its been almost 2 years since I was on this forum, short synopsis: April, 1999 I found out my H was seeing someone else he worked with, he's a cop. He would never talk about it. and the first year he moved in and out of the house 7 times. Then we seem to settle and we got back some of our life. We would still have arguments but worked our way through them and they were less and less frequent. Things really started to actually be happy, we had future goals and we were achieving them. In September the arguments started to change, they got more aggressive, he is a cop and he started telling me how violent I am. (I would pound on things, not people, go for walks, drives anything to cool off, I grew up in a violent home, I took anger management and went for help years ago, so my kids would not see this). In October, he took out his gun, unloaded it, placed 1 bullet in the cylinder and spun it, I thought he was going to use it on himself. Then he locked them all up. Then in November he started talking about two cops who had the right idea, when I asked what was the right idea, they had committed suicide. I told him I would call 911 if he kept talking like that, he started chanting call 911, call 911, I did. Because of his job, I didn't tell them of the suicide talk or the gun but I asked them to have him talk to someone. It was put off as a verbal argument. Things improved and then in March he was getting ready to go to a refresher school, the same one he was at when I found out about the OW. I was quiet and he wanted to know what was wrong, told him I was just a little nervous about the trip but I would be fine. He started telling me that everything would be great, that he broke it off in a local Coffee Shop with her. (he would never talk about it, but I had always been told that they broke it off when he was away at school, so I questioned the part about the local coffee shop. He realized his mistake and said that I had initiated their meeting because I had wanted to meet her and had called her. I remembered that phone call it was a year after I had been told that it was over. We went through a year of hell with him moving in and out and it was all blamed on me and my distrust and suspicions and allegations. I was angry, he shuts down and his anger just grows, that has been the hardest, he stays angry for days. The next morning we were arguing, I have been begging for him to just tell me the whole story and get it out and stop this slow torture of little pieces of it that have come jumping out at me over the last 3 years, it seems everytime I recover from one another comes up. He chased me into the bedroom and I tried to lock the door but he pushed passed me, I told him to get out, and he told me to get out and shoved me, I fell, I hit the doorframe and fell on a tile floor. It knocked two ribs almost off their joints, I hurt so bad that I couldn't get up, and then he stood there telling me I was faking it, he said it 3 times. The rage I have always controlled and never let get to that point set in, and I not only got up but I started hitting and kicking him. Then I heard him say "See what Mommy is doing", dear God my 15 yr old daughter was in the room. She called 911. The adreniline was running and no one realized how hurt I was, he refused to press charges and so did I but there was no witness to his shoving me and our daughter saw me hit him and he used her as his witness. He wrote out a statement which he knew the state would take over from there. <p>After I went to the Dr and they found out about my ribs, questions were raised, he was put under investigation but they have dropped that. His job as a cop is so precious to him, I let him have it, my last gift, I covered said I lost my balance. he would not even stay with the kids, he let me come back to them. My friend here even seem doubtful, he has used all of them to get information, even our daughters. <p>I am seeing a psychologist, getting help for me, trying to be a good example to our kids. We have not spoken or seen each other in a month, court order. but I have to listen to him call the kids.<p>After seeing the psychologist and talking, i realize that he has spent the past 7 months cutting off all the things that I did to relax, calm, tell me that i am violent until I did, tell me that I am an unfit mother, a bad influence. I think he has spent the last 3 years trying to make me look bad, he wants his perfect image back. He lied to the cops, he told them that he never touched me, he has given up all of his integrity to keep a job that requires integrity.<p>I keep praying just for peace right now. The charge is not being filed against me, too many questions I guess, he even tried to convince my friends of how much he was doing for me, and how concerned. But now even they are starting to wonder, he does not talk to them now at all. I am afraid he is going to burst and then I don't want to even care about it.<p>Any advice?
