The marriage had gotten worse. My wife had gotten to the point where she was always mad and upset about something. Nice and sweet to everyone else but me. She fought irrationally and was cruel and vicious at times. What was I doing that was so bad? Beats me. I tried books, videos, vacations, romantic events, etc. Nothing helped. Then wham! She comes home and tell me one day that she has been having an affair. I packed my stuff and left. She wanted me to stay and that she has recommitted to marriage and begged forgiveness. Well, because of our two-year-old son I went home to stay. Now...four years later, I still am not doing much better. We get along fine, but there is not much between my wife and I anymore. No intimacy...part my fault, part hers. I am uncomfortable with her still. Holidays and any talk about our marriage hurts me. Without going on and on...I am ready to quit. I know this is marriage builders, but what about the people who don't recover their "love" after an affair. It just seems that I can't. It's not there anymore.

What have you done to "fix" things? What has she done? Did you try any counseling? Have you read any of the information that this site provides? It seems to me you both want a better marriage, but just haven't found the right "formula" for getting it. Maybe it's here!

ditto hope4...<p>Have you read the concepts and principles on the marriagebuilders website? THere is hope for you marriage - to rekindle the love, and keep a family together. <p>There's a few links in my signature line. <p>Get your hands on the books, His Needs, Her Needs ... and Surviving an Affair.<p>Read through the posts here and on the Recovery board to see that there's hope. Learning and implementing a few basic concepts can change your situation dramatically. <p>Divorce is a VERY painful (and expensive) experience - for all involved. <p>There's room for growth and learning in every marriage. Get to work and see what you can do!

You said:<p>"I am uncomfortable with her still"<p>Can you be very specific about what you mean by uncomfortable? Wary? Angry? Nauseated? What exactly do you mean, and what brings on those uncomfortable feelings? You might try to do some introspection on yourself ... you seem like a nice enough guy, but really walled off and emotionally closed.<p>You said:<p>"She was always mad and upset about something"<p>Women appear mad when they feel hurt. What is hurting her? Ask her. And just listen, without commenting.<p>What is your greatest assest you bring into this marriage? Use the good stuff you are already doing ....and build from there.<p>You have to begin where you are, not where you wish you were.<p>Keep talking ... don't give up here too! Are you going to have the courage to post more here? Hope so [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

We are both Christians...was attending church regular when affair occured. We both went to counseling for a while...I got frustrated because it seemed the affair had nothing to do with me, what I was or was not doing. I never really got a hint of "why" it happened. I do know that my love for wife was very strained before affair, and when the affair happened it snapped. Many people on here when they learn of affair go into the "save my marriage" mode, I have never had that. My only goal has been to get along, and in four years have never felt love for wife or "want" to have more with her. Am so afraid I am going to live rest of my life just "getting along" and never have a true "husband and wife" relationship again. If I really can't change things, I am afraid my son will be affected by living in a house where he doesnt see love between his mom and I.

You and your wife don't really know each other very well, do you?<p>Why did you marry her? What made you fall in love with her?<p>Are either you or your wife from broken homes?<p>
Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

I guarantee your son IS being affected by this NOW.<p>It really sounds like two people so full of pain that they aren't willing to let down any walls to let the other get close. You'd be surprised how different your marriage COULD be if you'd let it. I assume you married your wife for a reason? What was it that attracted you to her? I have a hard time believing you are absolutely sure you are done with your marriage...otherwise why would you be here? I hope you stick around and keep asking questions...the way you are currently living has to be miserable.

H&G,<p>You say: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Many people on here when they learn of affair go into the "save my marriage" mode, I have never had that. My only goal has been to get along, and in four years have never felt love for wife or "want" to have more with her. <hr></blockquote><p>May I ask why you did not go into the "save my marriage" mode?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know this is marriage builders, but what about the people who don't recover their "love" after an affair. <hr></blockquote><p>You say you have never wanted to have more with her. Recovering love doesn't just happen. Couples have to work harder than they have worked for anything in their lives to MAKE recovery work. If you don't sacrifice to make it work, it won't happen.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Am so afraid I am going to live rest of my life just "getting along" and never have a true "husband and wife" relationship again. <hr></blockquote><p>You won't have a true H and W relationship again if you are not willing to go all out - whatever it takes - to improve your relationship.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If I really can't change things.. <hr></blockquote><p>You can't change your W, but you definitely can change YOU, and that just might cause her to want to change.<p>Here's a challenge, H&G. What is something your W really appreciates? Pick ONE thing. Do that thing more often. Don't make a big deal about it. You just do it. After a couple of weeks, add another need of hers that you try to meet. Don't let her know what you are doing. In a month, let us know how things are going.<p>Since it seems that both of you want to keep your family together, it is worth the fight of your life to make it work.<p>Don't give up. Don't let your pride get in your way. The result of your efforts may surpass your highest expectations.<p>Best wishes,
Estes

Hi, <p>Want another opinion? Try reading the book, his needs/her needs and Give/Take. Surviving an Affair may also be helpful. <p>Sounds like there are unresolved issues here. The Harley's talk about 'rekindling the love you once had'. Is that an option? It might not seem like it right now, but please read those books first. <p>Also, take the emotional needs questionnaire. Might be an eye opener. It is located in the concepts section under the MB logo at the top of this page. <p>Then let us know what you think. <p>Believe it or not, you are not the first here feeling that way. <p>L.

I appreciate everyone's comments. To me the affair was the last straw. I had put up with way too much before affair. Probably should've went to counseling very early on in marriage. Since affair I haven't had the "want to" to save my marriage, or the "want-to" to try to be in love with wife again. I feel bad for that. Like something's wrong with me. I feel guilty for not being able to get over it. I don't hate my wife. I think she is a good person. A good mom. BUT...we aren't close to normal. For example, during the past year...We don't kiss, hug, hold hands, have sex (no sex in one year), spend alot of time together...etc. We just live together and get along and take care of son. When I told her I wanted a divorce a few months ago. She said she thought we were fine and didn't know anything was wrong. That's sad.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HoseaandGomer:
<strong>When I told her I wanted a divorce a few months ago. She said she thought we were fine and didn't know anything was wrong. That's sad.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Gomer,<p>Yes, it's sad. But, my H and I were "there" too. NO sex for a year, or more. NO, it's not normal, but it's simply a sign that something is wrong. Doesn't mean the feelings can't be ignited again....just means they are not there now. <p>The question for YOu to answer is, do you want to? You indicated that you do not want to. Lots of recovered couples here have been in that place, but turned things around eventually. Would you be willing to TRY for a period of time? If your W was willing to try, too? Yes, it's probably true that you are both hurt, that you have both hurt each other. But that still doesn't mean that you can't rekindle the love you once had. Others have done it. Only you can decide if you WANT TO.<p>From a strictly christian standpoint, YOU KNOW that God wants you to! For that reason alone, obedience, I would think you would be willing to try. Try some of the suggestions you have been given here....as Estes said, try taking ONE of your W's EN's and meet it UNCONDITIONALLY for a couple of weeks. See if that has any effect. If it does, do some more, add another one, or talk to each other about it....<p>What's wrong with counseling now? Sometimes it takes a nuclear blast to move us, and an A is just like one. Now that your "foundation" has been shaken, why not rebuild a better building to house your M?<p>May God Bless you both,

HoseaandGomer,<p>You know as man in faith you can not divorce your wife ?. You take her back after her adultery, you can not use that reason to divorce her now. If you divorce her you should not have EA/PA w/ any woman or remarried.<p>You have to sit down and think hard what do you want ?. What you have now is a stale M. If you want a fullfilling M, loving and caring M, Dv is not the answer. Learn as much as you can about MB. In MB, you are the one who is responsible for your wife' love for you !!!. It is your responsibility to fill in her Love Bank to the maximum. As a husband, we have been comanded to fullfill our wife's emotional needs.<p>Ask her if she is willing to try MB. Get MB conseling if you could afford it or you could do it yourself. Get the books that Orchid sugested, print out ENQ, LBQ and RAQ. Read and do it together.<p>IMVHO, you should change your screen name. You are not a holly man that you never think about other woman. In HIS EYES, a sin is a sin, lusting your neighbor's wife or girl next door is an adultery. Neither your wife is a low life prostitute that had a child from straying. I say this not to offend you but as brothers in Christ. What comes out from your tounge is a reflections of your heart. Be gentle to your wife, Christ washes our sin with His Blood, ALL SIN. Past, present and future as long as we live in His way. Pray and ask Him to show you His grace so that you could shine and be like Him.<p>Married is an equal partnership -RH-

HoseaandGomer, I don't have to tell you that in this life we ALL have to do things that we do not want to do BUT MUST do because we acknowledge that they are important.<p>If you divorce your W without even trying your best to restore your love for her, you may find that you made a mistake. Your W will always be a part of your life whether you like it or not because you share one thing in common: Your son. <p>How will you then feel when you see your W in the arms of her new H everytime you pick up or drop off your son?.<p>I would suggest that you read some of the stories of people that divorced their spouses and later regretted their decision. They are very sad indeeed.<p>Good luck.<p>Joe

Gomer-
it seems to me that you did not completely work through your feelings after you found out about the A. you need to work the the anger, sadness, and self blame. i am not sure how to exactly do this, as i am hoping to do this too myself, but maybe some good counseling, for you alone. <p>are you convinced that she is remorseful of the A? i know i will feel better when i am sure my H is. <p>God wants you 2 to be together-and he also want you to be happy. that is what he intended for you life.<p>m=5yrs
d-day=4-20-02
son=4, daughter=due in june