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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284 |
Paul,<p>The sad thing is that you are not in recovery. You are in a holding pattern until the affair ends. I wish it weren't so but it is.<p>God Bless,<p>JL
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 10
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2002
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Dear JL / Mr. Bunky: Thanks for your discussion. The resentment thing I'm trying to deal with. We all have human frailities, and my wife has been there for me for many years of her sacrificing herself for me (she has been a great business partner, but along the way became my business partner and not my wife - her words). <p>Today we talked - she said the fabric of our lives and kids and families and friends is woven tightly. We had marriage problems before the OM came in wounded and in need. He was an old flame, and she needed something to break her out of non-ending work / boring life / 9/11 depression / rut. I was thinking a trip for her and me to the Bahamas, she fell in love with OM and is tending his sickness.<p>Resentment - I have it. I worked my butt off to build our business to make life better for ourselves and our family. We succeeded. I worked fun parts of life around the business - some nights and weekends. But there was a lot of work and sacrifice to build something for us, and we did have some destruction of our relationship as a result. The business may have been my mistress for a time as I got immense satisfaction from building it from scratch.<p>She points out she didn't want to do the business and she didn't get the satisfaction from it I did(never vocalized it because it would put too much pressure on me and once we were in it there was no turning back). She points out that she couldn't stop me from getting into business for myself - it was a need I had to satisfy (she's right). <p>Now she's into something with the same effect - she didn't know where it would go when it started, but it's gone along a path and there's no turning back now. And it satisfies her needs now. There are similarities, but...her behavior is not based on a goal or foundation that has the best interests of us and our family in mind. It is selfish self-fulfillment and I resent that.<p>You are both right - I'm in this until the OM dies, and then the grief period of death and ending the A, and then we can take a look at us and see how to rebuild.<p>She seems firmly committed to a long life with me. I asked her today if she wanted to leave to be with him and take care of him until the end, and she refused, saying she can't leave her kids and life. But she wants to be there for him as much as possible because he doesn't have anyone else (his dad invited him to NH and promised a loving home - but she is cute and who would you rather be with - your dad or a cute lady who is your caretaker and lover?) I told her I thought she was keeping him from reconciling with his family, but she's too addicted to see it - it's only her and him in the world.<p>I know some of this is right out of the book. Some other is unique (like the definate end of the A in the forseeable future). I'm trying to prepare now for that time and the rebuilding.<p>She keeps saying she still loves me, but is "not in love with me". I respond I have always been in love with her (maybe it adds to her guilt?). And I assure her of my love. Don't know what else to do.<p>I leave Monday for 2 weeks overseas - no choice on this trip. She's a grown woman and independent, and will do what she wants. I will set limits before I leave and hope she can live with them.<p>Thanks for your support and ear and advice. Paul
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 10
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2002
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It's been almost 2 months since I last posted. I was overseas for a while, my wife had om here although she assured me nothing happened - but I suspect otherwise because "something" always happens when they are together. I was not a happy guy.<p>She's seen him a few times since then - when she can. His cancer has progressed and he spends much of his day in bed, on big doses of morphine to help with the pain. When he stands he vomits, and he can't eat anything. She wants to be with him all the time to give him the care and love that his own family does not. No doubt he has awakened the dormant lover in her - but he is the only other guy in 22 years she's ever been interested in.<p>We just had our 22nd anniversary - he was with us in spirit and we talked about him a lot - we do it almost every day, because I have a great deal of compassion for his situation. But I resent and am angry with the way my wife abandoned her life and family to focus only on him. She and I haven't made love in 4 months since she became physical with him. Maybe I love her too much.<p>I have lost 22 lbs (good deal) and worked out at the gym 3 times per week for the past 4 months, so I've gotten myself into pretty good physical shape. Friends tell me I'm looking good, and a few married women friends even told me I looked sexy and good. I had to smile that other women notice where my wife is oblivious. One even asked me to dance when we had 3 couples out - my wife was there but drifting in and out as she thought about him dying and her guilt that she was out listening to music with friends trying to have fun. When the lady asked me to dance I felt elated - my wife hasn't done that in so many years I can't even remember.<p>I am a confident guy, but I do appreciate positive feedback from a woman. I've worried her affair was partly due to me not being desirable anymore, but as some of our old and good budzo friends and pals have told me I'm ok and a good guy and would be quite a catch for a woman - they add they'd like to shake some sense into my w (these are her friends too, so I value their opinion).<p>My W understands it will be impossible for me to compete with om's ghost. But now he told her "he wants to die in her arms". It's one of the most noble and kind things anyone could do to grant a dying man his last wishes. But will it be possible to rebuild our lives afterwards, or will his ghost always be in bed with her and me?<p>I've remained patient and tolerant and supportive because he is dying and his own family has dumped on him. But sometimes I feel I'm at the end of my rope. Then again, I try to not make love busters but keep telling her I love her and listen to her concerns and worries and fears - even if they are focused on him. She promises she will focus on us again afterwards. But for the first time I can't see into the future with any idea how this will play out. I know what I want, but I don't know if she can handle this terrible mess and the cleanup and rebuilding - I fear his ghost's power will be too strong for us.<p>But I am persistent and won't give up...
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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
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Posts: 15,284 |
Ptash,<p>I am sorry that this continues. I fear that you are right about the ghosts, but I also fear that you are feeding the ghost by accepting things as well as you have. It is not really going to help.<p>Frankly, I would guess that there will be a year of mourning before there will be any attempt on her part to rebuild. Can you handle that? I hope I am wrong, but if she is deeply inlove and insists on playing out this deep melodrama, then I suspect that he will then be in her mind for a long time.<p>I think that you should really consult with a counselor about this. It is unlikely that your W will help you recover, and it is unlikely that she will recover from his death quickly. So how do you deal with this? I think/hope a counselor can help you.<p>Does she seem to have any idea what she is doing to you and the family? Or is she so deeply focused on herself and OM that nothing else matters?<p>I surely do hope that something happens to open her eyes.<p>God Bless,<p>JL
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,457
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Posts: 2,457 |
I agree with Just Learning. It is really shocking how your wife has abandoned you and your family. It does seem that you have been so accepting of the situation and it has allowed her to continue this romantic melodrama. She is married and committed to you which is something she apparently has forgotten. Actually your story indicates that she knows that she can do as she wishes because you are accepting of the situation. You seem to condone her behavior stating this was a previous affair that happened many years ago and it really was her only affair. Excuse me but she should never have an affair ever. How many affairs have you had? Of course the answer is none. She has told you that she was sorry to hurt you when she started having sex with the other man is again ridiculous. I do not care how sick her friend is; you do not leave your family and spend time and have sex with another man. My guess is that she had unprotected sex with him. I just do not understand all of this humiliation and disrespect you have been willing to accept. Of course it was kind of her to help someone else but you do not have sex with another man and leave your husband and three children at home. Her actions have been extremely hurtful and disrespectful to you but you seemingly have condoned her actions. I feel for you but it seems unreasonable that any husband should have accepted such actions. I am afraid you have been an enabler. Clearly the OM does not care that she is married and apparently she does not care either.
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906 |
Bryanp:<p>WHY ARE YOU HERE? <p>ARE YOU UNAWARE THAT THIS IS A *MARRIAGE BUILDERS* SITE, AND THAT MOST OF THE PEOPLE HERE ARE HERE PRECISELY BECUASE THEIR SPOUSES ARE NOT ACTING LIKE THEY ARE MARRIED AND THE BS WANTS TO WAIT FOR THE CHANCE TO REBUILD THEIR MARRIAGES???<p>WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE IN ALL THIS NEGATIVE ADVICE?? DO YOU NOT THINK WE ARE *ALL* AWARE OF THE LOSE-LOSE SITUATIONS WE FIND OURSELVES IN???<p>SHOULD EVERYONE JUST GIVE UP, GO OUT & DATE, FIND SOMEONE ELSE AND THEN WILL THAT FIX EVERYTHING??<p>GO AWAY.
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956 |
This is only a suggestion....might work....but then again might cause alot of negative responses here. <p>Please note that the only reason I suggest it is because the numerous posts on this site (MB) are rich in unselfishness. Unselfish in sharing spouses with another person. Unselfish in putting your own needs last. Unselfish in letting another person decide what direction your own life is going in. <p>What if.....Just what if....<p>YOU "offered" to help her care for this man in his last days.<p>What if you were there with her as she took care of him while he was riddled with bouts of nausea and vomiting? What if you took turns talking to him as he struggled to focus through a morphine induced fog? What if you became a caregiver in the most basic of ways to another human being whose days on earth were numbered?<p>This would take an exceptionally strong person to do this. You would again be putting all your needs aside and your own life on hold until she "decided" when it was going to resume. <p>It cannot be much worse than it already is...and plus your presence there would hamper any of the physical things that might or might not be happening. It would show her what a loving, caring and totally unselfish human being you can be also (which is generally what the Plan A is all about anyways). In all good conscience she would not be able to shoot you down for wanting to help. She might also get a clue in what she is doing by insisting that she abandon her own family and their needs to meet the ones of another person (big reach there, but what the hey).<p>The bravest and most daring thing of all would be to offer to move him there in order to make it easier and more comfortable for everyone. After all....his last days should be surrounded by people that care (at least with your WW there he would be). Just be prepared for her to call your bluff and accept that due to the fact that she does not seem to be reasoning well. Could a bond actually form between the two of you in caring for this one person? Could that be a common link that she might need?<p>Please remember...this is merely a suggestion that could be way out of line. After all, I am merely a "junior member" and not that well learned on all the concepts that are told here. <p>Gawd, I am so thankful that this is an "anonymous" site.....I might be in line for some serious flaming for this one. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
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