Re: Terri's mom telling H's parents. It might have been ornery if not sarcastic, but I was thinking the mom would enjoy being so important and the H wouldn't be able to blame Terri and he's using Terri's mom to pass info to Terri, so I doubt he'd burn that bridge with Terri's mom.<p>Yeah, I get a little Machavellian (sp?) sometimes.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>
Yeah, I get a little Machavellian (sp?) sometimes.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I understand! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
With all that Terri has been through, I have great empaphy & would enjoy some "Pay Back" in a way.
I am do not recall, Terri, do you talk with the In-Laws very much? Do I rmemeber correctly that you are supposed to go along with the idea with them that that their son has moved out because you are not capatable or something like that? It seems another indication of "control" & abuse. He treats you like dirt & then wants you to cover up for him to have him save face with Parents -- seems like a recepeit for disaster to me?! I honestly don't see how this environment is good for your D -- seems to set the stage for some misplaced anger & resentment towards you & could show with D's visits to grandParents. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
Again, Prayers are with you!
HH

"Strangly enough, after the show down he becomes passive. Almost regretful".<p>This is not strange for an abuser, this is the CYCLE. This is part of an everyday certified abusive man's behaivor. Don't be charmed by it.Don't be charmed by it.<p>You have the best of the board at YOUR beck and call. T, either you truly don't see it or you LIKE the attention.<p>Please get help, everyone HERE cares!<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: gottruth? ]<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: gottruth? ]</p>

T-<p>If I am following your situation correctly, it looks like things keep getting worse and worse. You have made some tremendous strides in becoming a stronger woman and have gotten to the point where you can stand on your own 2 feet and be able to live your life on your own terms. But, your H seems to be falling deeper and deeper into the depths of despair and is taking all his frustration, insecurities and anger out on you.<p>To me, your situation is becoming alarmingly dangerous. Look at all your past posts and see what kind of person your H has become. He is not a man in my book, he has become someone to be fearful of.<p>I think you need to ask your self 2 questions right now:<p>1- is what I have really considered a marriage?
2- is this 'man' someone I feel comfortable around, or is he someone I should be concerned about?<p>I think you need to really start looking into the possibility of filing seperation papers and taking some serious legal actions against your H (restraining order or something like that). You need some legal protection from him, he can not be able to have free access to you and your life, which he does right now. Take some real control over what he is doing to you.<p>T- please, please, please, take some time to really consider what is going on here, look at what everyone is telling you, look at how your H is acting. Yes, you do love your H, but do you love the person he has become? If not for you, do it for your D.

Terri,<p>Are you doing OK?
I hope you are not overwhelmed by all of our cautions and warnings about your H.<p>I can imagine that this whole thing must have you in a tissy & perhaps makes you very unsure as to what is the best course of action. Perhaps you wonder what other people in the community will say. I know I think about those things.
In the final analysis, you have to think about what is best for you. Your H may be taking advantage of your feelings about not going public with certain things. I remember he was saying "Let's waite until after Thanksgiving, then Christmas before telling anyone." Filing for D is perhaps an extension of this concept -- filing for a restraining order is the same thing --
Please do not be fooled by his seemingly remorseful attittude or from my perspective, his denial attitude about his abuse towards you. This is a common pattern of abuser's.
You are a very forgiving and compassionate person and for that you should be proud as we need more people with these characteristics and it is a testiment to our faith. There is however, IMHO no legimate faith that teaches that we should subject ourselves to abuse & our higher power is looking over us & our higher power wants us to follow his direction & his direction may be coming to you in a different form than you expect.
I was told just yesterday that there is a verse in the bible that reads something like this: The sins of darkness must be brought to light.<p>I believe that your actions to protect yourself & your D would not be considered selfish or vendictive -- For sure, Not by our Higher Power. <p>My Prayers are with you,
HH

T, I am sorry that the situation is getting worse. Do please be careful and protect you.<p>When I see things getting worse , it is as if I get more desperate to FIX THINGS and my desperation makes things worse.<p>I know plan a worked for me... some... plan b is taken as war by my h... and seems to be by yours... both our immature men do drag us down...<p>YES, we both want what we used to HAVE... and <p>I think with GOd's help and lots of work... including that on our husbands parts it is possible. It is.<p>I know this. If you start believing it is over, it will be... it is sad.<p>Maybe we both need a session with the harley's<p>The destruction of a family is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through in my entire life. I know my H used to love me more than life itself... or so he sd and ACTED.<p>Things have gone from bad to worse... <p>I know all this harshness hurts that you are getting here.. I am almost in tears as I see the harshness in the posts to you. Please try getting the emotionally abused woman book... that book helped me see how bad it really is...a nd validated...w ord for word...a ll the things that my h does to abuse me...<p>but we too, have boughts of normal couple talk...and the sexual energy is ever present between us. The hurt is somehow not able to be healed, not by us fixers anyway... our h's have to want a healing... and yes... it they do not... we do have to move on.<p>No begging, crying, game playing fit or episode... or even our perfect adherence to plan a or b... etc. can make our h's want to be good to us. I am so sorry. <p>I know how badly you want your family for both you and your little girl. She loves her daddy and so do you, it is so evident....<p>I know I am not quite over being physically abused and even some emotional as a child... sad, but true. I am working on it.<p>I just want you to know... I care, and I am sorry... I think stepping back might be good for a while... email me sometime at lbarfield@houston.rr.com Maybe we can help each other.<p>Also I wanted you to know that I have the radio shack recorder... I have had trouble with getting it going right... but I own it, and need to use it... I bought it months agao... when he was very verball... but I would say even without permission... permission is best... if you do need it legally... maybe even ask radio shack what the rules are... tx says you have to give notification... so anyway... I have told my h he is being recorded.. but anyway... <p>I have trouble with the machine but it is me... not the machine..it cost me $100 at a radio shack discount place... I am going to work on connecting mine tonight<p>Time to protect us again.. ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugs to you, you are brave to post the truth about what is happening here... take what you like and leave the rest. I know the phys. stuff makes it much worse... but if you have childhood issues..that is part of it... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Me too [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Prayers and hugs... please take care of you, I am not at all saying any advice is bad, good, etc... but I just hope you don't end up feeling unsafe here... as I do at times... that I get the harshest responses.<p>Hugs, H [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Could some more experienced MBer please post exactly what the Harleys' position is on Plan A/ Plan B when domestic violence and physical abuse have occurred?<p>Terrified, I am sure you are still reading here even if you're not posting at the moment. Please understand that we are trying to help you.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm okay and I thank each and every one of you for your words of encouragement and support, no matter how harsh.<p>I'm overwhelmed by your responses. I can't really react to any of it right now. <p>I have to make a decision. I have to accept who my H is today.

Someone asked for some info on what Dr. Harley has to say on domestic violence. The link below is to one of three letters written to him and his answer. I'm sure you can get to the other two as they have important info about angry outbursts but this one deals specifically with violence.<p>Terri, my prayers are with you. Throwing you on the floor is just unacceptable in every way shape and form.<p>Anyway..I hope the link works <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5022c_qa.html

The link works ... thanks! READ the link Terri ... please.<p>P [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank-you for the link to the letters. I've read them all. <p>I really feel that my H's actions can be classified as an angry outburst. Before any of you react to this, please understand that I will not ignore any future actions that are physical. For now, I will continue to believe in the underlying "good" of my H. <p>Maybe I'm wrong. I hope that I'm not.

{{{{{{{{{Terrified}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Feeling a lot of concern for you.

T --
"The misapplication of Plan A" post has made it to the front page.<p>Would you please take a quick look at it?

Thanks Lor, for your concern. I'm okay. Really.<p>Hi Lex, I've read the thread. Good stuff. I get what you're saying. I just have to be prepared to be consistent when I even attempt any Plan B effort. <p>Thanks for your support.

Hi T, My heart goes out to you- you are strong and you have a lot on you. Pray, take care of you - that never fails in times of stress.... take mmore care of you and you will get better.<p>You can take this slow, fast or however is right for you... this is your marriage and family, and no one else here knows your h as you.<p>peace be with you. H

Thanks Honey. I hope you're right. Sometimes, I feel so sure and others, I really don't. I have no choice but to let God lead me. <p>Take care of yourself.

Terri,
How are you?<p>Wazzz up?<p>Hope all is well!<p>I apoligise if I was one of the ones that you considered to be harsh over your H's actions here.
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
Perhaps a few of us overreacted -- it is just that many of us have seen from afar a pattern here that we are concerned you may not see as clearly -- not that you can't see!
I know that you are a very intelligent & intuitive person & you know your H far better than any here. I think most here just want to try & keep you in reality and try to challenge you beyond where you want to go -- for your own good.
Most if not all here I believe are very caring people, that is why we are here and we care for you even though we don't really know you -- it is that Altruistic instinct or whish to do good! Sometimes we may overstep our bounds and be too eager or over zealous in our attempts to help --
Again, most importantly, hope you are doing well!<p>Speaking to you like a brother, even if he is not officially a physical abuser, from what you say, IMHO, he has been one nasty, verbally abusive person to you & that is upsetting to me! You do not deserve such treatment -- you are a good person!
Just thinking of you!
HUGS! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
HH<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>