I have been hard at work trying to meet all of WH's EN's and I think its working - I know he's not seeing OW anymore (at least I don&#8217;t think he is) and he actually asked me to set him up an appointment to see the doctor to get some anti-depressants which is great (he has been seeing a Counselor for depression) because until now he hasn&#8217;t been willing to do that - Its pretty sad that I can be this excited about anti-depressants, I just hope he keeps that appointment and tells the doctor the truth about how he has been feeling. He actually see's no good in his life, can't even remember a time in which we were happy and trust me there were more happy times than bad. <p>Now for my ***** of the day - I go out of my way to meet him needs and I know he appreciate it but he doesn&#8217;t even try to meet mine - Over the years I was the one not meeting his needs, he would always be the one to initiate sex, kiss me goodnight or goodbye in the am and I just didn&#8217;t pay any attention to it - I assumed he knew I loved him, didn&#8217;t give him any choices in what we did and who we did it with - I was not meeting any EN's, I gained a ton of weight (which I&#8217;m now losing) and making it a point to let him know each day that I love and care for him, showing him that I can lose the weight,(that his opinion of me matters) trying to bring back the little things and now that I have been doing these things I miss him giving them to me &#8211; I didn&#8217;t realize what I had until it was gone. He has actually said that he realizes that if he said Jump right now, I would ask how high? I&#8217;m not sure if this is good or bad &#8211; Do you think he is taking advantage of my wanting to make things better in our relationship? Do I stop doing these things and see what happens, will he miss it? And maybe wonder why I stopped? Maybe I should make him worry that he is losing me? I still Love my H more than anything and want to make this work but there comes a point where it takes 2 people&#8230;. Or do I keep right now doing what I&#8217;ve been doing, he seems to be coming around &#8211; doesn&#8217;t blame me for everything, calls when he&#8217;s going to be late, asks for my opinion on things (all good things) and keep hoping that I will get the complete package back at some point.

rdvpmm,
If he's depressed the changes in his behavior might be more about that than not meeting your needs. Depression is real and it is difficult to get beyond how dull & hopeless you feel to reach out to someone else. Guilt, very common in WS, can do the same thing.<p>He might not recognize his behavior toward you has changed. Or he may not be capable of the same behavior right now. Hopefully he will get anti-depressants and they will help. My H fought going on them for 2 years, and was amazed at the difference. Of course he didn't want to stay on them and went off after 6 months, but he's agreed that if I tell him he's acting chronically depressed, he'll listen. So far, so good (2 years).<p>You'll probably get tired of hearing it takes time, but it does. When you say "complete package" I'm assuming you mean how he once was. It might not be the same. Hopefully it will be better in 6 months. <p>Many times it is baby steps and it sounds like your H is trying, he ended it with the OW, he's calling, asking your opinion, going to a counselor, willing to try anti-depressants. That's ALL effort. No, it doesn't look the same as your effort, but if you both were the same you wouldn't need a partner [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Pick one of your high ENs, it sounds like either affection or time spent together might be up there, and ask him for a specific behavior. If you want kisses hello & goodbye, say so. It doesn't matter if you aren't used to asking...it's ok to ask, he isn't a mindreader, he may not know, or if you have told him, have understood how important it is to you.

Well he got put on Paxil - I can keep my fingers crossed that it helps, I know it has all kinds of side effects but I can always hope the good out weighs the bad and hopefully he will take it. Its pretty sad when I get this excited about anti-depressants [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Lor -
My H knows what my High EN's are but says that he is not able to give me anymore right now - I have to learn to accept that (harder than you would think). <p>I know he is trying and god that makes me love him even more but I'm so tired of worring all the time that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and he will have decided that he just doesnt want to try anymore - When do you get to the point that you love them but know you will be fine if they leave? and you dont worry about every little thing, doing the wrong thing or even doing the right things?

rv,
I'm not a good one to ask timeline questions. We were separated 7 times over a period of 21 months. The bad times were 2+ years. <p>So, a few months without having your ENs met, doesn't seem like a lot to me...though I know it was very difficult to get through for me as well.<p>Your H said he can't give anymore, did you try to ask for one specific behavior based thing? 15 minutues of conversation with the timer on. Or kiss hello & goodbye? The more defined you can be the easier it would be for him to carry out.<p>I liked Paxil better than Zoloft. I hope it helps your H. Try and wait through the 2-4 weeks it takes to start working and then maybe he'll have the ability to focus enough to start giving you what you need.

Thanks for the thoughts - I was once on Paxil and found it to be a good starting point - It made me focus a little better - I can hope it helps and that he gives it the chance to work.<p>Lor - How did you find the strength to go on for 21 months? It has only been 3 months and somedays I wonder if I'll be able to do it another day? I love him more than anything and have to keep believing that it will work out in the end but many days take a toll and I just get tired of wondering, waiting, wanting - needing to know what the future holds in store for me.

RV,
Life goes on and days pass, no matter how slowly some minutes move.<p>I made it through day by day, decision by decision, step by step. It's not just a slogan, it's a way of life [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>The MB boards certainly helped, the 2nd counselor I tried was excellent. Faith that God has a plan for me, even if I couldn't see what the heck it might be.<p>And, for the most part, I believed my H was just lost. He stayed on the fence a lot longer than most WS do, jumping on the OW's side for a bit, then mine. Not willing to give either of us up, not willing to commit to either of us. And, he was depressed. Visibly & behaviorly.<p>One of the ways I chose to think about it was in terms of wedding vows, that was "sickness" and "worse".<p>And so, I set an internal clock of 18 months to 2 years that I would keep myself at the point of reconciliation. At about 20 months...the 7th separation, that was it for me. His PA was over, he'd hadn't left me that time because of the A, he'd left me because he didn't want to be married to me.<p>I gave up, started moving on with my life, served D papers...and that's when he decided he wanted to be married to me. He began seeing our counselor alone, went on anti-depressants--finally! And he really had a change of heart. It took him about 4 more months of accountability & effort & his own Plan A to persuade me I could try again.<p>We reconciled in true recovery 2+ years after his PA had begun. And now, almost 2 years of recovery.<p>My story has a good marital outcome, and we're doing very well, but as I said, my timeline isn't encouraging and the path here was the Rockin' Roller Coaster.<p>One thing my counselor encouraged me to do was to remember what my goal was--to be at the point where reconciliation was possible and to not do anything that did not lead to that goal, basically no lovebusters, for a period of time.<p>I think your situation has some hopeful potential with your H going on the anti-deps. You'll have to wait a little to see if it helps, but if it does, wouldn't that be great? And you'd still be at the point where you can continue working on recovery.<p>For me, I wanted to know I had done everything I could, so when it did seem to be the end, I was walking away with no regrets, at least with regard to my effort. I'd given everything I had.<p>Or at least I thought I had, until my H persuaded me into one more try...but this 7th reconciliation, now successful, was definitely worth the effort to me. If it hadn't been, I wouldn't have any regrets for trying. If it all went to crap tomorrow, this has been a good time in my life. Now is good. I really try not to worry for the future and the past is done & unchangeable...and forgiven.

Wow - your story is truly encouraging! I know the road is going to be hard and I honestly believe we can make it - I just have to get him to believe it! <p>My counselor is trying to get me to see that I will be fine without him - That I don&#8217;t need him! We were in the Military for 8 years, he was gone all the time so I pretty much raised the girls by myself but I always knew he would be there in a crunch - Financially we have had a ton of problems and have just in the past year gotten back on our feet (yes, we lived with my parents for a year to do this) but by doing this I think it may have caused a lot of our current problems, I was trying to meet everyone&#8217;s needs, but neglected my H's needs, We are just making it together (financially) and I one of my biggest worries has been &#8220;how the heck am I going to do this&#8221; &#8211; I&#8217;m learning that I will find a way, That I&#8217;m a strong, independent woman and if I have to &#8211; I will. I don&#8217;t need him in my life but want him in my life.<p>Thank you for sharing your story and history &#8211; We can all learn and be encouraged from people like you who have lived through this and have become stronger in the process!