As a WS who has had no communication with my W for going on 2 weeks, I was startled to learn that W has checked into book by James Dobson, called LOve must Be Tough, and am praying that this book is not going to make her feel like going for D, after what we have been through. I read some reviews and it seems that the book is pro M. Maybe it is wishful thinking that she could be considering a reconcilliation, I will continue to pray for her every day and night that I feel the urge to for the Lord to soften her heart before it is too late. I will continue to be patient after all that I have done to create this chaos. I still love her and pray that we can talk soon, but I will not forget what I did, and that was to have an A with a woman off of the internet no less and she found out the week after it happened. Wow, it was very obvious looking back that I gave her everything that she needed to be curious why I was having problems being intimate and really to be honest being a H. I pray that we will talk soon and I will answer every question that she has, if that should happen.

Hi,<p>Yes, you should be encouraged by your BW reading that book... even if she read the stuff on the jacket or skimmed it, her interest does show promise! All I can say is try to focus on yourself, and on your W - when she allows it! Good luck!

Needing advice, good for you for being ready to face up to W. Honesty is key for your M to heal now.<p>Your W will need to see genuine change in your behaviour. <p>As a recovering WS myself, just want to encourage you to be gentle on yourself--forgive yourself for your mistake and choose to move forward now. Perhaps you have a brand new chance to start over and have a stronger M than you ever believed possible. <p>Hope the book will help your W (it is an excellent book)--have you read it yourself? It might help you to see what you can do to improve your relationship.<p>All the best to you.

It is hard for my W to see changes in me when we do not communicate, I have not read the book yet but plan to as soon as I can get to a bookstore. I pray that the book could help to soften her heart and we could communicate so that I can anwer her questions. I wonder as my W sees that I am moving forward if that would push her further away, but then again how could she be any further away than right now, I guess if she were with another man. I am trying not to feel hopeless, and knowing that she might be reading that book, gives me a glimmer of hope for M. I will continue to pray for her everyday and night for the Lord to soften her heart. I Love her so much! Keep praying for us.

{{{needing advice}}}<p>Check out...<p>Readers of "Love Must be Tough" - Please Reply...Roll Me Away....12/1/1999
and the more recent...
Tough Love...Petvet....11/14/2001<p>...both (few of many) found on the Notable Posts/Threads!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

Thanks NSR!!!!!!

Hi NA,<p>I have been trying to keep up with your story. For most of us, the BS resorts to that book because the WS is being fogheaded and using plan A against the family. I don't see that in your case, so my suggestion is to read that book so that your W does not try to make you appear that way. <p>It is a good book, it gives other options to help plan B work smarter. It is necessary when the WS is NOT cooperating and the boundaries need to be set in order to protect the family. <p>Anyway, you have been given some good support. I wish you well on your research. <p>L.

I read the book a few years ago, before I left my ex-h. What I recall is that Dodson says at infidelity is the most disrespectful thing that a spouse can do. And for that reason divorcing them is the best response.<p>He also gives the biblical quote that he feels backs up divorce in the case of infidelity and other acts (such as abuse).<p>The book is very pro-marriage but does not suggest that a spouse tolerate any b.s. <p>Actually, it was that book and several discussions I had with my priest that made me feel that I could divorce my ex-h with a clear conscience. My priest told me that with what was going on, I really did not have a marriage. Therefore a divorce and a dispensation were probably the best road I could take.<p>Reading it would probably help you as you will get some insight into what she is thinking.

needing advice,<p>This is a great book - one you should probably read, too. I think it dovetails nicely with the work of the Harley's. The premise is that you can not make a person stay in a marriage with you. You must give them a reason to WANT to stay in a marriage with you (Plan A). If you are being a good partner (doing a good Plan A) and your spouse wants to continue in an affair or other undesirable behavior, then plan B is required. In terms of Love must be Tough, Plan B is opening the cage door - releasing your spouse from the marriage and setting appropriate boundaries that require respect and monogamy for a continued relationship. See? These are things to enhance any and all relationships, whether you are a BS or a WS. You could likely benefit from reading this book yourself.<p>You sound repentent and remorseful. Your W has been hurt and is likely distrustful of you. You have to give her a REASON to want to stay married to you. Plan A her; woo her back. She has to see something and someone of value to come back to.<p>Best of luck, Desiree

Thank you, all for all of the opinions, I cannot wait to read the book that is what I will be doing tomorrow afternoon. I was laid off of my job on Friday and it makes me feel like I will lose ground with her because she will look at me as loser. I work in telecom and am very good at what I do so I know I will be working shortly. I played with the kids choir today, that was something that she never wanted me to do because of the fact that she was jealous of the director that I might be attracted to her, and honestly before A, maybe so, but now all I want to do is play for the Lord and the reason I am playing now is because I was asked by the Pastor and she knows the circumstances that led up to him asking me because they had a bass player but let him go and needed me to step in until someone else is brought in, but deep down I feel like she thinks that I am doing to try to get back at her and that is not true at all. I told the Pastor that I am doing it now simply because I have the time, with no family at home, I would rather be in the house of the Lord and doing something for his praise than sitting at home wondering what she is doing and who she is with. I am playing with all the choirs right now and that takes up a huge amount of my free time, that is until I was laid off on Friday. I still love her, I saw her today briefly at church, my son said that he spoke to her and that she spoke back so I guess today is a good day!

I think that my W is seeing someone, I dont have proof yet, but just the fact that she would not respond to my email that I had some mail for her and she did not respond to me, and that was the second time last week that she did not respond to an email at all. I know I must get on with my life and not worry about what she is doing, but this is truly consuming me that I cannot talk to her, but I will continue to pray for her that one we talk even if she decides to go ahead with the D. It would be nice to D as friends, I love her and know that I did a horrible thing to her.

Hi NA,<p>I loved the book, but I do agree there wasn&#8217;t much on meeting EN&#8217;s. I view it as another source to go along with MB stuff. It is pro-marriage in my view, so it is good that your W is using it as a source of help. However, it doesn&#8217;t really apply much to your situation, since you are repentant and wanting to reconcile.<p>The one thing I think Dr. D hit on the head is &#8220;Opening the Cage&#8221;. We must understand that we cannot make somebody love or want us. They must be allowed to freely choose. This means we must accept that our spouse may choose walk away. The problem for me was I was smothering my WW trying to drag her back into loving me and staying in our marriage. It was doing exactly what Dr D said, pushing her away.<p>I know you&#8217;re on the opposite end of this, but the same principle applies. Give her space to choose, otherwise you may push her away. Be loving, caring, supportive (where you can), and most of all be patient. You cannot force her forgiveness. I doubt she seeing somebody this fast, as you stated in your last post. I think she&#8217;s hurt and mad as h*ll right now. She needs time to work this out. If you&#8217;re truly sorry, she will see this and there is a good chance you guys will work this out.<p>Take Care,
L&F

Thanks a lot!