It seems to be a common thread that one of the things that causes most A's to end is LB'ing by the OP. I just can't see the OM in my case doing that, though. He's too nice - never seems to get mad at anyone. My question is: won't this take a lot longer to happen than if he was actively LB'ing? Do I have to increase my Plan A/B timeframe accordingly?<p>[ June 04, 2002: Message edited by: Baffled ]</p>

Baffled;
I think you need to worry about what you are doing rather than what the OM might be doing. You cannot control that, you probably cannot know all the details about that.
On the other hand, you CAN control what you do. Stick to your Plan A, improve it, find out what ENs the OM is fulfilling and do the same; better!
These things take time. You cannot count on the OM LBing enough to get your WW back. You have to count on what YOU do.
Hang in there!

Baffled:<p>If anything, going to plan B sooner would cause your W to get bored with OM sooner, if that's what you think would happen. In any case, he'd probably LB at some point during a plan B, and the sooner you "force them" to "live the fantasy full-time" the sooner that's likely to happen.<p>Good luck to you. I'm not suggesting you go to plan B if you're not ready, but it sounds from your other posts that you may be.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Baffled:
<strong> My question is: won't this take a lot longer to happen than if he was actively LB'ing? Do I have to increase my Plan A/B timeframe accordingly?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hello, Baffled,
You seem to have this figured out pretty well....your W's OM has kind of a "low-key" personality. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that he doesn't have irritating habits! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
You know what has to happen. SHE has to get to the end of the A. Remember, most A's do end, and not necessarily b/c of HIS LB'ing! Usually, it's a combination of guilt, remorse, fantasy wearing off, growing "tired" of the newness of the A/the excitement that came with the "secretiveness"....<p>If he's as "color-less" as you describe....it sounds like a pretty BORING existence!!! She might have thought she'd want that (for whatever reason), but she may find out it's just a little TOO boring!<p>WIth that in mind, yes, it may take longer than anticipated to have your Plan A efforts realized. As for your question re- Plan A/B timeframe: If you can hold out, and NOT lose all your love for her, doing a longer Plan A would be best. Remember, too, that Plan B is for when you are losing the last of your love for your WW. As long as you can do Plan A, and still maintain love for her in your heart, the better to show your W that YOU are the "better" alternative for a spouse.<p>Good luck in your efforts....we're all pulling for you!<p>May God Bless,

Good thoughts, all. <p>"Where there is no guidance, the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory." Proverbs<p>My love bank is still pretty full - strangely enough, W still meets many of my ENs. So it's not hard to want to meet hers. So I'm a ways from plan B. I think the advice about not worrying about what he is doing hits home most for me. It helps me most to not think of it as competition, just being the best H I can be.

I'll add my 2 cents, given that I believed for a long time that OM "could do no wrong" - or at least that was what WW wanted me to believe.<p>But facts are facts... he's a person who's more than willing to help her destroy her marriage. That at very least tells me he doesn't understand or appreciate what goes INTO marriage. And it's that kind of ignorance that WILL catch up with him, sooner or later.<p>How? I think it'll manifest itself in the fact that his ignorance / naiveté will NOT allow him to act smartly in this situation. What would be smart? To be calm, confident, and willing to "let her go". Instead, most OP are needy, possessive and jealous - all very unattractive traits in the long run. (Yes, in the short run they might appear flattering, but that's a very short time frame.)<p>I see evidence of this already. LB'ing does occur, even if WW doesn't want to admit it. I've seen at least 2-3 examples of MAJOR blow-outs between them, manifested in things like WW talking with her friend on the phone (overhearing how he's really p****ed her off), even telling me she doesn't really trust him, and her explaining their relationship as very "up and down". Sounds like fun, no? And this is coming from a guy who's very, very much like you described: quiet, shy, and apparently not prone to LB'ing...

Hope so. But when I talked to this guy and told him that W needs to be with her family and leave him, he told me "That's what I tell her all the time. But I can't make her." This guy is good. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> He has no close friends, little conversational skill (except with W), no hobbies (except my W) - she'll eventually go nuts. <hr></blockquote><p>By this comment I wonder how many close friends you have? How many time-consuming hobbies? She may not go nuts because what she may be needing is to be the "center of the universe" to the man she loves. If she's not the center of your universe, then this may be the EN he's fulfilling for her. I know I would not be interested in a man who had so many friends to go places with, do things with, that he never had time for me. I also wouldn't be interested in a man who spent his waking hours tinkering under the hood of a car or fishing or golfing, whatever. <p>What I'm saying is that she may be feeling left out at home and therefore seeking "belonging" some where else. I don't live at your house, so I don't know. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] But I'm just trying to offer potential insight without knowing all the facts. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]