I recently stumbled onto this site, after visiting another one. <p>I have a question that some may deem a strange sitatuation....but I am learning that most situations are not as strange as we think. <p>I don't have all of the acronyms down yet....so please bear with me. <p>I am the WS - having had an affair with my high school sweetheart. My H and I had been married for 12 years when I began seeing him. Of course part of me was completely caught up in all of the emotion and having my emotional needs met that hadn't been during my marriage. Another part of me felt immense guilt about what I had done that I rather quickly divorced my H, b/c I did not feel worthy to be his W. I am still in shock that I did what I did. <p>I ended up moving away from my now ex-H with the OM, taking our three children with me (I thought running away was the answer). We are a 4 hour car ride away from him now. I knew this was wrong and that I was making a monumental mistake and I did it anyway. We have been divorced now for just over a year. A couple of months ago, my ex gave me a box of pictures (we had agreed to divide them up). I sat down one night looking at them and could not stop crying. I had vascilated between ex-H and OM several times during this first year of our divorce (mentally - w/o verbally indicating to either ex-H or OM). I think at this point, the fog completely lifted. I missed my family. I missed him. I missed what I had thrown away. <p>It took me almost three months after this to have the brains to leave the OM (who, gee, big surprise, was not all I thought he was). So, the children and I have moved out and are in this new city by ourselves, he moved back to his home state and I told my ex how I was feeling, that I wanted to reconcile if possible, etc. I have completely cut off all contact with OM - he does not know where I live nor does he know my phone #.<p>About a month before I moved out and talked to my ex about this, he began dating someone (the first since we divorced). He is considering us reconciling, but is torn now between restoring our family and this new woman in his life (whom he has been dating for about two months now). <p>I am not angry that he is dating her. I know that he has every right - we are no longer married and there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. I know that reconciliation is not something I can demand or expect. I made the decision to have an A and to divorce him. <p>I feel as though the dynamics have completely reversed. I have been reading "Surviving An Affair" and recently read about Plan A/Plan B. I feel, even though I was the WS, that I now should implement some type of Plan A/Plan B as I wait for him to make his decision. (please do not misunderstand...I do realize he is not having an A - that is not what I am implying by suggesting I implement Plan A/B).<p>So....after all of that explanation....is my conclusion correct? Should I patiently wait and be very careful not be angry (or make him angry), have outbursts, make no demands, etc. and have a time frame in mind? and then move on to plan B?<p>Or am I completely mistaken???? I do hope that you do not misread my tone in this post. I am very sincere. I want reconcilitation and am willing to wait and do whatever it takes. I recognize what I have done and the amount of pain I have caused in my family by my selfishness and am truly sorry.<p>Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

NC, I really wish I had something constructive to say to you but I'm not great at giving advice. I just wanted to let you know, this is a great place and I'm sure there'll be others along that are wiser than me but it may take awhile as it's the weekend. So hang in there!! One really good thing....I feel strongly that relationships have a much better chance of thriving when people use the MB principles right off the bat rather than waing for trouble. If you and your X manage to reconcile, that's where you'll be.....at the beginning of a new relationship.

NC I extend my deepest regrets to you, your children, and xH for going thru this sad situation.<p>Your remorsefulness at what you did and the awareness that the A with OM and dv were not the answers to your unfulfilled needs. This goes a long way in helping you, your kids, and xH heal from the hurt.<p>If you and your xH decide to reconcile, don't expect your xH to suddenly fulfill your neglected ENs for quite a long while. Read some of the people going thru recovery, WS and BS alike, and you'll see that is a very long and hard climb to a happy M. There are a lot of episodes where 'triggers' bring back the horrors of the past for the BS and the terrible guilt for the WS.<p>Since you seem to be very well versed with MB principles, you might want to share them with your xH. If he becomes committed like you in following them, then you'll both have a solid foundation for achieving total marital recovery.<p>In the meantime I would suggest that you do some deep soul searching and find out exactly what emotional needs the OM was satisfying that your xH was not. This is extremely important because once you know exactly what those ENs are, then you can tell your xH what they are and how to possibly satisfy them.<p>Good luck, God bless, and keep us posted.<p>Joe

Hey NC20505,<p>Wow! You sound a like my xW a little! Just kidding, similiar stories, not identical. My xW didn't have custody so she never moved.<p>I'm not good at giving advice but I will encourage you to try and rebuild your relationship with you xH and your family. I know it's possible, look at my signature lines at the bottom of my reply to see that I do have a little experience in this.<p>You love your xH, and in my opinion he still loves you, it would almost be impossible for him not to. You guys were married for 14 years, you have 3 children... you have a strong history. And when there's that much history and love, it is very possible. Maybe he's moved on and doesn't want to risk it again, it probably scares him(I know it did me). But I definetly hope that you two can find a way.<p>I know taking the chance has been worth it for me. We've been in recovery since Jan and everyday I am more encouraged about our chances of being completely healed. We have a long way to go, it has been a very short time, but things are better than I ever thought possible at this point. I have to give a lot of credit to my xW. She has been so patient and understanding with me and my triggers and bad memories. She's there for me and wants to put in whatever effort needed to help me feel safe. <p>Also, I must add this... I was dating at the time when my xW and I started things up again. I really liked this girl I was dating. She was wonderful to me, met every need, she was really a giver. But it was still so soon after the divorce that it was mistake(I ended up hurting her), I still had strong feelings for my xW. She really didn't have a chance, my xW was going out of her way to prove herself.<p>I'm putting a link up to a short summary of how things happened.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=015198<p>I really hope he gives you a chance, you sound very sincere and remorseful. <p>Good luck!