My WW moved out tuesday....and I'm fairly sure she has continued to see the OM during the past few days. All the while, she tells me she needs time alone to "figure herself out".<p>Today, she is coming over around 1pm, and we plan to spend the day together with our daughter.<p>My question is whether or not I should bring up the subject of our marriage at all. Or should I give her the impression that I dont care what she does while we're apart.

You should probably just wait and make that decision when she arrives - see if a moment presents itself to mention it in a non LB way.<p>If you are in Plan A, then you should probably not mention it - and let her see the chandes that you've made. Talking to her about it will not convince her to stay - she probably already knows where you stand. <p>You have to wait for the A to die, and being supportive and a friend is the best way for her to want to be around you. Don't act like it doesn't matter, but don't let dominate the conversation or you may scare her away.<p>Remember that time is on your side. Review Plan A before she arrives. Make sure you don't LB and see how it goes.<p>Good Luck. K

Ditto God is in Control's advice.<p>Estes

How did it go???

It started OK.....but ended on a bad note.
I'll post the story later....gotta go to work.

It started OK.....but ended on a bad note.
I'll post the story later....gotta go to work.

<<How did it go???>><p>Well, yesterday my wife came over at around 12:30pm.
She gave our daughter a big hug, then gave me a nice hug.
We hung out at the house for a little while, talked a bit about our daughter, then decided to go play mini-golf.
Had fun, then decided to go get some lunch at a mexican restaraunt. We were there for about ten minutes, then my daughter (who is 4), is coloring a fire truck on the kids menu. She then says she saw a red firetruck and mentions the OM by name.
My jaw dropped. I got up immediately and went to the restroom....came back, and my W explains to me that our D met the OM one time 6 months ago before the A even started, and that was what she was referring to.
My wife has sworn she hasn't had our D in OM's presence.........but my problem, is that she's lied about so many things, I just don't know what to believe. My trust is thin.
Anyways, we finished our lunch very quietly, then my W dropped me off at the house. My wife seemed almost angry that I got upset about this, and I told her that I would find it un-acceptable for our D to be spending time with OM.
I was dropped off at home, and D went to my wife's apt. to spend the next 2 days.
My W called me about an hour later, and again last night crying, to apologize.
I just don't know what to think.
I personally think it's unacceptable for my D to be spending ANY time with OM. If my W decides to divorce me, thats another matter, but as the situation now stands, my W is supposedly "trying to figure herself out".
It sure doesn't feel that way.!!!!!!!

Ok, try to relax and take this rationally. Yes, hearing that name from your child's mouth is heart renching. Try to take your wife for her word on this one. I know it is hard, and she doesn't really deserve it, but it's sort of a leap of faith until you have other reason not to. I'm not suggesting that you trust her, but do acknowledge her apology and see her tears as an expression of your pain that she is feeling with you. I'm sure she is aware of how much this hurt you.<p>You did good with walking away and not exploding at the table. Next time you talk with your wife, if you feel the need, express your feelings (in a non LB way), and express what you have said here (if you guys get divorced that's one thing, etc.). I would have to think that she would understand and, if for no other reason, agree that for your daughters sake it is totally reasonable. Do not, I repeat, do not ask your daughter anything about the OM. I mention this because some may be tempted to and I want you to remember that it will only confuse her and make her feel she did something wrong.<p>Sounds like the rest of the day went pretty good. Keep up your plan A, and post here when you need to. I wish you the best. Take care.

MarriageBuilders has been a lot of help to me, and I have a lot of respect for it, but for the life of me this is where we part company. I do not understand how anyone can possibly "Plan A," and still meet and socialize and live with and be pleasant to and supportive of a spouse who is STILL CARRYING ON AN AFFAIR.<p>So, a four-year-old meets OM one time, six months, ago, and immediately remembers OM's name on seeing a fire truck?<p>Yeah, and later on, monkeys are gonna fly out of my butt.<p>Your wife is lying, lying, lying, and you are well aware of it. And she will continue to lie and lie and lie, and use you and use you and use you, and sleep with him and sleep with him and sleep with him, until YOU do something to break the cycle.<p>She has no reason to change anything. She has exactly what she wants right now -- you and him both to love and support her and her child. <p>Good luck. Sorry I cannot be more supportive, but I think you are only setting yourself up for months and years of torment.

<<She has no reason to change anything. She has exactly what she wants right now -- you and him both to love and support her and her child. >><p>Well, I've been doing Plan A for about 3 months now. DDay was 2 months ago, and my wife moved out a week ago. I am seriously considering Plan B in the very near future. We intend to get a sitter next sunday, and go out to dinner together.
I've got about 1 more week of Plan A in me, thats it. She's seen and acknowledged the changes in me.
She has said she still loves me.....but she "doesn't know what she wants". Plan B may be the only way to nudge her towards a decision...one way or the other.<p>I have to agree with you Psycho.......I find it very hard to plan A when I know she's still seeing the OM. She may or may not be bringing my D in his presence....that I must find out. I've never quizzed or questioned my daughter about the OM.....I only ask what her and Mommy did together.
Thats all.
My wife has been lying to me all along.....about alot of things. I'm afraid I just don't have the ability to trust her right now. But, I'll keep silent for now, until I find proof that she's lying about this as well.

Well tonight was very interesting.
My W called me....her car wouldn't start.
So, I drove over to her apt., and gave her a ride to her appointment.......and took my daughter to the toy store. While driving, my D mentioned OM's name again..WITHOUT any questioning from me.<p>We picked up my wife 45 minutes later....and I didn't say a word. We went back to her apt., put our D to bed, and talked for a couple hours about a bunch of things.....but not our M.
I hugged her a few times, and told her I found it difficult to leave her.....and left.
She has called me on my cell twice in the last half hour, and I've not answered.<p>I HAVE to do something.....but I'm not sure what.

>>> I hugged her a few times, and told her I found it difficult to leave her.....and left.
She has called me on my cell twice in the last half hour, and I've not answered <<<<p>Woah... perfect!!! It's my personal belief anyway that Plan A doesn't mean "doormat", and as such, you shouldn't feel obliged to answer her calls like a little puppy dog. She made the choice to leave - she needs to accept that you've got a life to live too, and you may be unavailable at times. That's not to say you need to be unkind or cold... but there is something to be said for backing away a bit - to give her the space she herself has probably asked for (although not knowing why she really needs it). It's funny how when the WS feels their control slipping, it can get them into quite a state.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I do not understand how anyone can possibly "Plan A," and still meet and socialize and live with and be pleasant to and supportive of a spouse who is STILL CARRYING ON AN AFFAIR. <hr></blockquote><p>HEE, HEE, I agree Psycho. However, I think their plan is designed to help those who so desperately want to save their marriage regardless of their spouses' infidelities.<p>Each BS has to make their own decision on that although I'd imagine that Psycho and I would end up rooming together if our WS were continuing to have an affair!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I HAVE to do something.....but I'm not sure what.
<hr></blockquote><p>I'd recommend being available, but not always handy. If she begins carrying her burdens to the OM instead of you, that will put you out in the cold even further. In the meantime, prepare yourself for the emotional roller coaster ahead. You will have to control your emotions around her or it will be a huge LB. I'm talking about those emotions of hurt. She's not going to want to be around someone who is so absorbed in pain that they are unenjoyable. You must find a way to grieve on your own. And too, she probably is so self centered on whatever problems and pain she's having, that she wants everyone else to talk about HER, to be concerned about HER, etc. She's not much in a mode to help someone else through their pain right now. Best of luck.

<p>[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: jamup ]</p>