After having what I truly considered to be the happiest marriage any two people could have, my W informed me in January that she loved me, I was her best friend, but that she wasn&#8217;t in love with me any longer. Later that day she admitted she had feelings for another man at work. We began dating 22 ½ years ago and had been married for over 18 years. We have two children, ages 13 and 9.<p>She moved out 2/2/02 and filed for divorce in March. The divorce could be final as early as 7/25/02. She has been very adamant in saying she wants to be my friend but that she doesn&#8217;t feel anything in her heart for me and that she never wanted to marry me to begin with or has ever loved me. Of course I made the mistake of pulling out all the letters and anniversary cards she&#8217;s written in and reminded her of all the conversations where she&#8217;s told me how much she loves me. Never once during our marriage did she ever express unhappiness. She says the cards, letters and conversations were just words and she&#8217;s never been happy and never loved me the way she should. She wants me to find someone to treat me the way I deserve and she says that someday I&#8217;ll thank her for doing this.<p>Two weeks ago she came over to my house to do some things and she ended up in tears. I asked what was wrong and she wouldn&#8217;t tell me but eventually said didn&#8217;t want to tell me because she didn&#8217;t want to give me hope. She then went on to say her life has been pure hell and she can&#8217;t sleep at night and cries frequently. She said she knows she needs to get the OM out of her life and needs to find her independence. She said that doesn&#8217;t mean I want to come back to you but I&#8217;m confused and don&#8217;t know if I want a divorce or what I want. Our children heard her say these things but the next week she denied having said she wants the OM out of her life or that she&#8217;s not sure whether or not she wants to divorce me. She said she knows she wants a divorce and doesn&#8217;t want the OM out of her life. She told me that week was a difficult week for her and that I didn&#8217;t know what was going on in her life at that time.<p>A few days later I found out that her and the OM were looking at house lots and were planning on building a house together. I couldn&#8217;t believe they would be considering such a thing this early in the relationship. The next weekend (one week after telling me how confused she was), my daughter said my W was upset with the OM and said he lied to her and she didn&#8217;t know that he could ever regain her trust. The next evening everything was back to normal with them.<p>I&#8217;ve been trying to use plan B and have as little to do with my W as possible since plan A hadn&#8217;t been working, however, that doesn&#8217;t seem to be working either and she keeps taking steps that will lead to the end of our marriage. Any ideas?

Plan B doesn't "work".<p>Plan B isn't about forcing your wife to end the affair.<p>Until your wife's A is over, she will continue to divorce you. What you witnessed was a "burp" in the relationship. You know how teenagers are in love one sec, breaking up and getting back together in two more seconds...up and down, back and forth, totally crazy?<p>That's what is going on with your wife.<p>Just because she breaks up and says she is done with him doesn't mean its true. It just means in 24 hours she'll be back in his arms.<p>I know it hurts to hear it, but its reality.<p>Your divorce will probably go through before the affair is over, unfortunately. If you are in Plan B, it means NO CONTACT. It means you cant be having relationship talks - unless she is telling you how she means to recover your marriage by taking responsiblity for her actions.<p>You won't have a chance with her until the OM is totally gone for good. You might be able to recover the relationship after that - but sadly it sounds like your marriage will be legally over before that happens. <p>You need to decide what your plan is. Call Steve Harley if at all possible. I highly recommend it.

Hey there djw,<p>I know this situation is rough - I'm in the thick of my own mess... And to hammer home that you AREN'T alone, and that what you're seeing is normal, consider the following parallels with my WW:<p>- She said that infamous "I love you but am not in love with you"
- She said at times that she knew she wanted out - that OM was her "soulmate"
- She's had times when she's broken down and questioned what the heck she's doing (and not wanting to give me "false hope")
- She's claimed that her relationship with OM has been very "up and down" - i.e. much like you described where one moment they're totally "in love", the next, they're at each others' throats, the next all is forgiven.<p>So... don't feel that the situation is hopeless... because for all of this, my WW has been on the fence for 7 months now! (I know, I know some out there are telling me it's time to push her off the fence - I'm working on it, okay?!) And somewhere between being totally convinced about divorcing and wanting to work on the marriage is confusion - so her being confused isn't necessarily a bad thing!<p>One thing you might want to consider is which Plan is best for you right now... Plan B tends to follow a period of Plan A - where you attempt to improve yourself, make yourself an attractive choice. That's generally done by not LB'ing - AT ALL - and trying to meet any EN she'll let you meet (in the heat of an A, that may be very little).<p>The basic idea is to establish a track record of change that she can recognize, THEN go to Plan B. Before you've at least attempted to address some of her "complaints" with the marriage, she can use this material ad nauseum to justify her actions in her own mind... so at least consider what you've done in your Plan A efforts.<p>In my case, I've found that Plan A, combined with some "strategic action", carefully co-ordinated with Steve Harley's help, has put WW's A under some big stress. And cracks are forming in her wall against me. The key is basically time, patience, and applying the guidelines of Plan A/B, depending on where you're at.<p>[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

djw - confirming Rosie and J.R., your W is following the script perfectly.<p>But so are you. She's following the WS script, you're following the "uninformed BS" script.<p>I suggest you stop in your tracks and get informed before you say or do anything else regarding your W.<p>Start by reading WAT's Quick Start Guidelines For Betrayed Spouses on the Just Found Out board. Then read everything you can here about infidelity and Plan A starting at the MB home page. Afterwards, come back with specific questions.<p>Rosie is right. Think of your wife as a teenie bopper.

I read Dr. Harely's book, "Surviving an Affair", and gave it to my wife yesterday to read as well. I was amazed at how similar our situation is to what was descibed in the book. I know it's probably not a good idea to ask her to read it and I'm sure she won't but I figured it couldn't hurt.<p>I went to our daughter's school concert yesterday and was sitting by myself and my wife came to sit with me. When we're together like that, it's almost as if nothing's changed and we can be so nice to each other. However, she seems to have no doubt that she doesn't want me in her life as a "husband" and does want the OM to play that role.<p>My son told me they went looking at house lots again last evening and she told our kids that they're in love and are going to spend the rest of their lives together. They only began dating in January. My daughter (13) refuses to talk to the OM and my wife actually told her the other evening that she's acting like a bit*h. I couldn't believe she would say such a thing but I promised not to tell my wife what my daughter told me.<p>I'm moving on with my life fairly well and my counselor said I'm doing very well. However, I still love her so much and would love for her to come back and give our marriage a chance. Is my wife way more extreme than most examples and is this a sign they'll probably spend the rest of their lives together happily?<p>I just get so confused on how she could consider building a house with someone she's known such a short period and it makes me think there is no way whatsoever she'll ever change her mind and give our marriage a chance. Just curious as to whether or not it's truly a sign she's never coming back. As I indicated in an earlier post, two or three weeks ago she told me her life was pure hell and she didn't know what she wanted. Now she seems very sure of what she wants. Thanks.

djw,<p>She's an addict. Hooked on an affair. It explains the swings in mood, the irrational behaviors, etc.<p>Since you aren't pursuing the divorce, why don't you try to slow it down? I can't imagine that your wife can file for a no-fault divorce and push it through in 3 months, if you are unwilling to cooperate. You should be able to stretch it to a year or so. Even if she does divorce you, I'd suggest that you stick with a Plan B situation for at least another year---give this affair time to go "kablooie".<p>And the suggestion to call Steve Harley is excellent---he's a terrific counselor.

Thanks, I think I may end up contacting Steve. One of the things I'm confused about is Plan A/B. It is really difficult (impossible so far) for me to implement Plan B because I can't stand to not speak with her or be nice to her. I almost feel like out of sight is out of mind and that this will do less good than Plan A. When I'm working on Plan A, things seem to go pretty well for us getting along, however, it didn't seem to diminish her desire to divorce me and build a home with the OM.

djw,<p>If your W and OM build a house together, I can almost guarentee that they will NOT live happily ever after. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Seriously, it seems to me there are two things to consider. One, the affair is very new, so the fog is very very thick. As Divorce looms, your W will have second thoughts. Two, it is likely that this affair did not really start in Jan. That is the good new and the bad news in my book.<p>The bad news is it isn't just an infacuation. THe good news is that is probably closer to failure than if it just started. <p>My guess is along with everyone else, this will die out, it may not before the divorce, hence K's suggestion to slow it down if you can. But, the odds are high that it will. The other suggestion that you counsel with the Harley's is a good one. YOu need a game plan here.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I spoke with Steve on Friday and am working on continuing Plan A. Steve also felt I should try to do what I can to stall the divorce more towards the end of the year.<p>My son called me this morning and told me that my W and the OM were kissing each other on the lips last night (my daughter 13, wasn't there at the time). My son asked the OM how he could kiss her...and his response was you'll understand when you get older. I can't believe they do this in front of a 9 year old and I don't think it's healthy for him to witness. However, I can't tell her what the kids tell me, plus it would be a major LB. Any advice on how to handle a touchy subject like this? It's not an option for me to obtain full custody, as the kids do want to be with each of us 50% of the time and would be very upset with me if I were to fight for that. Thanks.