Dear ThornedRose,<p>I am overwhelmed with the generosity of your reply regarding the effects of SA. I know that it took time and must have brought up emotions that are still painful. I really, really apprecitate your caring!!<p>I called my son and talked to him about DIL's past. I emailed him your post also. She and I have not discussed the SA. I learned about it indirectly. As estranged as she and S are at this point, I don't see us talking intimately. Maybe sometime in the future.<p>I noticed that it took you years and many changes in counselors to find the right environment to begin to heal. DIL has only seen one. I think she could be more agressive in getting help. No support groups either. I suspect that she is at the stage you mentioned, acknowleging the situation, but not dealing with it effectively yet.<p>I do think that I can tell her about the books you recommended, or have S tell her. They have both read The Threshold of Hope. S will send that to me to read. Even if they do get D, I will still interact with DIL because of my grandson, and I have loved her like another daughter for a decade. Although I deeply regret the pain she has caused my family and have had to withdraw from her because of the hurt she is causing, I feel very sorry for her for the internal turmoil she has lived with for so long, and I truly do want her to find peace of mind even if she and S divorce. She is a charming, intelligent, lovely person - just sooo disturbed emotionally.<p>Evidentally, the step-grandfather can into her life when she was 7. The abuse continued until she left for college. She also feels guilty that she left, but her younger sister continued to experience the abuse she had escaped. Their mother would not believe them about what was happening. Can you imagine how desparate and alone that must make you feel? Your mother is supposed to protect you! How awful it must be to love the person who lets you be hurt.<p>To this day DIL feels no one will love her unless she plays up to them and acts like the perfect "little girl." She pretended for years that everything was great so that no one would be mad at her and reject her. She pretended to S that everything was all right and initiated the A, divorce, and move without telling him how unhappy she was. I guess she thought things would be OK if she ran away from her unhappiness.
It only brought her more misery and abroken family. Of course, the OM was not the answer. He is a wretched man with BIG problems of his own.<p>Now, she is remaining very angry at S and seeing any boundary-setting by him or any insistance to make a recovery plan to restore love, as Dr. Harley recommends, as a disrespectful judgment, and she backs off some more. Ironically, she relies on knowing S is around, has called him crying in her misery, but avoids talking to him about their relationship problems, making all sorts of illogical excuses about why she is unavailable.<p>I have mourned the end of their marriage and the pain my S and GS had to go through. I accept that my little family as it originally was is gone. But I think in the back of my mind I have continued to hope that they could work things out. Now I am faced with mourning the loss of a daughter. This is so sad. Everyone is hurt, and there seems to be no way to stop the disintegration of their family. The frightening thing is that until DIL faces her issues, she won't be happy with herself, her life, or a spouse. I worry about her.<p>Do I understand correctly that you have been truly recovering since 1998 when you first read The Wounded Heart? Did your H ever understand how his behavior triggered memories for you? Did your mom know about the abuse and how did she respond? How do you put to rest what has happened? Is it that you come to understand that YOU did nothing wrong. That something terrible was done TO you? Do you learn to accept yourself as a valuable worthy human being? do you learn that you have great value just by being you?<p>ThornedRose, I am so impressed with you. Thank you, thank you for being so kind to open yourself to your memories in order to help others. I have shared your post with my S. I know it will help him. We knew early on that DIL saw the world differently but did not know the underlying cause of her unrest. We accepted it as part of who she was and loved her. We did not understand that there was a demon inside her that will destroy her and her initmate relationships and long as the demon lives inside her soul. <p>Love and peace,
Estes<p>PS: I almost forgot to ask. Do you think that the state of mind that SA victims experience is a form of mental illness? I have wondered about the "...in sickness and in health" part of the marriage vows. I have wondered about the moral responsibility of a spouse to stay in a marriage when the SAed spouse has an A, files for D, moves out, and balks at making any plan to restore the marriage for over 12 months. How long is a BS morally obligated to work on his end, even moving to be near her, tolerating her indecision before he tells her to go ahead with the D action she started a year ago?<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

^^^bump^^^

Looking for ThornedRose

Estes49,<p>I am thankful that what I said has helped you to understand a little more..and it is only just a fraction of what goes on inside..but for me..it's part of the healing process, being able to discuss it and not keeping the secret a secret any longer..being able to discuss it and not feel ashamed that I lived it..but in understanding I have no reason to be ashamed..for something I had no control over.. I'm only going to reply to part of this right now..because I have to get ready for work..<p>As estranged as she and S are at this point, I don't see us talking intimately. Maybe sometime in the future.<p>TR- Can I ask you something -- what is preventing you from taking that step in reaching out to her?? I understand that you are hurt by her actions towards your son and grandson..But, from what you have said your the ONLY real mother she's ever known..her mother didn't believe her--how would you feel if your own mother didn't believe something so horrid happened to you??? You would feel betrayed..lost, without hope..whats the point..nobody believes me anyway..<p>You can help her more than you realize..just by reaching out to her and showing her you love her inspite of the pain you've felt by her actions..
isn't that what a mother does?? <p>She is probably feeling more internal shame for her actions and guilt beyond words even to face you or your son...and what she's feeling inside is years and years of pain..how do you react when you cut your finger?? or slam a hammer on your thumb?
You yell..you scream OUCH!!! (or cuss) so multiply that pain and add to it the pain you feel inside
by what has happened in your family...what would it take to comfort you??? And think about what you can do to comfort her..if she was your real daughter and you found out this happened to her what would be your response to her?? Would you push her away? or would you comfort her?? hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay..and that you will be there and help her to find the counselor she needs..to get past the hurt?? or would you leave her face that hurt alone?? What if it were your grandson?? would you pull away from him? Would you make him go through that alone?? <p>It really doesn't sound like she's had anyone be there..except your son..but I don't know how their marriage was on the inside..if it was wonderful
she's probably feeling she doesn't deserve it..
she's a horrible person inside who is worthless and doesn't deserve to be happy..so she is going to keep making herself pay..and all the while living the abuse over and over again..<p>You asked if this is an illness..well..in my research..I found this..<p>"In Barbara Lowenthal’s article ‘Effects of Maltreatment’ she describes how abuse can
disrupt the neurological development of children. Because the brain has trillions of synapses which wire the thought processes of the brain, some are destroyed as new things are learned. If a child is abused their mental development becomes malfunctioned. The negative events can cause problems in the attachment process of young children to their caregivers, and can cause the part of the brain which perceives danger to malfunction. Which can cause these children to have a fear of intimate relationships with others as they grow older, leaving them unable to trust someone to really love and care about and them."<p>Lowenthal, Barbara., Annual Editions, Child Growth and Development 02/03, Article 31 "Effects of Maltreatment, and Ways to Promote Children’s Resiliency.” McGraw-Hill Dushkin <p>This was an article in one of my Psy teachers books..<p>So in looking at what this woman is saying..abuse causes problems in the development of a childs brain functions..is this an illness?? I don't know that it is necessarily an illness, but it is a nuerological problem..a growth development problem..her emotional growth was damaged..if the abuse started when she was 7 (it may have started before then in her mom's previous marriage or a previous relationship) we don't know..so we'll just go w/ the age of 7, she was a little girl who was playing with dolls, and make believe..and all of a sudden she is thrust into adulthood..what happened?? She missed the years of growing up emotionally in between to prepare her for that position in life..on the outside, yes, she's an adult..she's a grown woman..but on the inside, she's still that 7 year old little girl in her understandings of what an initimate relationship should be like..but she also has some adult understandings..things that she's learned since being away from the abuse..but they conflict w/ the what the little girl knows and understands about relationships..(the little girl only understands pain, hurt and sex as love) the adult however on one level knows it should be more than that..so how do you deal with that struggle??<p>You either run from it..or you figure out which is correct..you stop and face it..and right now..even though your son is trying to show her what love should be..it conflicts with what she learned as a child..so she struggles..and runs..because it scares the hell out of her..it's what she really wants..but is afraid that she's not worthy of it..
and so she runs..<p>She has a son..so now she's a mom thinking..what if I am the same type of mom as my mom?? Do I want that for my son?? No..He'd be better off without me there..then she'll have those moments of he needs her..and she'll want to be there for him..but her feelings of being just like her mom
outweigh the feelings of her son needing her..<p>You can encourage her by being the mom for her she's never had..you can encourage her by telling her what a great mom you think she's been or will be to your grandson..your son can encourage her this way also..<p>As far as how much should he put up with or long should he wait..well,I can't say..that is his decision..only he will know when it's time..
He can tell her that he loves her deeply, but it hurts him to much to watch her continue to hurt herself..but how much does he love her?? Does he love her enough to wait a life time?? Does he love her enough to wait another year before he accepts she isn't ready to change?? And during that year support her emotionally..and continue to show her she really does deserve to have this type of love..and so does he..<p>Maybe if he reads the books, and gains some insight he may decide it's to much for him..
not that he doesn't love her..but that he really loves her enough to let her go..<p>Do I understand correctly that you have been truly recovering since 1998 when you first read The Wounded Heart? Yes..there are still areas I am recovering in..but emotionally yes..<p>Did your H ever understand how his behavior triggered memories for you? <p>No..he didn't see how it could..and if it did it was MY problem..not his..he didn't need to change..because HE wasn't my dad, and I just needed to get over it..<p>Did your mom know about the abuse and how did she respond? <p>Honestly..I don't know if she really knew when it was going on..but I did tell her..she was devasted..she treated me differently..not better..
but as I betrayed her..like I took something away from her..she went to counseling..and was faced w/ her own memories..of seeing things..but never really "seeing" them..she was faced with her own memories of me laying on the front lawn begging her w/ tears running down my face to take me with her shopping..and not leaving me home alone w/ my dad..she was faced w/ the memories of walking in on the abuse and believing my dad's lies..she was faced w/ looking at why her 8 year old daughter started to drink..<p>I think that was very hard for her to do..she was faced with the realities of what she saw..but refused to see..and she resented me for a long time for making her face those things..making her feel like less of a woman.."what am I not good enough that he has to turn to a child??" much like many BS feel here when they find out about affairs..like there is something wrong w/ them..
and like so many here they hate the OW/OM..they begin to blame them for the affair..my mother did the same thing..when I said I wanted to go in the service when I graduated H/S..she couldn't wait for me to leave..I reminded her of her pain..<p>How do you put to rest what has happened?<p>You begin to look at it differently..you grow from it..begin to accept who you are..and how strong you really are because of what you have learned..<p>Is it that you come to understand that YOU did nothing wrong. That something terrible was done TO you? <p>That's only part of it..you also have to call a spade a spade..and acknowledge that the people who did these things and did nothing to protect you
aren't satan himself..but that they chose to this to you..it was a choice that they made..be it drug induced or alcohol induced..they chose to abuse you..they chose to ignore your pain..it was my dad's choice to do this to me..and that was hard to accept..how could this man who was my father..who said He loved me..who helped bring me into this world..helped create me..choose to do such a thing??? and how could I love him?? How could I have these conflicting feelings of love and hate?? he's my dad..I'm supposed to love him..
but how can I love him when he does this to me???<p>this helped me to understand God's love for me..
it helped me to see..there are things I choose to do..when God was prompting my heart not to..but I did them anyway..God didn't hate me when I did them..he hated that I did them..but didn't hate me..He hated the sin..but not the sinner..<p>
Do you learn to accept yourself as a valuable
worthy human being? do you learn that you have great value just by being you?<p>And through the above answer...I began to see my value as a person..I knew Christ as my Savior before that time..but I never fully grasped the entire grace of how God really can love us..and hate some of our actions..and when I really began to grasp that..I was able to understand..it really wasn't my fault..God created me to need love..and needing to be loved isn't wrong..but the way my dad showed me he loved me was wrong..<p>I'll make another post of an e-mail I sent out in Aug 2000 about something I learned..which has really helped me emotionally...It's kind of long..which is why I will post it seperately..

here is the e-mail w/ the date and time..I wrote it..hope this helps you see how much this book has helped me and continually helps me..<p>Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2000 2:13 AM
Subject: A WOW Moment with God...<p>All of you know that God is working w/ me on healing from my past sexual abuse.. so I thought that I would share with you all a WOW moment that God showed me tonite..(this morning)whatever..LOL<p>I was reading the book "The Wounded Heart" tonite..I have read it before..and God
showed me different things in the book and has healed some areas...and I highlighted and wrote in the book different little things he's shown me and I was reading back through it tonite..areas that weren't highlighted or marked..and He has been showing me more areas that He wants to heal..and understand so that I can share these things
with others so that they can maybe have a better understanding of the healing process..and maybe have a better understanding of themselves and Who God is...<p>It is my belief that EVERYONE has been hurt emotionally at some point in their life..and some bury the pain..some try to numb it by drinking and
drugs..and never really face it head on and deal with it..something I am working on now..but anyway...to get to the point..We all understand that Christ died on the cross and was resurrected from the dead..but what does that really mean to us in our own lives? Have we ever really been
through the dying process of the old man..and restored to the new? Have we ever been really broken inside..and allowed God to heal those hurts? So we can become new creatures in Him?? <p>When most ppl think of the past they figure why
bother..it was so long ago..and it doesn't matter anyway...but that is so far from the truth...<p>Here is a little excerpt from this book that may help us understand how we die and become new in Christ..<p>"The process of entering the past will disrupt life or, at least the existance that masquerades as life. The ease of quiet denial that allows
the person to be a pleasant but vacous doormat or an articulate but driven Bible-study leader will
be replaced by tumult, fear, confusion, anger, and change. <p>Marriages will need to be reshaped; sexual relations may be postponed while partners fast and pray..The fabric of life will need to be unraveled piece by piece as the Master reweaves the cloth to His design. <p>The process would be difficult even in an ideal world with supportive family, friends and churches. In many cases, the external battle is dramatically difficult because others would prefer the nice woman to remain sweet, the competent woman to remain in control, and the happy-go-lucky woman remain the life of the party.. <p>When change is bumpy and messy particularly if it impels others to change, it is viewed with suspicion and rancor usually reserved for the worst heritics. But what is viewed as the greatest heresy is usually the thing that calls those committed to comfort to deepest change. One might wish that the process of santification was merely a stroll down a gentle country lane. <p>In fact, the path is through dark valleys and into
seemingly impenetrable darkness that eclipses the light of the Son of God.<p>The horror of change is that it appears to involve a death that resurrection cannot restore. therefore, the only apparent hope is to live in denial and to believe that God wants us to be complacent, spiritual automatons. I view this as a diabolical coverup, a lie of such proportion and feasability that it seems eminently reasonable.
After all, what can be done about a pain of titanic dimension that seems to only get worse to the degree it is touched on, let alone plumbed to its depths? The litnany of voices leave well enough alone, are legion, and there degrees, life experince and cautious reason serve as numbing influence that dulls the throb in the soul and the pounding of the heart.<p>What is the point in pursuing firm hope and lively joy? The answer is simple:<p>To live out the gospel. The reason for entering the struggle is a desire for more, a taste of what life and love could be if freed from the dark
memories and deep shame. <p>No one leaves the lethargy of denial unless there is a spark of discontent the pierces the darkness of daily numbness.<p>To live significantly less than what one was made to be is as severe a betrayal of the soul as the orginal abuse." <p>Which brings me to what God showed me as I read this section of this book...again... The death process...is the facing and reliving the pain..so that God can heal those hurts and we can be made "new" in Him..as He heals us...as we face these past hurts..we are in essence letting them die...killing them..so that we don't have to
hurt because of them anymore..and as we face those hurts and pains inside of us..and allow God to heal us He is making us WHOLE and truely ALIVE in Him...because if we have all been hurt emotionally and we deaden our feelings..numb them so that we don't feel anything at all..how is that Living???
It isn't...How can we live if we can't feel??? How
can we taste life if we don't have the tastebuds to taste it??? We can't...and God gave us
feelings as our tastebuds to live..and to whether they are feelings of pain, joy, love, whatever...they are the tastebuds to really live the life God intends us to live in Him...<p>anyway...I felt prompted to share this with ya'll and it's my prayer you will allow God to take you through the pain of the past or present..and face it..so that you can really let those be dead and buried...and be resurrected to a new life being able to really feel..and taste...

Estes49:<p>I noticed that it took you years and many changes in counselors to find the right environment to begin to heal. DIL has only seen one. I think she could be more agressive in getting help. No support groups either. I suspect that she is at the stage you mentioned, acknowleging the situation, but not dealing with it effectively yet.<p>TR- Actually I healed at different levels with all but one counselor..the first one..but yes..it took years..it was like years of repeated surgery..going in..recovering from that..and going back under the knife..like it was an absess that stayed infected..and the dr had to keep pouring peroxide on it to help clear it out..and every time I had to go back into surgery..God cut a little deeper to get more of the infection out..
the surface hurts I viewed as recent hurts..then after I dealt with some of those..God was able to dig a little deeper in another area..so now..I feel like my heart has been cut up into little pieces and sewn back together..having all these little scars..<p>
She also feels guilty that she left, but her younger sister continued to experience the abuse she had escaped.<p>TR- I actually know a lot of women who have this same guilt..and it really isn't hers to carry it's her mothers...<p>Their mother would not believe them about what was happening. <p>TR- This is also normal..the mother refuses to believe they could be so wrong about the man they love..and they themselves want to be loved and be married so desperately that they will put up with anything..just to have someone take care of them..
I also know women whose mothers didn't want to have sex with the husbands so they ignored the abuse and looked at it..as long as he leaves me alone..very very sad...<p>Can you imagine how desparate and alone that must make you feel? <p>TR- Yes I can..and it hurts very much..more than a spouse betraying you..it damages you to the core..
makes you question who could ever love you..who would ever believe you if the people who gave you life don't..<p>Your mother is supposed to protect you! How awful it must be to love the person who lets you be hurt.<p>TR- Very..<p>To this day DIL feels no one will love her unless she plays up to them and acts like the perfect "little girl." She pretended for years that everything was great so that no one would be mad at her and reject her. She pretended to S that everything was all right and initiated the A, divorce, and move without telling him how unhappy she was. <p>TR- she is a little girl emotionally..and doesn't know how to relate on an adult level..and probably doesn't understand what she feels..doesn't know what the names are to what it is she actually feels..because she's never really allowed herself to "FEEL" anything but numb..<p>I guess she thought things would be OK if she ran away from her unhappiness.<p>TR- Many people feel this way...they just run different ways..some to drinking, some to drugs,
some to work..<p>It only brought her more misery and abroken family. Of course, the OM was not the answer. He is a wretched man with BIG problems of his own.<p>TR- Because that is what she knows and understands love to be..<p>Now, she is remaining very angry at S and seeing any boundary-setting by him or any insistance to make a recovery plan to restore love, as Dr. Harley recommends, as a disrespectful judgment, and she backs off some more. <p>TR- those feelings she has to get out..she isn't used to boundaries..probably doesn't even know what they are as far as personal boundaries go,
she probably doesn't feel she is intitled to have them for herself..because she was never allowed to say no as a child..she wasn't allowed to have her body untouched..she most likely feels her body is public property for any and all to do with what they please..and doesn't realize she can say NO!!!<p>She probably said no to her husband when it came to sex though..because it was something she actually had control over, although if she said yes at times when she really didn't want too it was out of guilt and the feeling of obligation and feeling she 'owed' him sex because he provided for her..he was her husband..<p>Ironically, she relies on knowing S is around, has called him crying in her misery, but avoids talking to him about their relationship problems, making all sorts of illogical excuses about why she is unavailable.<p>TR- To her they are logical..think again about how little kids respond..maybe he can step back and just be her friend for now..not push the divorce..and just be there for her and support her..but step back enough to protect his heart..<p>But I think in the back of my mind I have continued to hope that they could work things out.<p>TR- Pray for her..<p>The frightening thing is that until DIL faces her issues, she won't be happy with herself, her life, or a spouse. I worry about her.<p>TR- This is very true..she needs to find that peace within herself..to be truely happy..<p>ThornedRose, I am so impressed with you. Thank you, thank you for being so kind to open yourself to your memories in order to help others. I have shared your post with my S.<p>TR- I try to share so that others can heal..and help those they love heal..my pain is not as fresh as others..the scars are there..but the infection is cleared [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I still have trust issues I am dealing with..still learning who is trustworthy and who isn't..what is a healthy relationship and what isn't..I am learning what it is I really want in a relationship..as I know what I don't want again..I'm still learning the red flags to look at..so I don't fall down that hole again...<p>I know it will help him. We knew early on that DIL saw the world differently but did not know the underlying cause of her unrest. We accepted it as part of who she was and loved her. We did not understand that there was a demon inside her that will destroy her and her initmate relationships and long as the demon lives inside her soul. <p>TR- It isn't a demon that lives inside her..it's the memories of demonic activity..<p>I have wondered about the "...in sickness and in health" part of the marriage vows. I have wondered about the moral responsibility of a spouse to stay in a marriage when the SAed spouse has an A, files for D, moves out, and balks at making any plan to restore the marriage for over 12 months. How long is a BS morally obligated to work on his end, even moving to be near her, tolerating her indecision before he tells her to go ahead with the D action she started a year ago?<p>TR- I can't answer this..it's up the individual person..I could suggest is for your son to pray about it..and ask God for His wisdom in that matter..I guess He could read the book of Hosea
(Old Testament) His wife left him and went into prositution..and He took her back over and over again..(it's actually the first book that came to mind when I read this question) In the book of 2nd Samuel Chapter's 13 and 14, it talks of sexual
abuse-- and how Tamar was treated afterwards..
and how she reacted to their treatment...very sad.
she lived a desolate life..<p>I'm not sure if this answers all of your questions..but if you want you can have your son e-mail me at thornedrose3@yahoo.com and if he has any questions that I may be able to answer directly..I'd be happy to try...but like I said before..He would be wise to find a support group for sexual assault victims..

TR,<p>I have printed your posts and am reading and rereading them. There are some more questions that I would like to ask you when I have had time to process what you have written. I spoke to my son this evening and he has not objection to my talking to DIL. I will have to decide the best way to begin a dialog with her. I will also share your latest post and your email address.
It is 11:50 PM CDT and I have to get up at 5:30 AM. I'll be back tomorrow.<p>Thank you for caring,
Estes<p>[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

Estes49:<p>Your welcome,<p>I wanted to add there is a post to Happyhusband in the I think it's the EN forum that someone else is struggling with the same issues of a spouse whose been Sexually abused..maybe another form of support for you all...

TR, hello,<p>Ilooked for Happyhusband's thread, but had no luck finding it. I'll keep looking.<p>You asked what was preventing me from reaching out to DIL. There are several reasons. Probably the main one is that I am afraid to do or say anything that will make her mad or offend her for fear of worsening things between her and S. So every interaction between us strictly avoids personal conversation, just addresses generalities. I guess I am trying the MB technique of avoiding LBs. My problem is that anything I say could be construed as a LB. You never know her mindset. Better not to say anything than to make her mad. <p>Secondly, she hasn't confided in me personally about SA. She might think I was intruding. I don't know how to open the conversation. Finally, I have reservations about becoming a confidant of someone who has intentionally caused grievous suffering for my S and has shown no remorse. Would I be giving aid and comfort to the "enemy" so to speak?<p>So, I don't know what I am going to do. I would like to break the ice. I want her to know that I understand something about why she has done some of the things she has done, that I know she is hurting, too. But I do not want to be disrespectful to my S considering how hard DIL worked to deceive him and take his little boy away from him. How can I be encouraging to her all the while she is hurting my S? I have started a letter to her. I'll work on it and think about it awhile longer before deciding to send it. <p>You explained how you healed one step at a time, delving deeper each time. Do you have any suggestions for how to shorten the healing time?
What might you have done differently? I can't remember where, but I have read that in cases where a spouse is very introspective and deals with issues of abuse from the past, marriages rarely survive. Wish I remember where I read that. It's too much to deal with for them, I guess.<p>I will read Hosea and 2nd Samuel. BTW, both S and DIL are people of faith. That is what has sustained S. However, DIL even lied to their priest about why she was moving and went to OM's church with him, telling people that God was so good, that He was bringing new people into her life. She believes God brought her together with OM because God was using her to help OM heal. FOG! <p>I like the part of your email about resurrection to new life being able to really feel. It sounds so hopeful.<p>I will try to muster the courage and find the right words to talk (write) to my DIL. I'll let you know what happens.<p>Estes

Estes49:
My problem is that anything I say could be construed as a LB. You never know her mindset. Better not to say anything than to make her mad. <p>TR- I understand..just pray about it and allow God to lead you in whatever direction you take..
whether you write to her or not..<p>Would I be giving aid and comfort to the "enemy" so to speak?<p>TR- You don't have to agree with her actions to offer support..<p>
You explained how you healed one step at a time, delving deeper each time. Do you have any suggestions for how to shorten the healing time?
What might you have done differently? <p>TR- Unfortunately..the only way I could have handled it any differently was to have found a different counselor after the first one told me it was my fault for the abuse, and that I had to have done something to cause it..<p>I can't remember where, but I have read that in cases where a spouse is very introspective and deals with issues of abuse from the past, marriages rarely survive. <p>TR- Only of they don't have a supportive spouse..
and one who is also willing to make the changed nessesary in themselves..<p>She believes God brought her together with OM because God was using her to help OM heal. FOG! <p>TR- maybe..he did..but she's looking at it from the wrong perspective..I say God brought the OM into my life too..but not so that I could help him..but to show me what was missing in my own life..in my own marriage that God wanted me to have..I learned from him what a relationship SHOULD and COULD be like..and I wanted that with my husband..and ended the friendship with the OM..
but ours was an emotional affair..and not sexual..
and I wanted that same closeness within my marriage..but..he didn't..<p>I like the part of your email about resurrection to new life being able to really feel. It sounds so hopeful.<p>TR- It is hopeful [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I will try to muster the courage and find the right words to talk (write) to my DIL. I'll let you know what happens.<p>TR- Like I said..pray about it..and let God lead you..

Estes,<p>I'm sorry...it's devotedhusbands thread..not
happyhusband.

Found it, thanks.<p>Estes