WH is finally opening up, though it is such a difficult process. He honestly doesn't have a clue how to communicate on a "intimate" level. It's frustrating for both of us.<p>Anyhow, he unloaded a lot of his past the other day and through everything he said, I could hear "I am not good enough," "I will never be good enough," "Nothing I do will be good enough...." through what he was talking about. Awhile back I sensed this also and asked him flat out "DO you think you are not good enough for me?" and he said that he feels that way more often than not and especially since after his A.<p>He was raised by an unemotional father who always made him feel like a failure...he still feels like he is a failure in his eye...his job isn't good enough, etc. I fell right into the role from day one with my disrespectful judgments, fell right into the parent role, him into the child role, and well you know from all of the books what happens next. He stayed in his child-defense mode... lying, avoiding all responsibility, etc. He also continues to self-sabotage himself to MAKE himself not good enough...if that makes sense.<p>So as a BS, how do I make him feel like he is good enough, how do I encourage him to deal with his father (who has changed a great deal in the past 10 years that I have known him), how do I support him without enabling him? I have done a lot of soul searching and have stopped the disrespectful judgments for the most part, though some still slip out and I apologize and explain the outburst right away. But I still find myself "setting him up" to fail and trying to "rescue" him before I give him the chance to do something himself. I don't know why I do this????<p>Basically, how do I make him see that he is a decent person who made a very bad series of choices. He feels like he has no worth and when he starts getting there, he crushes himself.<p>[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: WeR trying ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>So as a BS, how do I make him feel like he is good enough, how do I encourage him to deal with his father (who has changed a great deal in the past 10 years that I have known him), how do I support him without enabling him? I have done a lot of soul searching and have stopped the disrespectful judgments for the most part, though some still slip out and I apologize and explain the outburst right away. But I still find myself "setting him up" to fail and trying to "rescue" him before I give him the chance to do something himself. I don't know why I do this???? <hr></blockquote><p>You can do NOTHING! This is his demon to fight. You will NEVER be able to reassure him enough.<p>My H fights this demon as well. And, I do too, to a certain extent. <p>Is he in any kind of counseling? I know on other boards I have read about men getting involved in men's ministries at church as well... or other support groups.<p>I just reassure my H that I love him and HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN HIM, but that he has to learn to believe in himself... and ask that he find some tools to help him do just that... because I want him to feel as strong as I know he is.<p>Good luck,
Cali

I guess I knew that, just need to "hear" it from someone else. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We are in MC together and he is supposed to be going to IC, but him and the C keep "missing" eachother. WH is avoiding IC in my opinion...but I don't push it. I guess he'll go when he is ready...which may be never. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

WeR trying <p> It appears that my husband and I may be in a simular situation as you are. I was wondering if you could be more specific on some of your problems. You said that you "set him up to fail", could you explain this? What are his reactions to you when you do this? If I am being to personal or you wish not to discuss this I will understand.

I ask him to do things I know he will fail at (at least in my mind). I guess I unconditionally set traps. I don't really know how to explain it. I guess an example would be the old "Do you think I look fat" question. If he answers it honestly I'll be offended (of course even if I am skinny, I'll assume he thinks I'm fat), if he tries to make me feel good, I'll be angry that he's lying. Of course the important issues are at a much higher level than that... I just can't think of a better example right now. Or I rescue him without giving him a chance and then resent him later... maybe I'll ask him to do something and if he doesn't do it fast enough I'll do it myself and then get angry that he didn't do it... I'm getting much better at all of this, but I still catch myself doing it.

WeRtrying, don't know if I have anything to add but WOW can I relate. My WS has probably felt like this all his life and our beginning married life re-enforced it and now with the A, I cannot imagine him ever getting out of self-destruct mode. It would take a team of counselors to unearth the muck and mire within him. I cannot even imagine him looking inward. How can a person who thinks so poorly of themselves find a way to look inward when all they see is what they have done wrong. UGH----what a horrible place to be.<p>BUT it is his problem and his pain....I cannot help him with this one. I know God can but he has no inclination toward the things God has for him so I live with so little hope. As a matter of fact, I am stepping away from my M cause I cannot be tossed about much longer. It is sad.<p>I too was disrespectful and never was satisfied but I have done a 180. I have changed and this seems to make him feel worse. He can't fathom how I can be so caring. So what I am trying to say is that your H has to understand the whys of what makes him feel this way and he has to work on the solution. You cannot be his solution. It sounds like there is a little codependency going on in you so try reading Codependent No More and some other Melodie Beattie books.<p>Thanks for posting this cause it re-enforces my need to get out of my H way and hope he finds some answers for himself.<p>TW