Neighbour told my H when he called him last week that he know that H will never again be his neighbour. Said H didn't agree nor did he disagree. <p>Neighbour said it's been too long. I'm angry. H is angry. We've done too much to hurt one another.<p>My mother says H doesn't care for me anymore and never will. She says she's always "right" about these things. H has a plan for OW to come here in the future from overseas. It just has to be the right time. <p>Neighbour suggested that his son could mow my lawn instead of getting a lawn service. H said last night that he would do it. I opposed the idea but neighbour was outside and I didn't want to make a scene. H went over to neighbour and told him that HE would cutting the lawn until further notice. Also mentioned that HE would be taking the patio furntiture out on Saturday (it's stored with neighbour).<p>H leaves and accuses me of making him feel non-existent when I do these things. I didn't react. All I said was that I'm sorry he feels that way and left it at that.

T -- its YOUR home -- not his any longer by HIS choice. Who mows the lawn is YOUR decisions to make.<p>You seem to be giving in to all his demands and letting him make all the decisions.<p>T -- I really believe you need to make him feel the pain of his decision to separate. Don't let him do the things that alleviate his guilt.<p>And if your mother is correct and he's planning to move the bimbo here in the future, then I think its important that he not be given the opportunity to pass that relationship off as something new to his family. I REALLY think you should tell his sister.

Hi T... I think the lawn cutting and the furninture things.. is him wanting to be your H... obviously.. please tell others to stop discouraging your marital recovery... I think they are trying to prote ct you from hoping for what may not happen...<p>YOu be strong and follow this plan, it is the best... I have ofund... you will be ok...<p>Maybe you could let him do the lawn... wouldn't that be a love depostit for you? could he do it nicely? without controlling you?<p>
Hugs, H

Honey -- this is NOT marital recovery.
Please go back and read more of the MB principals!<p>Terri's husband is not in recovery. He's a cakeman. And T is in danger of being an enabler, unless she puts some boundries in place and stops letting him control the whole situation.<p>Up until lately, T has allowed him to call all the shots. She needs to regain some control. Which will earn her some RESPECT from her WS. Which she hasn't been getting from him in quite some time. <p>Believe me -- you need to be strong, in control, and "happy" -- or at least ACTING like it. You can't love someone you don't respect. T needs to regain her WS's respect so that the next step is to regain his love.

T - Your WS gave up his rights to mow your yard and decide when to put the patio furniture out when he left the house. It is your decision who does what to your yard. If you let him feel that he can come and go as he pleases that is exactly what he will do. Set some boundries and let him know that he can come when he is ready to stay, until then he needs to go.<p>Let him live with his choices for a while and see how much he really likes them. You can take care of yourself and the house and let him see this.<p>As far as what your mom or anyone else says about the hope for your marriage, do not listen to them. There is hope, but until the WS has to deal with the reality of their decisions, hope will not become reality.<p>Take care of you and hang in there.

Lex, Good to hear from you. I feel the same way about the lawn and the furniture. You're right that he doesn't want to feel guilty. He wants to demonstrate to others that he's not abandoning us entirely BUT...I've called some lawn service companies. I know what I have to do, Lex. Honestly. And I also agree about telling his sister. I've dropped some hints and one day within the next few weeks, I will give her the full story. I have no choice.<p>H says he "owns" half the house on paper and he has a right to take care of it for fear that "I'll just let it go" like I've already done. Oh yes, I've let it go alright. We have grubs. I'm taking care it. I've purchased two new light fixtures, one for the kitchen, one for the sitting room. I'v purchased a beautiful mirror for our dining room. I've arranged to have hardwood put into the sitting room at the end of this month. I'm buying new chairs for the sitting room and getting rid of the old couch. I'm having the backsplash done in the kitchen. And I just purchased a nice iron bistro set for the back of the yard. I had the alarm installed when he left. <p>No, I'm not sitting doing nothing. In many ways, I've taken responsibility for things that were always done together. This is all been very hard for me but I am starting to make more and more decisions by myself. <p>BTW, I just left H a message indicating that the yard is my responsibility and that he please not mow it. Although the way I manage it may never meet his standards, I'll do what I can. I said it nicely and matter-of-fact. <p>Honey, Sadly enough, Lex is right. I am not in mrital recovery. <p>Thanks to all for your insight.

Terrified,
Your neighbor doesn't know crayons from crap, ok? <p>He has no right to say it has been too long or that too much hurt has happened for it to NEVER work.<p>Who made him the Great Scorekeeper. You know, if you are a Christian and you ask God's forgiveness with a contrite heart, the forgiveness is there, you can't outsin God's forgiveness. Human forgiveness doesn't always seem too easy, but though you can choose to not forgive, if you forgive there is no hurt too great that can't be forgiven. But it's a choice.<p>Your marriage has been troubled for awhile, it is troubled now, that does not mean it is beyond future hope. Unless that is what your H chooses and/or you choose or accept.<p>Your mother bugs me. If she has to talk to your H, can't you at least ask her not to share his & her own negativity with you? Put your hand up and say, I don't want to hear second hand what H has to say, that's personal between you and him. She's got to be making you as crazy as he is.<p>Your H is really about power and control. You don't do the lawn right, so plan to hire it done...but oh no, he's got to do it so it is done right. Well, doing it right is the lawnkeepers daily income.<p>Your second post is so much more confident. Keep that confidence in the face of your H...who isn't actually welcome unannounced in your house but seems to be there a lot.<p>You are setting boundaries, and he isn't liking them. His liking them is not the issue, the boundaries are a consequence of his actions in moving out of the household and having an OW who might be moving in...grrr.<p>You are really doing a good job in keeping your cool, standing you ground. And, if you can get these bystanders to stop giving you useless H information, I think you'll do even better.

t- I did not mean you are in marital recovery.. but I do see the point in not letting him do the yard.. and that he wants to maintain control or whatever... feel that he is not abandoing you or the house.. his house entirely.. I just thought it was nice that he wanted to do the yard.. and maybe you could let him do that as a gift... to keep lines of communication open... and that it might help you move towards recovery in the future. I guess I am failing so much lately... that I am looking like a flunky on ideas... <p>I really did not mean you were in recovery.. just hoping you would get there.. maybe my texas talk... was misunderstood... sometimes I think we leave words that are possibly suppossedly understood out... I see that I was unclear... thanks, and good luck and good riddens to him! I personally would be thrilled if my h would offer to do my yard, and I would see it as a major love deposit... since that is something that meets my needs... I would love for him to do it! <p>That would not mean a key! And his a is over... as long as nothing is going with my imagination and inference about the housekeeper??// who knows anymore? I am definitely not anyone to be giving advice.. just thoughts of you and hugs... <p>H