I am posting to receive some thoughts on how to best create a Plan A approach in resonse to my W's (internet-based) As. I have a fair amount of experience with the techniques and methods employed for saving our R from the time I have spent on this web site (an reading the books advocated here) following my Ws previous A (autumn 2000).
Around a month ago I thought that I discovered my W having some "interesting" internet dicussions (EA) with one man she met via the internet. But I have since discovered that there are numerous OM via chat rooms on the internet.
Are there any of you out there who have had to deal with the situation of multiple (virtual or eventually, virtual leading to real affairs)OM? How can the dynamics of multiple OM (or OW) change the approach to Plan Aing? (I feel with this situation there maybe there will be more difficulties in the A progressing to where it "dies a natural death" because all one must do is to just move to a new chat partner.)
Are there any of you out there who have been completely addicted to this sort of thing (maybe some of us who hang out on this sight too much...)? How does it die?<p>Any experiences, thoughts or advice are appreciated!<p>Sweden

In your situation you must get rid of the internet. It's allowing your wife to bring other men into your house and lives. It's only vertual for now. There are too many stories of woman meeting men on the internet and leaving to go live with them. Most of these affairs that I have read about turn out to be a mess but they are doing this for a reason. You need to see a conselor to have your wife figure out why she is doing this, it's not OK,it't not fair, it's not harmless, look how it's effecting you.<p>Good Luck

Sweden:<p>Don't try to diminish the seriousness of your W's As by thinking that if they're "only virtual" or only emotional, that they're somehow not as dangerous to your M as if she were having sex with one (or more) of these OMs. For women, the emotional draw is far more important than the sexual relationship, and for men it's usually the reverse. Men, then, are able to provide the emotional needs the woman is after in exchange, eventually, for sex. <p>But what's important for you NOW, is that your W is not devoting 100% of her emotional intimacy to YOU and your M. This can only get worse as time goes on. Get into C'ing, and try to get your W into C'ing with you as soon as possible. Don't let this go any farther than it already has. The pain will be almost unbearable!<p>Take care

Hi Sweden - my WH has a propensity for "virtual relationships." This is not a surprise to me, since we met online ourselves. We also have a fairly open relationship, and my issue was never that he would talk to other women, but that he never, ever lie to me about it or try to hide it. As long as I know what's going on, I'm okay with it.<p>But, he has opted to lie about it, over and over, and really has had no explanation as to why. This time, I'm not letting it go until we resolve the underlying issues. But from a practical standpoint this time, we agreed to some groundrules: He deleted the screen name he typically uses. We acknowledge that I have full rights to his email accounts. He has not gone online to "chat" since D-day. Getting rid of the internet is not really an option for us - we both use it pretty extensively for our jobs. He knows that I can check up on a lot of what he's doing, but now how I do it (check up, that is). <p>What seems to be helping the most, is that by trying to follow the POJA, and trying to meet the 15+ hours of face to face time per week, there's just not much time or opportunity for him to be online.<p>As to whether these online affairs would have become real? He had the opportunity for the last one to be real, and passed on it. He really prefers the fantasy of the online relationship, where no one ever farts, has bad breath, makes a bad decision, loses an erection, etc. etc.

Thanks for the responses! Keep them coming.
Here's some more detail to my situation for hopefully some more detailed insight. <p>My W and I are in the process of spending 6 weeks apart from each other, because she is doing the "practical training" portion of her training program in web design. So, have I NO control presently of her internet access. I am also not worried that she will meet some fac-to-face because she is doing this training on the Finnish island of Aland, which lies in the middle of the Baltic Sea. The problem may be that there is a boat that runs daily to Stockholm, that she can easily take and meet someone. I am guessing that she did something like that over the past weekend, but who knows...
I discovered her last virtual A in the beginning of March from a bunch of documents she saved on the computer. Since the OM was also M, I threatened to confront the OM's W with everything to stop the EA. I think it worked because I spoke with him on the phone, but, at the same time, it angered my WW greatly (it shattered her fantasy...).
She presently wants to separate or divorce and claims again (same thing as the last A round) that she doesn't love me. I've done a pretty good job at not LBing, I feel, but she is still quite angry.
Over the weekend I found out that there are numerous M that she has been chatting with (and possibly more than chat...). As I stated in my first post, how can this behavior end if one can simply move to a new person? Do these things also die natural deaths, as in an A with only one other individual?<p>If anything now, these six weeks are giving me some wonderful time with our two kids!<p>Sweden

Sweden:<p>Contacting OMW was risky, because it can blow OM's M apart and make him more available to your W. If it worked, okay, but be careful in the future.<p>Sounds like you've been happy enough alone, and your W is happy enough, for the moment, to continue her As, that you might want to consider separating. Maybe her family isn't all that important to her? Only by doing a good plan A, possibly followed by a good plan B (with the realization that you should be prepared for DV yourself, if it comes to that), will you be able to find that out.<p>Good luck!

Hello Sweden:
My H and OW met online. We live in Us and she is in Sweden. He flew there to see her and the relationship became sexual. So there this is very dangerous. Maybe you could help me though. I would like to get a letter to the OW's spouse but suspect she might open it if it has Us post on it. Can you help me? My email is gwyndolette@hotmail.com. Thank you.

I didn't actually need to contact the OM's W. It was only a threat, and I guess it worked.<p>From hearing some of the posts from you out there, I get a pretty grim picture. Do people burn out on this sort of thing? The interesting thing is that people you meet on the internet don't have bad breathe, wear a bad purfume, or pass gas... Maybe the positive aspect is that there is always the desire to want to meet someone face-to-face, and that is where reality can set in...<p>2long, I'm presently torn between Plan A or B. Plan A worked for me last time well , and I am doing my best at it presently, even though she is a long way away. I somehow feel if I move to a Plan B, it will give her the evidence she needs to say that I really didn't care about her (and the kids) and moved away. It's a tough call, because of course I often get the feeling of being a just Doormat. I think it comes with the territory sometimes.<p>It's a big foggy guessing game!<p>Sweden

Sweden:<p>"I somehow feel if I move to a Plan B, it will give her the evidence she needs to say that I really didn't care about her (and the kids) and moved away."<p>The best plan B you could run would be for HER to move away from you and the kids. That way, she'll find out what she's missing - not only you, but her family. If you give up your family, she'll have only you to miss, and if she's in an A with a single OM, she might be able to get over you more easily. <p>No, I would try to keep the kids and stay in the house, if I were trying a plan B.

I've been thinking about the possibility of her going too recently, but she is really bound to this apartment. It would be difficult.
Also, if I told her that she was the one that had the problems that she would say that there aren't any others--the big coverup...plus some denial.
With her being gone now, we could say that she has a 6 week test without us, but I think she is probably only missing the kids, or so it seems that way. I've been communicating with her minimally (semi-plan B), but I don't think it matters if she is having contact with other(s).<p>Sweden