Hi,<p>My H and I have been seeing a marriage counsellor for 4 weeks now. The first session was joint (I first made it for myself, but the counsellor suggested we both come.) Then I went for indiviual, my husband then went for individual and the last session was joint.<p>I was in a state our first session, due to my H's OEA. We discussed this a bit, but she was mainly concerned with completing the charts she had relating to abuse, etc. (There is none in our marriage.) I left that appointment feeling still very distraught, (had cried at various times in the session)and feeling we hadn't gotten much help, but thought we'd wait and see what happens.<p>My individual session went a little better. We did discuss how I was feeling etc., but not as much as I would have liked. She was more concerned about my background etc. Sounds like that's mainly what happened in my H's session as well.<p>Now the kicker, our last joint session she did not mention the OEA once. We did not discuss it. We talked about our backgrounds, problems etc. Is this right? This doesn't follow the info. I've learned here, about discussing the A and not pushing it under the rug.<p>I've tried to find info. about marriage counsellor's and finding a good one, but haven't had much luck. I really think we need to find a new one and I'm sick about the money we've spent so far.<p>Any advice and/or info. would be appreciated.<p>Thanks,
H&S

HS,<p>I've had counselors like the one you discussed...<p>Usually they think that most problems lie with past history before your marriage...<p>The first sessions are more frustrating because they are like historians and want to do lots of background work. They seem to have this regimented schedule that they can't break away from.<p>You may want to continue with this one a few more sessions to see what she comes up with after her background information is complete, and then decide whether she is going to help your marriage.<p>I do know that my almost ex had a lot of problems prior to our marriage, so for him, he said that the counselor helped him see the things that he was continuing to do...kind of that he had a disfunctional family and it was just continuing in his life...<p>The only thing that I got out of the history background is that I pretty much married my dad... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If you decide to change, I'd say give the Harley's a try.<p>I haven't tried them but I have heard about others here who have and one of my best friends has done the phone counseling. They've all said the Harley's has the best plan to save marriages. My friend says the same thing, she's been to something like 5 other counselors I believe, and she says the others don't compare.<p>Anyway, good luck with your choice.<p>ANNA

I agree with anna, perhaps give it some time... but you may want to also call the number for marriage builders and ask if there is someone in your area that follows the marriage builders program. I found someone... and it helpd... except my H is not willing to follow the program.... but the dr. was... go to the counseling page... and call the number tomorrow... monday and ask for one in your city... I found several actually , and they called me back right away... I had to leave a message. I was thrilled and this doc was on my insurance! If only my H would join in the game plan?<p>Thanks, H

Thanks for your replies. <p>I know I have to be patient. But my gut is saying to make a change. Should we not have discussed the OEA? She didn't ask how we were doing or coping with that. <p>She also called me by another name. She seemed to spend our time going over her notes to catch up on our situation. It's like she didn't do her homework. <p>We don't live in the US, so I don't think the counseling page here can help us. <p>Should we expect help from our consellor in regards to the OEA, or is this something we deal with on our own. <p>I guess I need to know what to expect from a counsellor and how to distinguish between a good one and a bad one. <p>Again, thanks for your help. <p>H&S