I have been lurking here for awhile but decided to post because I need advice. My WH had an affair last fall & left to live with her for a few days but came home to work on marriage. (Now says it was because it was the right thing to do, not because he was unhappy with her.)He noticed positive changes we started seeing MC and he said he was committed to working on our marriage.
Well turns out affair never ended they just got sneakier. When I confronted after finding out he agreed to end all contact. That didn't last long and soon found out it was still going on. I told him he had to make a decision I could not ive like this (now 6 months into good plan A)
He did end it and told her he was committed to working on our marriage. We went away for a 10 day family vacation and had a wonderful time.
Of course once he went back to work the panic button went off again although he assured me he would not see her. Guess what he could not stay way from her. Told me the other night he had not just been work friends with her but had initial affair with her years ago that lasted 2-3 years. OUCH!!!!!
He said he couln't stay away from her so decide to move back in with her. He said he loved me but din't feel the passion anymore. He said he tried but it wasn't there. How could it be with her still in picture. He said he was miserable without her I tried to explain it was withdrawl but said it was me he wasn't happy with.
What now??? I feel horrible. I love him one minute and hate him the next. I have been short with him when he calls for daughter but don't know if I should be in Plan A or Plan B?
Please help I'm so confused.<p>[ April 20, 2002: Message edited by: keeping faith ]</p>

It all depends on whether you feel you've done a good Plan A and long enough. If so, then Plan B. If you've done a lot of recent LB-ing, then you may want to do a short time of re-establishing the Plan A impression you want to leave him with before you go to Plan B.<p>But be sure it is a COMPLETE Plan B with NO CONTACT. He's been eating cake for an awfully long time, sounds like, so for your own sake as well as any potential impact on him, you need to put in place whatever you need to do assure NO CONTACT with him in Plan B. Every time you hear his voice or see him, it will undermine your personal recovery efforts and cause pain.<p>How you handle visitation issues will depend a lot on your daughter's age, but do whatever you can to eliminate contact between your H and you. Get a 3rd party to help with that if you have to. Have your daughter call her father instead of him calling, so you are not exposed to the possibility of hearing his voice on the phone or getting sucked in to conversation with him.<p>Before it ever comes up, be sure to have your marital recovery plan in mind in case he asks to reconcile, and do not do so without full agreement and commitment to the plan. And a major part of that plan should be NO CONTACT with the OW. If they work together, then he needs to have a different job before you can work on your future together. Things like that should be non-negotiable because it has already been proven multiple times that working with her makes marital recovery impossible.<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Thank you Conquerer. I don't think I am ready for plan b as we have yet to discuss visitation, finances etc. Also,I have not read enough about it cause I though Plan A was working.
My only hope is that now living together they get to see it is not that great after all. I know I need a plan should he ask to come back but I'm not sure I want him back now. My mind just goes in a million different directions when I think about it.
I still can't beleive one day he was totally commited to Us then the next day he moves out and lives with her. I feel big fight coming when he wants daughter to stay overnight with them in her house. It just makes me want to throw up. Especially since she just saw her father kissing and be loving towards me. I told her he just left for awhile to sort out some problems. I can't bear to tell her the rest. She is 12.
Will this nightmare end?

Unfortunately, it will probably be nightmarish for a while. With your daughter being 12, though it is not good to dump too much responsibility on her, it is okay for her to have some say in her visitation and custody issues. Courts will usually recognize a child's voice at that age. I would leave the choices of her interaction with her father up to her to the point that it doesn't interfere with her best interest. Let her know you will support her in finding her comfort level in the situation.<p>Unfortunately, she is at an age where she needs her father the most, a STRONG father, not a morally bankrupt father. Very sad. The #1 component in an adolescent girl's life for avoiding promiscuity and other destructive behaviors is an involved father. How awful that he's setting the example he is. Been there myself, so I know how agonizing it is for both mother and daughter.<p>Probably your best approach at this point is the steel over velvet approach--pleasant and friendly, but rock-solid underneath when it comes to protecting yourself and your child. And the sooner you can go to no-contact for your own comfort, the better. It will also have the secondary effect of eliminating one of the two people who have been meeting his needs for so long. It will be up to the OW to compensate, and usually the pressure is too much for such a fragile R to withstand.<p>It is usually inevitable in such cases for the WS to at some point try to bargain their way back into the BS's life so that the needs being met by the BS can be met again. So it's really important to know your boundaries and the criteria for any future together and to be solid in your position before that happens.<p>It is normal to have racing thoughts and conflicting feelings at this point. Don't be overly concerned about it. Just focus in on the life you want to live, and it will eventually become clear whether he should be a part of it or not, and most of that will depend on his choices and when he makes them, and you have no control over that. You don't have the information you need right now to decide specifically about him except for what he is currently offering which is either nothing or something unacceptable, so no sweat on that.<p>But you can decide how you want to live. If, in the future, he can fit into that life, then that will be clear when the time comes, so try to stay in the present and plan a future that is good and sustainable whether he ends up being a part of it or not.

Dear keeping faith,<p>I am sorry that your circumstances have made it necessary to seek out MB. However, there is so much support you can find here. Please keep coming here as you work through your decisions.<p>Part of your post struck me:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I still can't beleive one day he was totally commited to Us then the next day he moves out and lives with her. I feel big fight coming when he wants daughter to stay overnight with them in her house. <hr></blockquote><p>His long term A with this woman makes it plain that he has not been "totally commited to Us" for a long, long time. I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do, but he can't have an OW and be totally committed to his M. You can't be a long-term adulterer and a totally committed H at the same time. It will be a long time before he has proven he deserves your trust.<p>Secondly, while you are still married, you probably can get a court order that prohibits your H from having your D overnight with OW. Can you see a family law attorney next week? He/she can help you protect yours and your D's interests.
As a teacher of 12-14 year-olds, I would recommend fighting tooth and nail to keep D out of that house. She is extremely vulnerable at this age. She will likely hate her father (and OW) for what he is doing to her and you, yet at the same time feel guilty for being angry with her dad. You are her security blanket right now. Don't let her go there.<p>For now, be very skeptical about what your H tells you. Protect yourself and your D. Keep posting your situation. We care.<p>Estes<p>[ April 19, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

Thank you for all your help. After rereading what I wrote about my situation last night I still can't believe this is my life.
I realize now that he was not committed to the marriage he just kept saying so along with how much he loved me and our family. I kept thinking if I just kept up my plan A he would eventually see the light.
I am still in shock at the recent news of his affair with this women years ago that he gas been friends with. He told me she ended it after he lost is job around 5 years ago. She was also married at the time but since divorced. I remember how our marriage seemed to get alot better then but I thought it was because he was overworked and losing that job was the reason for his renewed interest in our relationship.
Fast forward to last year he still is friends with her, they occasionally are in contact, he says he used to still think of her alot.He purses her again last fall when he says he felt he was unhappy in our marriage. I think he never got over the addiction and the fact that she dumped him.
I have been reading all the success stories here and felt our situation at the time was not that bad and felt hopeful. Of course I did not know about his torch for her and the continued affair.
I just can't figure out why he went to marriage counselling and acted like he as in love with me.
He was very affectionate and caring not mean like the other stories I've read. I guess that was so he could say he tried.
I am so concerned about my daughter. I had hoped we could raise her in a morally stable environment with 2 loving parents. If she visits him at her house not only is he setting a poor example but undermining all the things she is learing about right and wrong. In addition this woman has a teenage son that lives with her and that scares me too.
Thank you for letting me ramble I know this place will provide me with a source of comfort for some time to come.

Anyone else have any thoughts or advice about my situation. All comments are welcome. I feel like such a fool after reading my own posts. You think you know someone and believe and trust in them. I feel like our marriage has been such a lie. My husband was always home on weekends and rarely went out after work unless it was an occasion. We were the perfect little family. Everyone is going to be shocked and I don't have the guts to tell them. I just don't understand how all this could happen. I feel like it is a bad dream and I will wake up tommorrow and it will be just that. Wishful thinking I know. Thanks for listening.

Bump

<<I feel like such a fool after reading my own posts. You think you know someone and believe and trust in them. I feel like our marriage has been such a lie. My husband was always home on weekends and rarely went out after work unless it was an occasion. We were the perfect little family.>><p>Faith, just wanted to you know I was thinking about you. My WH was also so loving, committed - did all of the things husbands are supposed to do. Flowers, gifts, cards, hugs, "I love you" ten times a day, calls to the office. Somehow, it makes it even harder to know he was racing home from work every day to spend an hour or so with OW online. I just can't comprehend *how* he could be that way to my face, knowing all the time what he was doing. I said in another post I understand why, but not how. We'll be working on that next, because I have to get to an understanding before I accept.<p>I have so much empathy for your situation, which is really dreadful. For me, WH says he is absolutely committed to rebuilding the marriage, and the trust - the love is still there. And so far, things look very very promising. It's hard to get past the "but it looked good before, too" line of thought.<p>Tough dealing with a 12 y.o. also. I have two daughters, now 9.5 and 14. They are old enough to understand most of what's going on, without being mature enough to forgive. This will be so hard on her, and make you want to hurt him even more (just for the record, always a negative thing to badmouth dad to her though!)<p>I have always maintained a positive attitude towards my exH's girlfriend, and it's paid off in spades with how my daughters have arrived at their own conclusions.

Thanks KS41. I have only said positive things of my WH in front of my daughter so far. If he wants her to meet OW I don't know if i can keep up the front. Do your daughters know everything? I don't want to tell her much yet. Just dad needs some time away to sort out some problems. How did you WH's affair end? Nice to hear you are in recovery. I don't know if I could ever trust him again.

<<Do your daughters know everything? I don't want to tell her much yet. Just dad needs some time away to sort out some problems. How did you WH's affair end? Nice to hear you are in recovery. I don't know if I could ever trust him again. >><p>Daughters know nothing about WH's affairs - my comments were regarding the breakup of my first marriage, where there was no infidelity.<p>WH's affair(s) ended when I found out about it, and he felt guilty and ashamed and wanted to make everything all right again.<p>Will I ever trust him again? I don't believe I will ever trust him completely. Enough to have a satisfying relationship and marriage? I am hoping so.