I haven't posted here in a long time. I used to post fairly often under a different screen name, but I'd rather not have my WS read this abbreviated version of where I'm at.<p>The subject line sums it up. We've been separated for about 6 months, and things just aren't moving in any direction as far as I can tell. We haven't had a relationship discussion for about 5 months, and only talk when we need to figure out logistics for the kids. I suppose this is Plan B, but no letter was ever written and we are always very friendly when we do talk or meet.<p>I believe that I've done a very nice job just focusing on me, and that I'm a much better person for the effort. I've done lots of reading, worked on being the best father I can be, avoided being needy, etc. In short, I've worked myself into very good shape both emotionally and physically. I've had a couple of counseling sessions with Jennifer, and have followed her guidance. I know my WS has seen the changes in me.<p>The problem is that I'm very tired of limboland. I've worked on every other aspect of my life, and I'm ready to work on my marriage or move on. I don't want to hurt my kids, and I don't want to give up without trying everything within reason. I could use some words of wisdom/encouragement.<p>Lexxxy, I asked you here in particular because I have a lot of respect for you and would like your opinion on the following. How do I let my wife know that I'm near the end of the tether without making it seem like an ultimatum? The feeling I'm looking to convey here is simply that I'm ready to make a calm, rational, decision with my wife about whether we should start proactively working toward reconciliation, start divorce proceedings, or give it some more time.<p>There really aren't a lot of extra complications here. I'm reasonably sure OM is out of the picture, we're both okay financially, there are no disputes about the children, and we're not out bad-mouthing each other. I feel like I could start a new relationship with her and do a much better job holding up my end. I don't want to talk her into anything though. I'd like her to reconcile because it's what she wants, or have her decide that she doesn't want to.<p>So, how do I gently nudge my wife off the fence, or should I just suck it up and keep my yap shut for a few more months?

This actually sounds like the time to start plan B.<p>- Tom

Thanks for the reply Tom. I have to wonder, though, how Plan B would differ significantly from where we are right now.<p>I basically don't ever initiate contact unless it's required for the sake of the kids. We exchange brief email or a phone call about once per week just to synchronize our schedules with respect to childcare. That's it.<p>We used to go out to dinner and just hang out once every 2-3 weeks, but I decided to stop initiating that and it hasn't happened for about a month and a half now.<p>How are you managing Plan B with kids?

I'm sorry, I missed the statement that you are already separated!! But the problem is that you are somewhere in between plan A and plan B. So a number of questions come to mind:<p>

• Being separated, how can you be sure that the same or another OM is not in the picture?
• What needs of hers are you meeting right now?
• How did she acknowledge the changes you've made?
• Has she faced any consequences or adversity during the separation?
• Who moved out? Who has the kids most of the time?
• When is the last time you spoke with JH?

<p>I'm sorry, it sounds like you are running out of gas. I think the plan B letter, with a clear transition from plan A to plan B, is a critical part of Harley's approach and it's missing in your case. I'm not sure how to remedy that now.<p>Maybe it's not practical for you to go back in plan A; I know I couldn't. But there are others on this board who've done it more than once, and might encourage you in that.<p>Here is the way I would lean, assuming that you do have some plan A foundation and are currently meeting some of her needs (financial?). I really believe your wife is still seeing someone, given the situation. If you can develop some new information on that, which should not be too hard, then use that as the basis of a traditional plan B letter.<p>That's if you still want to save the marriage. Whatever you do, it is going to take several more months, and sap more of your energy, so you have to think about that too.<p>I don't think that simply waiting a few more months would change anything, unless you can change the circumstances.<p>- Tom<p>PS - I have the kids 5 overnights out of 14, and my wife and I only communicate on their scheduling logistics, joint tax return, etc. I did give her a plan B letter, and things have not gone entirely her way during our separation, which they did in plan A. <p>PPS - Another suggestion, maybe speak with JH again before making a decision. Your situation is different enough that a professional opinion is probably the best. I was counseling with SH, but not since January. The fees do add up, and in plan B the need for counseling seems not so great, because there isn't as much happening day-to-day. Before I made any final decision, however, I would make another appointment.

To answer your questions:<p>- Since we are separated I obviously can't be certain that she's not seeing someone. I'm just speculating based on my knowledge of her, things she's said, and the fact that she has some pretty good reasons not to get involved with someone right now.<p>- I'm probably not meeting any of her needs at the moment. Certainly she isn't meeting any of mine.<p>- She has verbally acknowledged that I look good, that I'm doing a great job with the kids, and that I'm keeping the house looking nice. She has also commented that I seem to be maintaining a positive attitude.<p>- She moved out of our house and into a smaller rental property. That's probably the biggest adversity she's faced as a result of the separation. That and the fact that she doesn't get to see our kids as often as she used to.<p>- I last spoke with Jennifer back in February. At that time she actually suggested that I might start drafting a Plan B letter, but that I should wait it out for another few months before giving it to her.<p>Thanks again for your input. I definitely will seek professional help before making the next move.