im kinda in a quandry here. im not sure how to teach him to meet this need for me. i feel as if i keep telling him what i need it will be like nagging and LB.
so how do you go about teching someone how to be affectionate. he does the hand holding and kissing, but i want more. i want cards, flowers and little special things like when we first met. yes he did it then, so i know he knows how. how do i bring it out in him again? and yes i am meeting his needs and then some.

Nikko, I miss the flowers and cards too. Now I recieve them only if it's a special occasion or he did something wrong. What I suggest is to tell him how great it makes you feel if he does do anything remotely romantic. Positive reinforcement. I'm working on that too.

ive always done that. he does know. my problem is he puts his job ahead of us and everything. i told him in no uncertain terms that right now i need to be #1 and so does our marriage. there was no misunderstanding on this. this was said last sat. night. so far he has done nothing extra to reassure me. he knows how i feel but does nothing extra.<p>im just wondering if forcing someone to meet needs is worth it. i do feel as if i am forcing him.

I don't think affection is getting flowers and cards...I would much rather have a hubby who makes sure my glasses are with my purse in the morning (because I'm so careless with them), buys me cd's to burn when I run out, takes my kid to the doctor/school, etc...works to support us...is kind to me and holds my hand.<p>Now I admit, yes, I do like to get flowers, cards, etc but to me buying my favorite hard-to-find candy bar is just as good. Sometimes I think we ask/expect too much.

Give him this:<p>How to Meet the Need for Affection<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html

dear franklymydears- i listed those things because they came to mind. i would love the surprise of a candy bar also, a note in my underwear drawer- anything!!!!<p>mr. bunky thanks for the thread- i allready have it. i practically staplegunned it to his forehead the other day. i figured that was a clue! what actually happened was he was leaving for work and not taking papers i gave him so i lovingly handed them to him and said goodbye. his reply-this is a at home thing.(refering to papers about needs.)my reply-no dear, this is a 24hr-7day a week thing!<p>i think that was clear enough.

nikko, <p>Be patient, he has gone a long time without showing affection and has to relearn how, this you knew. Men can sometimes be really strange in that they are thinking about one thing while doing a different activity. Like thinking about work, or worrying about house fixing up etc, and don't really notice whats right in front of them in the here and now.<p>Old habits have to be replaced wtih new habits. the new effort has to be repeated over and over till the action becomes a habit and not just a concious beheavior. For men the new habit is stopping to smell the roses, to see whats really important to them, and DOING something.<p>You related to the forum you told him you would help him to know what to do, he would then do it.
Does he remember WHAT a little special thing is for YOU? you may have to show him, more than once. <p>I keep thinking how would I want my W to show me. The next time you meet one on his needs, try to say or show you felt more like doing it because of the little special thing he did (I know it seems kinda like a reward, but it is really a feedback to him on how his actions were accepted, that way he will WANT to do it again.) I think special here means out of the usual, like beyond holding hands.<p>Special also means more than a usual Thank you.<p>You'd be suprised to know how much a wink of acknowledgement and approval will do, or a smile of approval/thank you (followed later verbally) will encourage him to do that special thing again.<p>Some short thoughts, be patient, we men are sometimes infected with the "It'll do" problem. For me at least, I make a sandwich, balonga and bread it'll do. She, balonga, bread, lettuce, tomatoes, mayonaise, chips and a coke. No wonder she always want to make the lunch!<p>Another thought, what ever he does be positive. I know you know this also. But if he does something that could have been done better, and no one's perfect, in the initial respone be positive ONLY. He is looking for approval, ANYTHING making the approval seem less than 100% will make it seem like 0% approval and he won't want to do it again. No, don't be dishonest to yourself or to him, later you can say, "that really meant a lot to me, and (don't use the word but) it can mean more if....<p>thanks for sharing your experiences about shooting the elephant, it helped my thinking about getting my WS to open up, and also showed me how I might articulate to her the importance of my knowing more than she has told me....<p>Take care DRS

dear drs- thank you so much for the insightfull reply. i am doing all you suggest. i get the reward thing. made me smile. will make him smile too.<p>i guess i wondered if it was ok to be the teacher or will this just be an annoyance to him? i guess he will have to be the one to tell me that, huh?<p>maybe ill just ask him tonight. i will not let the jungle back in!<p>i think that is gonna be my new mantra-<p>I WILL NO LET THE JUNGLE BACK IN...
I WILL NOT LET THE JUNGLE BACK IN...
REPEAT 3 MORE TIMES!

You're lucky he'll hold your hand! My H is NOT affectionate, and made the mistake of telling me that the only person he ever wanted to be that way with was the OW. <p>This came up in counseling, it is my #1 emotional need. The counselor tried to explain that it's important to me. He said that it's not natural, is forced and fakey so he doesn't want to do it. So I piped in with "Well, I have sex lots of times when I don't want to...to make you happy."<p>The counselor is a christian and asked him to pray about it. She told him that if he tries to do this lovingly for me, God will help him. I sure hope so! We've been together 20 years and sometimes he's better, but other times not.<p>Good luck, I know how you feel

What comes to mind is Michele Weiner-Davis' "Solution Journal" from The Divorce Remedy. She does a very good job of helping you zero in on specific action goals and advises not to work on more than 2 or 3 at a time.<p>Instead of "I want H to be more affectionate", your goal would be something very specific: "I want H to give me a real kiss (at least 10 seconds long) when we part in the morning and when we greet each other after work."<p>She then gives you progressive steps to follow to reach the goal. Oddly enough, the first step to try is simply asking, but she knows that doesn't always work, so offers many more ideas. You keep track in your "Solution Journal" what you've tried and the results so you can build on successes and eliminate what doesn't work.

Nikko,<p>Here's a suggestion. Send HIM a card or some flowers. I'm a guy but will admit that would melt me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Betcha ten bucks you will get TONS of affection in return!!!!!!<p>Best of luck and God bless

dear maggierose- im so sorry to hear about your situation. yes my husband is starting, but its the same things done all the time.(while in affair) i guess i want something for me, and only me. i know that sounds stupid, but its what i need right now.<p>conqueror-i will look into that, it sounds interesting. thank you for the suggestion.<p>mike-been there,done that. i always have. unfortunately this does not meet one of his needs so its not the same for him. wish it was. i also do little surprise notes in his wallet and cell phone. i love doing stuff like this. i figured out a good one the other day, gonna get a babysitter and leave him a note to meet me at a hotel!!(I'll be his other woman!!) hopefully this will get him going!!

Nikko<p>I totally understand your plight. Can't say I can give you any words of wisdom since we have the same problem!!! I have found, though, that the less I expect the happier I am when he DOES do something. I made him a great meal the other day...he walked in and commented on how great it smelled. We sat down to eat and he said he hadn't expected such a fancy supper...I said, I surprised you didn't I? He said yea, he was really surprised. I told him, yea, I like surprises too. And totally left it at that. Now I'll sit back and hope something got through...although I'm not going to expect that it did. My husband is an "instruction follower". If I wrote out exactly what I'd like him to do when he'd be more than happy to do it...but that's HARDLY THE POINT! He doesn't see it that way though. You don't suppose there's an herbal remedy for this do you?? I'd buy that by the BOAT LOAD! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

i wish- order two boats!!!<p>i think today i will tell him to do something- im not sure what. im gonna just tell him i need something.<p>i have to go to work so ill post later what i did. good day-see you all this afternoon

Nikko, <p>It sounds like your ready to ..... meet all the needs at once...besides the number 1 need<p>Hold back a little, let him come to you, at least in a way he knows he's chasing you a little but stay watchful. If HE gives YOU a lingering kiss, thats a start....the affection thing is a slow starter, but when it starts rolling....<p>The solution journal sounded like a good idea to help focus your(the two of you) efforts and not be expecting(a in the back of the mind hope) everything to happen quickly.<p>The hotel thing is a great idea, try to see if you can it to come from him first...again so he is kinda chasing you...but you and he have to be the judge....<p>Good luck<p>BTW, there may be a few things he'd like to teach you about him. Also, as macho men we like to think we should and do know already about our partners, and if no one gently or otherwise tells us any different, the thought is... everything is fine. Your talking to him to see is great, and I think you might find out that as long as you present any changes as changes and not "problem fixes" he will be more receptive...IMHO<p>keep keeping out the jungle... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
DRS

i wish i could get him to chase me. thats too much to wish for though. i am positive in what he does, i think the thing is he does what he thinks my need should be. or what also fills his need, not nececarily mine. i guess its a start....<p>maybe its the concept of...if she stayed through all of this, will she really ever leave? <p>who knows????