Hi all,
I have lurked these boards before about a year ago. I thought I might become a member because things have gotten so out of hand and I'm so confused. I am totally new so please bare with me as I am reading all the information for new comers. My story goes back to the year 2000. I met up with an old boyfriend of mine who I dated in Highschool. He was my "first love". I never thought anything would transpire out of our first meeting but after a few phone calls about why we broke up so long ago. He also, wanted to appologjize for treating me really bad one day... He said, that if he ever saw me again, he wanted me to know this. <p>Anyway, here we are almost 2 years later and feelings so deep. We have never had sex but we've been cozy together on more than a dozen occasions. We have tried desperately to break things off because we are both very happy with our spouses. We are both finding that our feelings are so strong that it is too difficult to let go. I'm at a point now in my life where I cannot hardly function. I have a business, a child (11years old) and wonderful H. My OM, has a 4 year old and a wonderful wife too. I am so scared right now because I know it is advised that I tell my H. Right now, I feel like I deserve everything that comes to me. I don't want to lose my H, I love him iwth all my heart but I am having a hard time letting to of OM. I would like any input and I am seriously thinking of what my next step will be and am so afraid of it...... Thank you for your time...<p>MissJasmine

MissJ,
Since you've spent time reading here, you probably know what most of the advice is going to consist of...ie..no more contact with OM, start meeting your H's emotional needs, be honest and tell your H everything and start working at building a stronger marriage. And all of that is true.<p>I'd like you to think of one more thing. Just imagine that while you were posting here, your H, whom you love, was meeting up with an old GF or maybe someone at wotk that he had gotten interested in. They've not had sex yet, but have spent some time cuddling, maybe a few kisses, and some intimate conversations. As he drives home he thinks of her, and how good she made him feel, and how, "since there hasn't been anything sex it's not an affair" crosses his mind. So he decides not to discuss it with you..."why worry her" is his thinking...besides, "she might want me to stop seeing her and I really don't want to." And while, it's true, they haven't had sex, it doesn't mean he hasn't thought about it.<p>Now, think about everything you've told your old friend, and imagine your H telling the same sort of things about you to another woman.<p>Tell me how you feel imagining the tables turned?
T

Hi Jasmine,<p>Welcome to MB. I am sorry you are hear under such stressful circumstances. You have come to a good place and since you are able to see the good in your family then your healing process is already in progress. <p>Have you read surviving an affair? Also Steve & Jennifer offer phone counseling. Your feelings for the OM are quite real but also quite deadly to your family. <p>You are right to want to pull out of this relationship that is headed towards disaster. I was once in a situation where someone I worked with was separated and we got along wonderfully. I was young and single but he was not. The point is that our friendship was strong enough to allow for the breakup. He truly wanted me happy even if it meant letting me go. So I let him go also and to this day we have continued to respect each other by staying out of each others lives completely. Under those conditions, I am glad that he was not selfish. With that freedom I was able to eventually marry someone who at one time did love me equally. Well as you can see, I am here due to H's A so damage has been done to our M and it is currently in the repair mode. <p>Please read that book along with reading the basic concepts. I commend you for coming here. It is a big step. Right now you need to concentrate on your healing then you will be in a better position to determine how you can help your H. <p>Take Care,
L.

Hi,<p>Whatever you do, be very aware of the consequences. As a husband who has been betrayed, I can tell you that the feelings I had after I've discovered it were pretty much the worst that I ever had in my entire life. If you go down the road of an A, be aware how much you will hurt your H. <p>What are you missing - is it boredom? excitement of something new? some EN not fulfilled? maybe you want to have some 'honest' talks with H, or seeing a MC?<p>Different situation of course if H is drug addict, beats you/children, alcoholic or whatever. But that clearly doesn't seem to be the case, reading your mail.

Thank you so much for your warm welcome. I can see it will definately be a rough road ahead. <p>Twyla, yes I understand perfectly, I have put myself in Hs shoes which is why I feel I deserve whats coming to me. However, and this might not have any validity to the discussion, but OM and I never talked about our spouses, kids etc... never even seen a picture of them or he my family. He did meet them of course. At one time I did feel awfully guilty, feeling really bad for his W. Right now what scares me is the guilt comes and goes.... excitement? I don't really know and I believe finding out is part of this journey. I feel that maybe I need to figure out what the allure really is. I Know I loved this man very much when we dated in HS, he was the one I wanted to marry, actually we wanted to marry each other. I've thought of him over the years with great fondness and he me for the past 22 years. So, we've known each other since childhood, are from the same town, and have mutual friends........ <p>Nick123,
How did you find out? How are things going with you? What was it like? Or I'll read your story.. I'm sorry you probably have repeated so many times your story. But, I am afraid to tell him Nick, he dosn't deserve this. I've had many chances to back off completely, I can understand if I only saw om once, but a dozen? Stopped but got into contact again off and on for the past 2 year? H will be so hurt...... I think it will hurt me more than it will hurt him... how awful of a person I really am.... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] However, it seems the only way I can stay away from OM is to come clean... I can't live with it... I don't know when, but educating myself is what i need to do first. Thanks again...<p>Orchid,
Thank you so much for you kind words... I am really scared now mostly for H. He is the most wonderful man any woman could have. I have been asking myself whats wrong with me? I've never done anything like this before not even to my ex who as an alcoholic, addict, has even pushed me toward it.<p>Anyway, I will get the books and start reading... and keep reading here...... Thnaks again for your help......<p>MissJasmine<p>Me-38
H-36
OM-40
Married once -9 years
1 child - 11 years(not Hs biological son)
Ex- together 7 years<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: MissJasmine ]</p>

MissJasmine<p>You are starting in a good place. You do have to look at yourself. What does this OM do for you that your H does not? The answer to that you will find within yourself. <p>As for telling your H, I think you should. He cannot meet your needs and work to recover if he doesn't know there is a problem. You and he need to be on a level playing field, playing by the same rules. It will be hard on both of you. But MB is here for support.<p>Good Luck, Regretting

I just want to put my 2 cents in here. I'm not sure if I would tell your H how long this has been going on. If you have not had sex yet, please don't and stop seeing him ASAP. If you go to the website www.dearpeggy.com it has a tremendous amount of information which helped me the most. It will explain this feelings you have for the person and why. It is not reality based, it if a fantasy. <p>If there was no sex involved in my H's A, I would rather have not known. I feel I have been through h*ll and not quite back yet. The pain is undescribable. To have the person you love the most in the world, to ASSUME they would not do anything to hurt... do this I believe it is worst than death. I lost my dad when I was 17 and finding out my H had an A was 1000 times worst. Because my dad didn't choose to die, but my H chose to have a relationship with another women. You can read my story below if you like. It has been 3 months since I found out and the pain is still sharp as ever when I think about it. I think if you can spare your H this pain, you should. But again that is just my opinion. I do think you need to be honest with him and let him know you have feelings for the OP. And then do everything you can to focus your energy on your H instead the OP. Once you put this information out there it would be harder to carry on an A. Please go the the other website and learn as much as possible. And if you choose to tell him the whole thing be prepare for what may come...it may even be the end of your M.<p>Best wishes,<p>sty<p>My Story

MissJ:<p>You are involved in an intense EA right now. Please don't let this fact result in your diminishing your self-worth to the point that you give in to a PA because you don't feel valuable, or because you and your H have an argument sometime and you decide "might as well" or something like that. That's what my W did 11 years ago. I just found out 3 months ago, and I've been going through hell since. You simply need to break this R off with OM as soon as possible. Don't even discuss it with him. Just do it. It's yours and your H's business, nobody else's.<p>STY: "I just want to put my 2 cents in here. I'm not sure if I would tell your H how long this has been going on."<p>I think she should tell her H everything, including details if that's what he decides hee needs to know.<p>"If you have not had sex yet, please don't and stop seeing him ASAP."<p>Definitely! <p>"If there was no sex involved in my H's A, I would rather have not known. I feel I have been through h*ll and not quite back yet."<p>Don't forget that, for women, the emotional lure of the A is far more serious than the physical lure. Her H won't understand this at first, and will focus on whether there was sex or not. I did. But as I learned about EAs, I realized that my insisting that there be no sex and there'll be no A, resulted DIRECTLY in W's irrational thinking leading her to have sex with OM in the end. It was not rewarding, or so she says, but the pain and detachment from OM for her has been very intense for almost a year now, because the EA is so serious. Tell your H about it! <p>"I think if you can spare your H this pain, you should."<p>She can't. She's already hurt him. She'll hurt him more deeply and damage his trust and respect for her if she DOESN'T tell him and he finds out at some later date. That's what happened to me. <p>"I do think you need to be honest with him and let him know you have feelings for the OP. And then do everything you can to focus your energy on your H instead the OP."<p>This is true. But the honesty should be complete!<p>" And if you choose to tell him the whole thing be prepare for what may come...it may even be the end of your M."<p>It might, but remember that most As don't result in DV. The point is that her H has a right to make a choice on his own. He can't do that with incomplete information. If MissJ tells him everything, it will hurt, but he'll respect her more for telling him rather than having him find out about it later.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MissJasmine:
[QB]
Nick123,
How did you find out? How are things going with you? What was it like? Or I'll read your story.. I'm sorry you probably have repeated so many times your story. But, I am afraid to tell him Nick, he dosn't deserve this. I've had many chances to back off completely, I can understand if I only saw om once, but a dozen? Stopped but got into contact again off and on for the past 2 year? H will be so hurt...... I think it will hurt me more than it will hurt him... how awful of a person I really am.... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] However, it seems the only way I can stay away from OM is to come clean... I can't live with it... I don't know when, but educating myself is what i need to do first. Thanks again...
QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Hi,
During the A of my wife, I always had this nagging feeling that something wasn't the way it should be.... but couldn't put my finger on it. Maybe I was afraid to dig deeper? Anyway, at some point my suspicion became too big and I installed a piece of software on the PC which intercepts any keystrokes. Learned about a secret email account, its password and retreived 3 months worth of emails.... was very painful to read. Lesson learnt for you: even if you're careful, your feelings/confusion wont fool your H. if the A progresses there WILL be the day when he will find out.
The contacting OM thing: By pure coincidence, I'm giving up smoking, so I know a thing or two about addiction! when smoking, a smoker only sees the next cigarette which releives his cravings. What he doesn't see is the hundreds and hundreds of cigarettes further down the line which ultimately will kill him.... Lesson learnt for you: to see your OM one tiny bit one more time might make you feel good, appreciated for an evening. but what next, further down the line? think about it.<p>In your situation, as the A isn't in 'full swing' yet, not sure if it's wise to tell H. I would tend to keep it for yourself BUT at the same time really making an effort about stopping any contact with OM AND at the same time seriously adressing any relationship issues you might have with your H. of course, that includes letting your H know what YOU are missing and what YOUR needs are which he doesn't meet fully.<p>Good luck & take care,
Nick<p>ps- does your H know that he isn't the biological father of your son?<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</p>

MissJ,<p>I would like to offer you are strong reason to tell your H. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> We have tried desperately to break things off because we are both very happy with our spouses. We are both finding that our feelings are so strong that it is too difficult to let go. I'm at a point now in my life where I cannot hardly function. <hr></blockquote><p>You obviously cannot break this addiction without outside help. It may take your OM's W finding out and divorcing him, or your H finding out and leaving you. It may take many things, but you need outside help.<p>Well, the place it is strongly recommended that the help come from is YOUR H. He can and will help you break this addiction. It is really an addiction. Yes, your H will be hurt, yes there is a chance that you will lose your H. Yes, he may realize that an EA is as deadly to a marriage as a PA. Yes, he will need help. AND Yes, if you tell him rather than him finding out some other way, it will help him.<p>My recommendation is seek counseling and in that counseling explore two things: why you feel this way about OM, and how to tell your H. I would recommend a phone call to the counseling at this site since they experts at this stuff.<p>My next recommendation is to get two books: His Needs and Her Needs as well as Surviving an Affair, both by Harley. There are other good books but these two are the ones I am familiar with and the foundation for this site.<p>This is tough stuff MissJ and oddly enough the one person that can help you the most is the one you will hurt the most YOUR H. But, my bet is that he will help you, and your marriage can be made even better than it is.<p>Think about it, and then do something about this. <p>God Bless,<p>JL

Nick123 - I'm glad to see I was not the only one with that OPINION.<p>
2Long - Ouch, never said I was a doctor. I just was offering my opinion. She may feel better exposing the whole truth, but none of us know how the H is going to react. Is he going to believe there wasn't any sex? Usually men (I'm told) are more upset that the W had sex with another, where as women react more to the emotional part of the relationship. Regardless, we do not know what he will do.<p>MissJ - What I wrote is just my opinion and I can't say whether it is right or wrong for you. I feel if you tell H the whole think, he might find it hard to believe that for 2 years you never had sex with the OP, which might open a big can of beans.<p>sty

MissJ,
You will find that ending your EA with your friend will probably be the hardest thing you ever have had to do, or do in your life. I know, bc I am very recently out of an EA that lasted 2 years. I fell totally and completely in love with the OM...but thankfully, I never fell out of love with my H. I've been married 21 years and have 2 teenage sons 14 & 16. Our EA's are fantasy. We know they are, yet we seem unable to really accept that. We feel such a struggle between heart and mind. If you want to email me. Feel free to:
Ashirley1@hotmail.com. You and the OM both need to be really strong and move on. It's so hard...so please let me know when you're having a moment of weakness and want to contact the OM....You can lean on me. So can anyone else that wants a sympathetic ear. We need to help and support each other.

STY:<p>"2Long - Ouch, never said I was a doctor."<p>Me neither. Well, I am, but I'm only a poor, humble country scientist lost in the big city! I'm certainly not a therapist. I think we all have something to offer here, but particularly if we all recognize our limits. The value of this forum is that it's like a group session that's on 24/7, when C sessions are only an hour long and once a week (or much worse!). I didn't mean any offense, and I won't take any either ;o)<p>"She may feel better exposing the whole truth, but none of us know how the H is going to react."<p>No, we don't. But he has a right to know what he's dealing with, and to respond (I like that word better than react, here) how he sees fit. I'll bet MissJ will be pleasantly surprised.<p>"Is he going to believe there wasn't any sex?"<p>If he's anything like me, he'll want more than anything to believe EVERYTHING MissJ tells him, even if it's not true. All the more reason to tell ALL the truth, rather than mete it out to him over a period of time. My W did that with me, and it's made it harder to rebuild my trust in her. I keep wondering... Okay, when's the next bomb going to go off?<p>"Usually men (I'm told) are more upset that the W had sex with another, where as women react more to the emotional part of the relationship."<p>This is true, too. I fell apart when I heard that they had had sex. Then, as I learned more about As in general, I realized that the EA was more insidious than the PA for my W (and women in general), and have verified that through interacting with her and seeing just how reluctant she is to let OM go, even though she thinks she ended the EA last November.<p>"Regardless, we do not know what he will do."<p>But he deserves the opportunity to do whatever he thinks is right based on complete knowledge of the facts of the matter. -just my opinion. <p>MissJ, STY: All the best!

Thank you guys once again....I appreciate all avenues and takes on this. Besides you have all been there and did whatever it took to handle your siutation. Telling my H has been something i thought about doing, only so that I can have the strength to leave OM alone. I know in my heart and head that it will never amount to anything. I realize that, its just the letting go part; I don't understand why its so hard even though so much is at risk. Addiction? Well, I think its partly true, but I also think that there is a bond that we shared as kids a frienship if you will or longing as he puts it that has manifested over the last 22 years into this. I don't expect anyone to understand that part of it, the point is as I've read is it dosn't matter beatiful or not; bottom line is my family and not wanting to lose them. I want to learn what I need to do to keep them. Honesty? Yes, H and I have always been hones with each other, even admitting to having an eye for someone else at one time. This is a need I need to work on and to tell or not to tell? Well, I'm still trying to figure myself out. With this situation, the circumstances don't seem to matter, it is an EA. Understanding and accepting that this man is hurting me is very difficult, even at the risk of my family. Addiciton? They say, addiction dosn't care who's involved just focusing on the next fix.... I think I might fit this one too. If I do tell H, I think and know in my heart he would help, I seriously would like to believe that, but with type of situation, I think people are unpredictable thats why I'm scared. He'll be extremely upset, confused and hurt....(I would be thats for sure) and yes, its a risk as I don't really know what he'd do. LIke I said I like to think we can work this out... but... don't know. I can't go back and regret what I've done, but to keep going will cause further damage is one I agree with. But, on the other hand, Nick you and STY have valid points and I'm swaying more in that direction too. I forgot about an EA and the effects, I believe it describes my situation. Also Nick, my son was 1 1/2 years old when my H and I met, I was a single mom at the time.... Meeting my Hs needs and he mine? I will start working on that. As a matter a fact, I think the reason I'm here is because H has been more attentive to my needs, has surprised in many ways to meeting them as a result.... guilt
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] A sure natural stimulant for my wayward feelings. Thanks again...... will keep reading!!<p>MissJ<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: MissJasmine ]</p>

I'll keep you in my thoughts.<p>I hope everything works out for the best and good luck.<p>Keep uposting it helps.<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>sty

Miss J.,
I love my H and didn't (don't) want a divorce, but my feelings for the OM were so strong, (I thought about him 24 hours a day for 2 years!) even though it was an EA, (we never touched) I didn't think I could live the rest of my life not knowing if the OM and I was even an option. (He had said that he was committed, but I didn't believe him.) I had to know whether or not he thought we had any chance. I asked him point blank, if he thought we had any chance.. I am embarassed to admit, but only then, could I turn my attention back to my H and my marriage. <p>In my heart of hearts, I don't think I would have been able to actually leave my H and kids for this man, or any other man. My H and I get along great and we adore each other and I really don't think I could have followed through. But I needed to know if it was an option, before I could bring closure to the EA. <p>So perhaps you need to find out if being with the OM is even possible...when push comes to shove...it might not really even be an option.

Dear MissJasmine,<p>I am glad that you have come to MB to help you decide how to do what is best for your family.<p>By not cutting off your realtionship with this OM, you may be ruining the lives of your H and D but YOUR life as well.<p>One year ago this month my DIL moved to another state to be near the OM, her former HS love. Twelve months later, she is alone, miserable, unable to cope with 3 1/2 year-old son, up to her ears in debt, and on the verge of emotional collapse. Her life is in shambles, her little boy is suffering from the turmoil, my son's life has been shattered.<p>Are you willing to risk doing this to your family?
Whatis the moral decision to make? Please be strong and do the right thing. Keep posting and <p>Take care,
Estes

ashirley:<p>"I had to know whether or not he thought we had any chance. I asked him point blank, if he thought we had any chance.. I am embarassed to admit, but only then, could I turn my attention back to my H and my marriage. "<p>What was the answer? Presumably "no." But what if the answer had been yes? Where would you be now?<p>My W "asked" this in her last, offensive (to me) email to OM on my birthday last month. She said "you know what I would give to be your companion, but you haven't taken me up on that offer." Thankfully (or otherwise) he responded to this and many other such messages with a comment about fondling her! He's ignored nearly all emails to her since November that ask him if he can just be "friends." <p>The real danger in all of these kinds of efforts to conclude the A to both the WS's and OP's satisfaction, is that they simply don't conclude the A - they seem instead to perpetuate it.

2long,
The answer was essentially no, we didn't have a chance, because we were both in were both in committed relationships.<p>If he had said yes, that he thought we had a chance, it would have ruined my life. I don't think I would have been able to follow through, my committment to my H and family are just too great...plus I love and enjoy my H...I don't/didn't have a reason to leave. So, I would have been miserable knowing that I could possibly spend the rest of my life with this fantasy man. I know that if I had given it a chance, I would have been miserable. I would have never been able to be happy and enjoy my new love, knowing that I had in do so, ruined the lives of the people I love the most. <p>I'm just so glad that I did find out that we didn't have a chance, I needed it to be verbalized, and now I can move on.

ashirley:<p>Good for you! <p>warmest regards,