I've been married 2 years, but have recently fallen in love with another man....And I've started to have an affair with him (going on for 6 months). I feel this other man is my soul mate, the love of my life. Looking back, I feel I married my best friend (friends for about 10 years)..I love my husband, but we have no passion...I look at him and see my friend. We never had that "can't keep our hands off each other" stage. Now that I'm experiencing what I am with this other man, I know this is what it should feel like. I feel alive for the first time. I feel happy. I feel that this is what people look for all their lives....<p>I've talked to my husband about what I'm lacking in emotional needs...what I figured out this other person gives me..And he's really tried, but it does nothing for me. No matter what he does, I can't get the other man out of my head & my feelings of love don't increase for my husband. I've tried to stop seeing the other man, but can go no longer than a couple of weeks (because I'm miserable) & I break down & contact him. By the way, he feels the same way about me...and he is single & available.<p>I want to do the right thing. I'm not ready to give up on my marriage...because I believe marriage is a one time thing....but I can't even be intimate with my husband anymore. It's been 5 months since we've had any intimacy. He thinks it's because I'm depressed...when in actuality, I'm depressed because of the situation..that I've allowed myself to fall in love with someone else & now I don't think I can get back the feelings that I once had for my husband. <p>Do I tell my husband everything? Do we need to be "on the same page" to fix this? I keep hoping that his efforts will win back my heart..that I'll suddenly remember how much I love him & that he never needs to know. I don't want to hurt him. If there is a way to fix things without him knowing the whole truth, isn't that best? Why should he have to be hurt with this? Or do I assume that since I'm been trying to make it work this way for 6 months, that it's not going to work & I have to tell him? <p>Is it possible to not tell him? Is it just because I haven't totally cut myself off from the other man...and maybe if I can do this, my feelings will come back without him ever having to know. I'm so afraid that I'll tell him & he'll walk out the door & that only by seeing him walk out the door will my heart know that he was really the one I love & that this other man is just a "newness" thing? But our relationship did not get physical until recently, so I'm 99% sure it's the real thing..and not just a lust thing.<p>My heart tells me that the other man is the one for me. But I've always been a logical person...this is why to this point, I haven't said anything to my husband. I keep hoping to fix my marriage...and haven't made the leap to leave him for this other man....I'm staying for a reason, right??<p>When is the right time to tell? Is there a way to make it less painful when I do tell? Is it best to tell while seeing a counselor?<p>I'm really lost here....Any suggestions would be most helpful. I'm so depressed that I'm sick all the time...And I not only don't want to be intimate with my husband, but I can't...."physically, my body won't allow me to get turned on"...and I feel as though I'm cheating on the other man!! It's to a point where I need to make a decision. I'm hurting my marriage, my husband, myself, and the other man, whose life is on hold...and he waits for me patiently. I'm in a no win situation. I have to hurt someone that I love....what do I do ?<p>Thanks. :co<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]</p>

Is the other man (OM) also married? Either of you have kids? How many, how old?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Other man is not married & has not kids. Is 31
Husband and I have no kids. We are both 30.

lil,<p>Interestingly, there was another woman that posted here years ago who called herself Lost-in-Love. She pretty much did what you did.<p>Your marriage has no chance as long as OM is involve with you. As you say, you cannot have a physical relationship with your H now, yet you say that you have never had the cannot keep your hands off of each other feeling before. Hard to have it, if you won't let it happen isn't it. <p>I have several strong recommendations for you. First, go to the bookstore,or library and get Surviving an Affair by Harley. You will see many of the steps you are going through very clearly written out.<p>Next, you need to tell your H. If you are inclinded toward counseling get some and then devise a way to tell him and do it SOON.<p>I will tell you that the "cannot keep the hands off each other" phase goes pretty fast. Then it comes down to many other things including character. That is questionable here.<p>I will tell you that most second marriages don't make it. Why? because the spouses don't learn why the first failed and do the same thing over again. You say you believe that marriage is a one time deal, but you are two timing your H.<p>So please get that book and do some serious reading. It is very easy reading, although it may be painful to you. Next, you must tell your H. He cannot help you build a better marriage until he knows what is wrong.<p>Finally, if you decide to break it off with OM, you will really need your H. You see what you will feel is very much like withdrawal from an addiction. Hence Harley and others do call this period of time being in "withdrawal". It is painful and your H can help you through it.<p>So do some reading of the articles on this site and then get that book. At that point I think you will know which way to go.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

OK ... thanks for the answers.<p>First thing ... get your depression treated. It is so difficult to make these choices, and near impossible to think clearly when depression takes over! See your physician, and tell him/her everything ... ask to be treated for depression and to be checked for STDs.<p>Is there any addiction or chemical dependency going on currently or in the past? That should be taken care of as well if necessary.<p>Here's my "take" as a BS (betrayed spouse).....<p>You're going to have to choose. You can't have both. (I think it is typical for people in your situation to imagine they CAN have both the H and the OM ... but, it is not possible to do this and maintain your sanity or your integrity) You have to make a choice. Denying or delaying the choice will not be helpful to you. Make a choice.<p>Then, if you have a choice in your marriage, why then does your H not get a choice? If he chose to get married, chances are, he made a choice for monogamy ... now, he is no longer in a monogamous marriage, but he has been robbed of his choice. HE needs a choice too. Stay with you and rebuild, or not. Are you seriously thinking you should disallow him a choice in his own marriage, his own future again?<p>Both of you get to choose. One cannot make an intelligent choice if one is lacking pertinent information. If I were your physician, and I asked you if you wanted a medical treatment, but I neglected to inform you what your diagnosis was ... would you be happy? Would you be able to make a smart choice when you lack critical information?<p>Tell your husband everything. He is at least owed a voice in making one of the most important decisions in his life.<p>He may decide to leave you ...or not. But, it is HIS choice, and for you to rob him of his right to be a partner in deciding his future is very cruel.<p>It won't be easy ... but clearly, what you are doing now is not working, it is wrong, and everyone loses.<p>Tell everything. BOTH of you deserve an informed choice.<p>Good luck, keep your chin up!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

YES, you do need to tell your H. Right now you are basically using him. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's my opinion. I've been at his end and it hurts more than you'll ever know. You may want to enter counseling first, and tell him in front of the counselor...that's what my H did. I will stress that THE LONGER YOU LIE AND THE MORE SECRETS YOU KEEP, THE MORE YOUR H WILL HURT AND THE LONGER HIS RECOVERY WILL TAKE.<p>My H lied to me for 6 years about his affair with my former best friend. They both claimed it was EA only but it still was awful. We were separated for 9 mos and he almost lost his business, as her H was H's partner/best friend.<p>We finally got back together, got LOTS of counseling, prayed, read, etc. and it worked out. It took me about 18 mos to feel 'better.' Well, last summer I found out the truth. They both lied to me to protect themselves and each other. It was sexual, including in MY BED which has devastated me. I had to buy new furniture, change bedrooms around, etc. and I still don't even like my house anymore.<p>As far as the sex not beginning right away, that's because you are involved in an 'entangled or Class II affair.' This is the hardest affair to recover from as it begins with emotional involvement. My H also didn't have sex with her until much later. You really should read the book "Torn Asunder" and you will see that what you are feeling is VERY predictable. You'll also see why it's totally necessary for you to tell your spouse everything he wants to know. It is only if he knows the truth and you completely feel his hurt, rage, anger, etc. that you can properly rebuild your marriage.<p>You have about a 5% chance of staying with this OM. Especially if you don't have counseling, you'll take your problems into that new relationship and with the added guilt of the affair, you don't have much hope of it lasting. It may begin, but it will probably end fairly quickly. <p>My H's other woman cheated on H #1 with H #2 and on H#2 with My H. She has since divorced again which doesn't surprise me. She has not had counseling, nor apologized to me or admitted the affair.<p>I know you truly feel that this is the 'love of your life.' Everyone who's involved in affairs feels that way usually. My H also swore that to be true. He looks back now with so much amazement that he ever said that and knows now that he did not love her.<p>Affairs cause a chemical 'addiction' similar to alcohol/drug addictions. You need to continue seeing that person to get your 'fix.' But sooner or later the real world will enter in and you will see the relationship with all of its faults. If this man is willing to cheat with you on your husband, he will most likely cheat ON you with somebody else. <p>I admire your honesty. Please consider all of the wise advice you will get here. Since it is a marriage builders site, you won't find anybody to tell you to continue lying and seeing the other man. It's just not worth the pain and the guilt you will eventually feel.<p>My H's affair has put me to **** and back. I'm pregnant now and can't take the antidepressants that were just beginning to work and help me to cope, eat, sleep, etc. Infidelity is by far the most painful thing I've experienced, worse than death as death isn't intentional.<p>I truly hope you will read Torn Asunder. The article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com is also great. <p>Please tell your H. You loved him enough to marry him. By the way, being married to your best friend is by far the best thing you'll ever find. You should do the emotional needs questionairre at this site and find out what needs the OM is meeting that I'm sure your H would love to have a chance at.<p>Good luck and keep posting

LIL...<p>Your story is so similar to mine, that H thought it was me posting under another name. I feel compelled to talk with you, but I am in withdrawal myself at this point. I'm afraid it would pretty much be the blind leading the blind, but I just wanted you to know you're SO not alone with your feelings! Take care. <p>IAF

WOW...it's my story all over again. As I told Mrs Funk...it is unfortunate, but it is common. Your story isn't unique, your feelings aren't unique, your situation isn't unique...and this man...is not unique.<p>I was there 2 years...even a year ago. I even "gave up" the OM for months at a time...but I never gave him up totally...not enough to give my marriage a real chance. FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY I saw the light...2 weeks before our divorce was to be final. Things are sooooo different....it's FABULOUS! I LOVE my husband...I am actually IN LOVE with my husband. I love our life together and I LOVE that HE gave ME a second chance. Always seemed the other way around before.<p>Anyway...I hope you will give this board a chance. I have so much more to write to both you and Mrs Funk. I have a sick child and work and a husband in need of some TLC...but I WILL write something for the both of you very soon. I'm going to dig back into my "journal" and see if you can see yourself in what I wrote. I'm SURE you can. And maybe by seeing that it might just give you a glimmer that there is another path...the one that's soooo difficult to see and believe in right now.

Lost,<p>Something you can do to help yourself right away is to go to the top of this page, and right under the Marriage Builders logo, there is a row of links. Click on the Q&A link, and then on the left hand side of that page, click on "How to Survive Infidelity". There you will find a series of columns by Dr. Harley that will answer your most pressing questions. Dr. Harley has been helping couples recover from infidelity for over 30 years and has helped hundreds of thousands of couples. He knows what he is talking about.<p>You may also want to click on the Radio link above and obtain the phone number to call and talk directly to Dr. Harley on his wife's radio show on Monday. He and his wife are very reassuring to talk to. There is also counseling available by following the Counsel link above.<p>[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Thank you everyone for your advice. <p>I'm trying (for the zillionth time!) to have no contact with OM. I've told him that I have to make sure I've done everything I can do to save my marriage...He is very understanding. He tells me that he just wants me to be happy...that he loves me...and that he will be there waiting if I need him. He tells me that he does not want to date anyone else & will wait til I tell him for good that it's over...because he knows I'm the love of his life & he's already found what he's looking for.<p>I still don't know how to bring this conversation up to my husband...or if it's best to try to work it out without telling him the whole truth to spare his feelings. I know that everyone disagrees with this....but why hurt him in this way if I can work it out without telling him??<p>Thanks....

Inafunk....is there a way to talk off line? through email maybe? I'm still trying to figure out how this site works.....<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]</p>

"Why hurt him in this way if I can work it out without telling him?"<p>Because a TRUE marriage is truth-based. What you currently have is a marriage based upon a falsehood. Are you willing to lie to him the rest of your life? If the answer is, "Yes, I am willing to lie to him the rest of his life." ... then why stay married?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lostinlove92111:
<strong>but why hurt him in this way if I can work it out without telling him??</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Are you presupposing that he is not hurting now? Do you think your rejection of him has gone unnoticed by him? I'd be willing to bet big money that he has suspected your infidelity for some time. Nearly all of us "knew" before we knew for sure.<p>WS who have confronted themselves about this matter have recognized that the problem is not so much their reluctance to hurt their spouse with the truth, but it is more about their reluctance to reveal themself as the source of their partner's pain.<p>Assuming you want your M to recover, do you want your H to love and want YOU or someone you have manufactured to avoid revealing the real you?<p>If you won't go to the mountain, I'll bring the mountain to you. From Dr. Harley's Q&A column I urged you to read:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.<p>Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.<p>But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.<p>It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.<p>It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.<p>It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.<p>After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. but lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.<hr></blockquote><p>I challenge you to commit to no contact with the OM for three entire weeks. We will help you. The most intense of withdrawal symptoms happen within the first three weeks of no contact. If you break that and have contact, the clock resets to zero and you have to start all over and go through the worst of it again. It is no wonder you are such a mess if you are doing this for a week or two at a time and then undoing it by resuming contact.<p>One of the most important reasons for telling your H in addition to everything mentioned in Dr. Harley's quote above is that he can HELP you get through the withdrawal period. If you follow the extraordinary precautions suggested in SAA, it will help you get through the withdrawal period. Once you are through withdrawal, your H's efforts to fill your Love Bank will be effective. You will have no idea if Dr. Harley's concepts work if you don't give them a fair trial.<p>[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

lostinlove:<p>"I'm trying (for the zillionth time!) to have no contact with OM."<p>GET HELP!! Counselors AND your H!<p>"I've told him that I have to make sure I've done everything I can do to save my marriage...He is very understanding."<p>Like h*** he is! Or maybe he thinks he is, but by "being there for you" in his position, he'll do nothing but harm to your efforts to rebuild your M.

"He tells me that he just wants me to be happy..."<p>The only way he could help you be happy is to get out of your life while you rebuild your M. Better still would have been to exercise a little restraint in the first place and NOT get involved with you while you are M'd. <p>"that he loves me...and that he will be there waiting if I need him."<p>Wrong message, if he truly cares about you. He doesn't. He cares about himself.<p>"He tells me that he does not want to date anyone else & will wait til I tell him for good that it's over..."<p>Good! Now's your chance! Tell him it's over NOW, and tell him not to try to contact you ever again! <p>"because he knows I'm the love of his life & he's already found what he's looking for."<p>Nonsense. Sorry, but he's lost in a fantasy, as are you, which is why breaking this off is so difficult for you. A man of true integrity would not have gotten involved with a married woman in the first place, and even this one should not be adding to your confusion by saying the things he's been saying to you when you tell him you want to rebuild your M. Again, if he cared at all about you, he'd simply stay away and let you and your H work together. <p>Sorry to appear to come down so hard on you, but I'm really not. I just realize, being a BS myself, what you H is going to go through over the next several months or longer. But do tell him, as others have advised in this thread. Tell him everything, and give him the chance to help you out of your addiction with all the information he needs to do so. Don't talk to your OM again, even if it's just to say something seemingly innocent, like "how are you?" OM is none of your business, as a married woman, and you are none of his business either.

check your email, LIL. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Because you have no chance at true intimacy with this big secret between you. If you read Torn Asunder, you will see that unrevealed affairs lead to stagnation in marriage, and a much higher chance of more affairs. Secrets are also crazy making. <p>I can honestly say that even with all of the pain I've experienced in the past 9 mos, it's better than the uncertainty and uneasiness I sensed in the previous 6 years. You can usually tell when someone is lying to you, and I'm sure your H does suspect something.<p>If you don't tell him now, it will NOT get easier. He deserves to know and then HE can decide what he wants to do. <p>Good luck and keep posting

Interesting......and abit like my story.....only I havent had contact with OM since my H found out and I ended it. It was on its way out anyway, and I knew it.<p>H and I have been going to therapy, we have come a long way... his anger is much much better and coming home is much more enjoyable than it used to be. The only place we really have trouble is the bedroom. I still cannot open up to him sexually. I just don't have the desire for him. He and I are great friends....and we enjoy each others company... I'm not sure why I cant do more.<p>Part of what my affair was all about was to see if it was really just ME....or if I just felt that way about him. I realized that I was able to open up and give my all to the OM.... it was shocking to me, in fact.<p>Sooo, I wonder if any other WS have had this problem??????? I know it hurts the BS to hear this.....

Hi LIL,<p>You're getting a LOT of good advice here... my thoughts on this pretty much are going to echo what you're already hearing...<p>My WW has gone through nearly exactly what you've described for yourself. She was where you are today, about 2-3 months ago. But things are changing. Some of it, I'd like to honestly believe is because of me and what I'm doing... but I'm a realist... a large chunk of what's been going on is that the FANTASY aspect of her A is starting to die off. YOURS WILL TOO. I promise you that. I'll put $10,000 on the line, if you like...<p>The problem is this... you imagine a wonderful, perfect life with OM... but you haven't lived it - and lived it in an environment like that which you'd have in a REAL, honest relationship. And that means the REAL WORLD. With all the slings and arrows of REAL LIFE. And an A's "real life" is way harder than a M's "real life"... because you would have to turn your back on your H, family, lose your reputation, respect, etc. Reality will catch up with you... and your A will die. Nearly all A are done within 2 years - no matter how much you want to hold onto it... because when the passion fades - you've got nothing left to sustain it. You can't sustain it with the deep, devoted love you get from marriage - because you're building your A on deceit and thoughtlessness - no matter how much you want to deny it in your mind... even lies of omission are still lies, and I know you can already think of many, many lies you've had to tell to build your "double life" to make your A work.<p>What I'm trying to say is this: there's no easy way to end it... so just do it... The longer you leave it, the harder it will be for everyone - as you yourself seem to recognize.

Hmmm... well...<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I try to stay away from posts like these, because my story is so long... and I hate having to rehash it... but it's late, my H is still at work (it's 1:41 am, as I begin this) and I find myself drawn to this thread.<p>I'm warning you ahead of time -- I used to be a WS, and my ex-H cheated on me more times that I care to count, so I've been a BS too. After nearly three years on this board, I've grown a bit jaded and harsh... know that this isn't personal... I don't really know you... but I've been in your shoes, and in your H's. <p>That said:<p>The word soulmate makes me want to puke, scream, kick the computer in... you name it, that's what it makes me want to do. <p>You feel "ALIVE". Oh Lord, we ALL said those words.<p>Your OM only "wants what's best for you" and "loves you enough" to let you go, right? Been there.<p>The relationship is not unique, the OM is not unique and your love is not unique. There is "nothing new under the sun" you know, and God sure knew what He was talking about on that one, didn't He?<p>As far as your H goes - dollars to donuts, he knows already. Betrayed spouses usually have "a feeling" something is wrong, but can't put their finger on it. Or maybe they can... remains to be seen with your H. But I'll tell you this -- if you keep hiding this from him, and he finds out before you have the chance to tell him -- it will be 100 times worse. <p>Your H is trying to fix something that he doesn't quite understand. He's fixing the lampshade when it's the lightbulb that's out! <p>I am of the "radical honesty" crowd. You need to find a safe place to tell him (a therapist's office is best)... and you'd better do it SOON!<p>You came here, to Marriage Builder's, for HELP to BUILD YOUR MARRIAGE. You came to the RIGHT PLACE!<p>Begin by taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing your soulmate for what he really is: an opportunistic man who is committing adultery with another man's wife. That will be a beginning for you. He knows your weaknesses, and preys on them. He says the right things to keep you hooked, but he is a presense of evil in your marriage. Cut him OUT!<p>This isn't going to be easy, but you can DO IT, especially with the help of the good people here.

Another word of warning!!!<p>Lil & Mrs Funk, I think it's great that you two have found each other and are going to converse via email. I'ts always nice to have someone to talk to that understands. BUT!!!!!!!! BE CAREFUL! There are two paths here and it's soooo easy to go down the wrong one when you have someone else to validate you. The voices of experience are telling you the TRUTH about your situations....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't "lean" on each other and decide that you know better than those who have been there done that! That's EXACTLY what I did, and I was WRONG...and you would be too.<p>I was posting on a different message board before this one...so I saw it all the time (as well as did it myself). It's difficult to hear things you don't want to believe...it feels so much better to talk to someone who sympathizes and understands.<p>I'm just warning you...not saying not to communicate. It really is good to talk to someone else who is right in the same thick-of-it as you are...just be careful is all!<p>Lil, if it's allright with you I'm going to write down your email addy and send you some of the same stuff I send Mrs. Funk, ok?