Don't try to forget the OM and the affair. I believe that is a mistake. What you need to start doing is remembering your H. Why you are married to him, his good points, and the fact that he still wants to try to save this marriage.<p>IF you could magically forget this whole thing, the a truely terrible thing would have happened, all of this pain and nothing learned. You don't realize it now, but this affair can be turned into something very good. It may make your marriage better than it ever was. The cost for doing this is high. You and your H are already paying part of it. The rest will be paid as you and he work through the issues that led to this affair. But if you do the work you may find that you will be much the better person and have much the better marriage.<p>I know this sounds loopy to you. But, many here report that is exactly what happened to their marriage. Now don't equate better with no pain, or regrets. What can happen is that you and your H can become closer than ever.<p>So don't focus so much on forgetting the OM, focus on remembering your H, your children, and why they are there. With time you will be rewarded.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: What will fade is not the memories but the feelings.<p>PPS: Kirpy, I think you might find it interesting to read SKM's chronicles of her recovery. She is posting here right now as SKM2 and she is finally expecting. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] So click on the colored bookmark and read her chronicles. I think it might give you a better idea of what will happen and show you that patience with yourself is required. SKM's Chronicles <p>[ April 16, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

<<<<<<Kirpy>>>>>>>:<p>Take it from a gal who beat herself up emotionally for months. You will get past this as hard as that is to believe at this moment. <p>JL (my hero! he has been an amazing source of strength and wisdom to me along with my faith in God and my wonderful H) is right. You and I are of all women most blessed...we got a chance to make it right.<p>You still have your children. You still have your home. You have a chance to build a much stronger M than you ever have before. And, sweetie, although the journey is painful, you will learn so much about yourself...yeah, lots of garbage but you get to throw it away and remake yourself with the help of the awesome friends here and good C.<p>I totally understand that it is NOT easy to forgive oneself. I struggled a bit b/c H forbade me to write OM No Contact letter--he said "no contact was the best revenge" (my jury is still out on that one) but putting him in the past where he belongs is the only way to move into your new forgiven future.<p>You have a very painful decision to make about your best friend. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I don't envy you that but right now concentrate on the blessing of a restored family and finding a way to forgive yourself.<p>It feels impossible but if I could do it, so can you.<p>We are all here for you. <<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>>

Freshstart<p>Best friend knew about A the entire time. She always would tell me that it wouldn't have happened if everything was good in both our marraiges.<p>Now she is very angry with her brother for keeping it going and making so many promises to me. He had told her that he was going to leave his wife before he had met me.<p>You must understand, we only saw each three times in 2-1/2 years all else was by phone, email and voice messages. He lives in another country. It is all so crazy and complicated.<p>I know how lucky I am to have a man like my H. I never stopped caring, even now I care very deeply and we get along very well. We are friends always have been. My story of my married life is long and hard we have been seperated before many years ago. We got married because I was pregnant and well it was the right thing to do. <p>I am not giving up no, won't do that! I just do not like feeling the way I do and I am tired of crying every day, tired of putting on a smile for everyone....<p>Thank you everyone, it does make a difference to me to hear your input...VERY MUCH!!

Kirpy, just took a closer look at your signature. We have a lot in common! I am 39 and have 2 D nearly same ages as your kids.<p>Are you separated now?<p>If you would like to write away from here (sometimes I pop in but not every day--I have had the flu so have had a bit more time on my hands this week), you can reach me at buildnewlife@yahoo.ca<p>It really does feel like the world might just eat you up but keep your chin up--honestly, one day at a time, one step a day and somehow one day you wake up and realize you made some progress. On the days you just can't step forward, we are here to hold you up.<p>OM lived in same city as me but a lot of time was spent online, on the phone and places that make me seem like a dreadful person if I choose to revisit those memories..which I do.<p>JL is right about getting things in perspective. Just try to be patient with yourself. There are no easy answers. Wish there were. I just went through a rough time the other week again...but thankfully you will experience more good days than bad. <p>(Not to hijack the thread but JL, what delightful news about SKM! Yay!)

Whoa! I should learn to read much more carefully the first time..our d-days are exactly 1 year 1 day apart!!<p>Also, I understand about still caring for your H during the A. It makes BS VERY upset when WS talk about that and I can't entirely understand it myself except that in hindsight I realized I NEVER loved OM...only tricked myself into thinking it to "justify" the rendezvous/friendship. <p>You probably don't feel much like laughing but when you feel better, think about this little quote my Mom sent me: "When you can't see the bright side, shine up the dull one." A better day is on its way, guaranteed. Hugs.