tee-hee [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>add more if you have them... it's been a while since we had a good joke thread [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
The Henpecked Husband

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You
don't
have t let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the
boss."
The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the
doctor's
advise! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his
wife's
face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want
my
supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and
lay out
my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going
to
stay home where you belong. And another thing.....you know who's going
to
comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker."

LOL.<p>I have one along similar lines (sent to me by my W!)<p>
If you love something, set it free.<p> If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours
to begin with.<p>BUT........<p>If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free<p>.........then,<p>you either married it or gave birth to it!

Ok, I have one. Hope this doesn't offend anyone. I've worked for attorneys for 10 yrs. now, but I thought this was funny when I heard it.<p>What do sperm and attorneys have in common?<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>One in a million is actually a human being!<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I like those [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Here's another little one:<p>How many egomaniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?<p>.
.
.
.
.<p>Just one. He just holds the lightbulb in place and the whole world revolves around him.<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hen Pecked Husband - Part II<p>As the husband in Faith's joke approached the pearly gates, he saw two lines for the men: one for "henpecked" husbands and one for "not hen pecked" husbands. Two other husbands in the "hen pecked" line watched him go right to the front on the "not hen pecked" line, since there were no others there.<p>1st henpecked husband: look at that guy!<p>2nd henpecked husband: Yea, hey fella - that's the line for "not henpecked" husbands! What are you doing over there?<p>"My wife told me to get in this line."

This guy goes to his doctor and says: "Doc. I've been having trouble remembering things lately."
The doctor replies: "How long has this been going on?"
The guy answers: "How long has what been going on?"

This guy goes to his doctor and says: "Doc. I haven't been feeling myself, lately."
The doctor replies: "YES! And you look much better, too!"

Blonde joke - no offense my daughters are
blonde<p>A blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries. <p>The dispatcher says. "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."<p>A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." he says. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

THE SHALLOW END OF THE GENE POOL CONTINUES TO EXPAND<p>These are taken from real resumes and cover letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:<p>1. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and
spreadsheet pogroms.
2. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever
forget details.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
5. Reason for leavin<p>These quotes were taken from actual Performance
Evaluations:<p>1. Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This associate is really not so much of a
has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
4. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is
only to change whichever foot was previously in.<p>These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:<p>1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy
to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't comin.

tee-hee [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>laughter is such good medicine<p>I liked this one:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy
to hold it all together. <hr></blockquote>

God has a sense of humour..<p>A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies".<p>God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his
mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home; and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.<p>At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 PM he was exhausted and though his chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.<p>The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back". <p>The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night"!!!
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Surely he'll breastfeed for 6-9 months if not longer! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]