My d-day was 12/12/01. I have been working the plan A as hard as I can using the direction that I have gotten here. I counseled once with Jennifer H. and have been seeing a MC by myself. We spend the time mostly motivating myself to stay the course. My WS has told me that she is seeing a lawyer and that she plans to separate. Details to be forthcoming on who moves out etc. She has responded in kind because of my attitude towards her. I have not love busted and have been trying to show the utmost patience. We talked sensibly about seperation as I understand it is usually a necessary step toward reconciliation.<p>I also know she is still deep into her A. OM is also married and they even talk of using the MB principles for when they get married to avoid the same mistakes. I was very close to initiating plan B when she approached me about our need to separate. Instead I agreed that it would be better to wait until our daughter finishes her school year, which is in two months. <p>I need help with a basic plan of action for the next two months. I have done a decent job so far and don't want to take a step backward. I have been primarily working on myself and picking it up in the areas that I can. Affection and conversation is not something she is interested in from me. I am not sure I tried hard enough in this regard, I just need her to know that I am capable whether she appreciates it or not. Any suggestions how to do this? It is my intention to write down exactly what it is I am going to do over the next two months, because some of the feelings I have toward her and what I want to show her are contradictory. <p>I have always gotten great responses so I will thank you all up front

Hi. I don't have much in suggestion for you. I simply wanted to write and let you know that I feel your pain. As I mentioned to someone else here, as a WW I have come a long way and it pains me to see others going through what I put my husband through. I see your dedication and your heart wide open sharing with your W you love. I hope that others will respond soon, as I'm sure they will have plenty of ideas for you. In the meantime, keep your chin up. Take care, and know my heart goes out to you.

Thanks Tutter, you know that all of it helps. You just took a couple minutes to share with someone you dont even know. That means a lot.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ineedabreak:
<strong> OM is also married and they even talk of using the MB principles for when they get married to avoid the same mistakes. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This one needs to be enshrined in the Most Ridiculous WS Statements Ever Made Hall of Fame! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ineedabreak,<p>As usual, the answer to your query is simple, but the implementation is very difficult, especially with the mindset your W is demonstrating.<p>Is the writing out a plan of action for yourself? I would not recommend telegraphing anything to her--it would be meaningless. It is only what she sees you doing that may have any influence on her. You always set yourself up for failure if you announce: I'm going to this, and this, and this. Better to just do it without any fanfare and let your actions make their own introduction.<p>Plan A:<p>

• No LBs. Eliminate the Big 3 (Angry outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, Selfish Demands) and any others she has made you aware of.
• Do your best to determine her ENs and meet them as much as she will allow. If Affection and Conversation are at the top of her list, but she doesn't want them from you, start very slow and small finding her boundaries and every once in awhile nudging the boundary to see if it's still there or has moved some, allowing you in a little farther. When you have a good idea of her top 5 ENs, put forth maximum effort to her boundary line in those areas.
• No initiating talks about the M, the A, "us", the OM. Reconnect as much as possible with those parts of you she fell in love with. Be that man. No asking what her plans are, what the future holds, how she feels about you, etc. Just be enjoyable to be around as you were when you were courting her. No pressure. Let your attitude convey that you are going to have a wonderful life and would love for her to join you in it. If SHE initiates talk about her relationship with you and the future of it, verbalize that attitude, but keep it short and sweet.
• Look for the bright spots in your life. If you have children, focus on them and enjoy their company. Be the best you can be for them. Do things that help you to feel happy and "up". If you think antidepressant medication will help you, be sure to talk to your doctor about it. Keep moving, and stay busy. Interact with safe supportive people--church, family, friends. Be a great friend to yourself. FORGIVE yourself.
• Be formulating your vision of the relationship you want to have, so you will be ready if and when she does become interested in recovery. Make sure you have your boundaries delineated, e.g. no contact with OM for life. Be ready for the negotiating table. It will do no good for her to walk back in your direction if you allow her to walk all over you or give her the impression you want her back at any price.

<p>Easier said than done, I know, but I think once you have a plan or course of action in mind, it is easier to just do it, even if you sometimes feel you're just going through the motions and it is doing no good. In the end, you will feel like you accomplished something, if even just setting a course and goals for yourself and following through. You will have proved to yourself that you can do what you set your mind to do, and that it is a big deal.<p>Just keep in mind that self-confrontation and self-improvement are the goals so that you can hold up your end on creating an affair-proof marital environment. Secondary to that is any influence you may or may not have on your spouse. When you start looking at yourself to measure your progress, you will know you are going in the right direction.