I am confused... What am I supposed to do when WS does not agree on the policy of radical honesty. I have asked WS to call me when she leaves work. This way I know she will be coming straight home. I have called her one-hour before her day end to remind her. “Babe can you please call me when you leave”. She simply will not do it. These are just little things. Ws blows up when I ask for pin # to cell phone etc. I will admit that my plan A could use some work. I have every reason to believe that Ws is still Contacting OM. Thing are getting progressively worse. The way she talks to me is so upsetting.<p> Quote<p>I think that if the two people love eachother enough then they will go to any extreme to keep thier M. Counseling does help if you get the right person. But it takes both partners to make a M work. <p>I feel I am the only one who is trying here. What am I supposed to do when Ws does not seem to want to try. I feel like she is purposely trying to break me down so I will call it quits. Am I just to continue working on my plan A and continue being treated like this?

I can relate to your situation. I have felt all along that i was the only one trying and that ww was still in contact with om. WW keeps stating that she is not in contact with om since DD and i have to believe that. i remember a while back someone replied to me and said that i can second guess my wife to death and that will only drive her away. i believe that now. ww is constantly talking separation and i have finally agreed. the paid of having her here when she doesn't want to be and saying very hurtful things is much worse. i am going to love her and treat her well while she is here and up to the day she leaves, if she actually leaves. I hope and pray she doesn't but i cannot control that. it is hard to do but i have to do it. just live. dont ask where she is at or for committment to the future, just love her and enjoy today. believe me i know its hard, i live it everyday. <p>good luck and god bless,
hopenden

Your problem is that you want a choice you cannot have. You need to face that and accept it. You cannot force her into marital recovery. She is a separate individual and can and should make her own decisions.<p>Don't you want her to CHOOSE you? If you actually COULD make her do things your way (which you cannot), would that really satisfy you? Don't you want to be wanted?<p>You have your own choices to make, and that is plenty. Let her deal with her choices. Because you are married, your choices will affect each other. As I see it, your choices are simple, but painful. There is no comfortable choice when it comes to marital infidelity, but a choice is necessary nevertheless.<p>In its simplest form and in the context of this forum, your choice is the following: Continue and improve Plan A or discontinue Plan A. Which do you want to do? And if you discontinue Plan A, what do you want to do instead?<p>There are some important things to remember about Plan A:<p>

• It is about you, not her. You work on yourself, not her.
• It is a TEMPORARY course of action in preparation for Plan B. She will not be treating you "like this" forever. There are only two outcomes to Plan A--Marital recovery or Plan B--both of which will put an end to what is happening now that is causing you so much pain.
• It begins with eliminating LBs. All coercion, mocking, disrespect, angry outbursts, selfish demands have to stop. If you do not stop the LB behavior, your account in her Love Bank will do nothing but hemorrhage out whatever, if anything, is left in it. You have to patch up the leaks first before you'll have any chance of making any deposits through filling ENs. Eliminating LBs will have an immediate beneficial effect on your R. Most WS are not ready for their BS to start filling their ENs until after the worst of withdrawal. By eliminating LBs during the time of withdrawal, you are preparing the way to make your EN deposits really count when the time comes.

<p>She very well could still be contacting the OM, and if she is refusing to follow the extraordinary precautions and the Policy of Radical Honesty and not getting through the symptoms of withdrawal from the OM, then I'd be willing to bet on it.<p>However, your choices remain the same. As long as she is in contact with the OM or going through withdrawal, she is not a candidate for marital recovery, so that choice is not open to you, or to her for that matter.<p>Every single one of us here on this forum who has lived through a six-month Plan A can tell you that many times it is like hell on earth. There is no denying that. There is no doubt that a WS in this type of situation is committing the worst of emotional abuse on their spouse. The previous backstabbing becomes a frontal assault, and I doubt there is anything more painful. Those of us who have lost children or other loved ones to death have found even the hell of that easier to bear.<p>But I think if we did a poll, most of us who have lived through it have no regrets that we did it. We have grown as individuals and found a strength we didn't know we had, and if the M does end up in the toilet, we can walk away with a clear conscience and be much better prepared for a new R than we would have been had we bypassed Plan A.<p>We can share our experience and what we've learned on our journey, but you have to make your own choice about how to proceed. We'll try to light the way ahead for you to make that choice a little clearer and we can even be here for you to lean on as you struggle through it, but we can't walk it for you.<p>I believe you can do a good Plan A. My H, after being disrespectful and controlling to 3 wives has actually refrained from the mocking, the disrespect, the demands, the punishment of the silent treatment, and the rages for 3 whole months now, and I believe it is the first time in his life, so it can be done.<p>Deep down, don't you want to be the kind of husband who is loving, nurturing, supportive, strong, desirable, a hero to his wife? If you work on being the man you want to be, you may be pleasantly surprised to discover who you're married to.

bravo Conqueror <clap clap>

Funkedup I would suggest that you print Conqueror's post and read it as much as you can because it explains very well what the MB concept of plan A is.<p>I would like to add something that another poster said so succintly (I beleive it was Worthatry). You, the BS, can not do anything to stop the affair except push your W, the WS, further into it, with your love busters (angry outbursts,disrespectful judgements, and selfish demands).<p>In the meantime you have the moral duty to take good care of yourself. Go to sporting events, the theatre or the movies, volunteer for a worthy cause, enroll in self improvement classes (anger management -oops you've taken that one already [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] -, cooking, personal investment, etc), join a gym, read inspirational books, etc. In essence, it's called getting a life.<p>If you treat your W with patience, kindness, and respect, without expecting anything in return from her and live your life with enriching experiences, she is bound to notice and just MAY start her to think that she is better off with you than with OM.<p>Don't forget to read Conqueror's post again and keep us posted.<p>Joe

Last night WS admitted to contact with OM. Once again the MB board has successfully looked into the crystal ball and warned me of this out come. I have been working on myself. I have been going to the gym and making plans other than staying around the house and stew over things. WS says OM called her to see how she was. She did not tell him not to call back she say&#8217;s she didn&#8217;t have to (yea right). Ws said she wants out and does not know what she wants. On one hand she says &#8220; I can&#8217;t see things ever being the same with you, your friends and family&#8221;. On the other hand she says, &#8220;I know if we get a divorce I will feel like I made a big mistake&#8221;. Ws is still going to go to counseling tonight but she won&#8217;t say she wants to work on M. WS says she is going because I said I would like her to go. It has been one month since d-day and I feel like I have been through a war&#8230;. A losing one. I tried to explain that if we both followed the narrow path Harley discribes we could make it. Ws say she is not willing to do that right now. I feel so numb. I just want to know where is my life headed.

funkedup,<p>Heck, you haven't even begun to fight. At one month, these are just the first skirmishes of the war. You just lost a battle funkedup not the war.<p>Look, even if she did make contact with OM, she will probably take 3-6 months to get through withdrawal. Until then you will get the constant, I want to leave, I will regret leaving, I don't love, I am sorry, I do love you BUT... <p>Millions of excuses and most of them heard by the people here over and over. I would invite you to write them all down and see if you ever hear an original one. She will be hard pressed to come with some of the ones that have been posted here before.<p>funkedup, hang in there man. This is normal, even the backsliding back to the OM. Stay the course, steady yourself in your life and stick with the plan. You will see results.<p>By the way, no one had to look into a crystal ball. All of the clues were there, and it is almost like it is scripted. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Sorry, to tarnish the kudo's for the folks here, but they KNEW what was happening and going to happen.<p>So Hang, ask questions, keep reading, and do Plan A as long as you can. Then it is off to Plan B. I will repeat what is often repeated here. None of these plans are designed to get your W back to you. They are designed for yourself improvement and to help you hang in there long enough for the affair to finally flame out. Plan B particularly is a self-preservation step. IT IS NOT A STEP TO FORCE WS HOME.<p>That part she will have to do herself.<p>Hang in there and God Bless,<p>JL

Funked ....<p>Are you depressed? Have you been sleeping? Eating? Are you able to function (near normal)? Do NOT be shy about asking for help from your physician. It really was a Godsend to be placed on anti-depressants while in your shoes.<p>Conqueror has written what is probably THE BEST advice you will get .... print it out and keep it with you ... read and re-read. Focus on yourself ... that's where you have the power to affect positive changes.<p>Take care.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

I second Pepper's suggestion about the antidepressants. It does help to take the edge off the pain enough to function adequately and to ease some of the anxiety. The way I picture it is as if you're teetering on the edge of a high cliff about to fall off, and the antidepressants are like a strong arm pulling you back a couple steps to stand on solid ground and get better footing. It doesn't carry you to a place of safety and rest, but it does help you catch your breath and enhance your ability to assess your situation and figure out how to get to that place.<p>But JL is right. There is no quick fix. It is going to take a LOOOOONG time to get to "normalcy" again, whether you remain living with your W or not or divorced or whatever. You have suffered a life-changing event, and it will take a long time to recover no matter which path you take.<p>The benefit of Plan A is that you will be gaining tools and skills that you will need in the future to build the R you want to have. If your W decides to be a part of that, then wonderful. But if she doesn't, you will know that you are the best you can be and will be Mr. Right for another lucky woman.<p>The bottom line is that you do not have the choice to avoid the pain. The pain is inevitable. It is horrible. It is awful. We've all experienced it, and many are just like you--in the midst of the worst of it. We can commisserate with you. We KNOW. It is pure hell. But you will always be able to find someone here who has taken at least one step toward getting out of the hell-hole and can offer you a helping hand to get you to that level. If you keep hanging on, you won't stay in the worst of it forever.<p>There is a way out, but it is THROUGH the fire.