After 9 monts of trying to save my Marriage, a not so good Plan A, a much better, although short Plan B, and
finally giving up after WS left me 3 times for this OM, my stbx appears to maybe be starting to come out of the
Fog.<p> She has been alittle more friendly the last couple of days, and this morning when I dropped off the children, we
actually had a normal conversation.
What threw me is that she made some comment about not being 100% sure that our marriage is over, I did not
reply as this was the first good conversation, mainly about the children, we have had in many, many months. She
is still with OM, she has given no indication that there is problems with OM (in fact just the opposite), no
indication that she wants to work on things, etc. Just the comment that she was not 100% sure she wanted the
marriage over, she is learning things on her own, and needs more time. She also said she didn't expect me to wait
for her and that I should continue to move on in my life without her.<p> Although I still love her, I have given up on this marriage, I am no longer putting any effort into trying to fix things
between us. There has been so much hurt.<p> Have anyone seen this, is it just confusion on her behalf? Is she getting scared as our divorce day is approaching,
is it that since I am finally letting go it is starting to have an effect on her? The last thing I want to do is to get
hurt again, I am finally recoving and having more good days than bad, I don't want to go backwards however I do
still love her. I guess that I just continue to let things go and have no hope for the marriage, but on the other
hand I think about what could be if things worked out, I certainly did not do the best Plan A. I am not sure where
to go from here, I had planned on trying to start dating and moving my life forward without her. Any advise would
be appreciated.
Confused,
Dave

Wow, I can see why you are confused, and I can understand giving up on the marriage because I'm sure you don't want to try again only to be hurt and dissapointed. BUT - it does sound like she is having doubts about where she's heading.
If she brings it up again - maybe you need to tell her how you are truly feeling, that you do love her. Maybe you just need to be honest with her about it without her bringing it up again.
I would definitely plan A your heart out. No matter the outcome, you will be a stronger person for it. I know that my plan A'ing is never over. My H and I have totally recovered now, although we never actually separated, and I'm plan A'ing everyone for the rest of my life now - it just feels so good!!
I do think the fog is lifting somewhat for your W though. Perhaps someone closer to this kind of situation will be able to help you more than I.

This is VERY typical behavior. When you start to withdraw and heal and get to the point of acceptance is USUALLY the time they turn around and say "hey, where'd he go?".<p>I think you should continue on your road to recovery "acting as if..." the divorce will go through. You need to show her what divorce will be like so she can decide if that is what she really wants. She is already second guessing. Not because of your Plan A but because of your Plan B and C. You did your best Plan A, she knows you love her... I'm glad you didn't do a perfect Plan A because that would be a false sense of what reconcilation will be like. You did your best Plan A with room for improvement, showing your faults. That is what the marriage/reconcilation will be like not perfect just striving for your best.<p>the divorce is not final until August. Wait until the end of July to initiate a conversation if you chose. I think before then, she will initiate it. Give her a chance to figure it out and come back so this time she will know SHE DECIDED it on her own.

Dave,<p>This is typical of the fence-sitting that a WS will go through during an affair. The only piece of advice that I would give you is that Plan B is usually for 12-18 months, and this coincides with the time it takes for most affairs to fall apart.<p>If you are comfortable with being divorced in August, then move ahead. If you'd prefer to let it back-burner for a while, then do that. If your wife comes to you with a real willingness to work on the marriage---then listen to her. But right now, you should be in self-protection mode.

Thanks everyone.. I think I should just continue on my current path, I don't think I can handle getting hurt again, okay, I can handle it but want to avoid it. Either of us can file for divorce after Aug 04, it will be interesting to see if she is the one that files. I have told her all along that since it was her decision to end the marriage, she should be the one that files. I cannot contest it if she does file. I will remain in self protection mode and see what the future brings, but will not plan on anything but recovery for myself.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Wait until the end of July to initiate a conversation if you chose. I think before then,
she will initiate it. Give her a chance to figure it out and come back so this time she will know SHE DECIDED it on her own.<hr></blockquote> I think this is great advise, our previous attempts at reconciliation failed because she did not do this on her own, she felt pressured to do it from me and "society". Although when she was back she wrote me the nicest Valentines day card stating what a mistake this once, how she always loved me and thanked me for all the support and sticking by her through all of this. It was like the fog temporarly cleared but unfortunately it only last a short time as the front moved back in and the fog came back.
Take care,
Dave

Hello again my friend!
I agree with most of the advice you've gotten thus far. If things are going to work out it has to be her coming back and wanting to work on things. You will know when or if that happens, because it will be more than just a resonably friendly conversation.
I never was sure how recovery would quite be in my situation. As my wife said it was a process (not without a few painful false starts) as she came out of the fog, something she had to decide on her own. Hopefully your wife is starting the process, but remember even if she is there isnt anythign you can do to help since you are still in plan b/c, so keep working for yourself.<p>Good luck! My prayers are still with you and your children.<p>-HI

Thanks Al, glad to hear that things are still going well for you, hopefully there are no more false starts are you are in true recovery. I want to be optimistic but if I am I am just setting myself up for more pain... I just need to continue as if she will never come back.. if she does then I will make that decision then.... untill then I continue my life without her..
Take care,
Dave

Well today the wicked bixch of the east was back on her broom. I caught hell for being nice this morning when dropping of the kids. All i did was say hi and ask how things were going. So much for being friendly.... Why do I even put myself though this... I must enjoy being hurt....maybe I am the one in the fog... Now I feel like shxt today. I know that I need to go back to Plan C, I was doing so well, I guess there will be alot of ups and downs yet. This must be how a drug addict feels, you go for a long time without it(her), you start doing better and then one hit of the drug and you fell like you are back to square one. I guess I need to treat myself like I have an addiction and just stay the hexl away from her. Thanks for letting me vent.
Dave

Sorry for your run-in with the witch this morning. Do you have bruises from the broom-handle on your head? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anytime I've broken Plan B, I get hurt. It sends me whirling into trying to figure out why he's being nice - or I get hurt when he's hateful. Also, a little tidbit of info about his life only makes me want to know more - where is he? what's he doing? is the A over? It's just safer to keep your distance, right? You know that... I'm just letting you know, I know how you feel. I'm so thankful we don't have kids to work around (drop-offs, sports, b'days, etc.)<p>Hang in there!!

Sorry to here it bud,
You have the right idea, even if you do give in sometimes. Be strong for yourself. If she truely wants to come back, she needs to prove her intentions to you, it cant come from you looking for it from her. <p>Good luck!
If you throw water on her does she melt?<p>-HI

Thanks!!! No bruises on my head from the broom handle, just my ego. However about 3-4 weeks ago before I stated Plan C, I look her in the eyes, told her I was sorry for everything that I did wrong in our marriage, for not meeting her ENs, and that I couldn't continue to be hurt. I tried to hold her hand and tell her that I loved her, I got a slap in the face for that one... another lesson learned! Do understand how you hit someone period, especially someone that you once loved and is the father of your children, guess it just shows what the mental state she is in.
Faith... thanks for the advice, I do know this but thanks for the reminder, sometimes it is good to hear this from someone else. It is funny that the BS has the need to know everything, I guess to holding on to some hope, I guess when you finally let go of everything you just won't care anymore about every detail, I am sure that you will always care for the well being of that person but you won't need to know every detail, especially about the OP. Your signature line reads very close to mine, I am sorry for that, all of these move in/outs really hurt but sounds like you doing well.<p>Al- Maybe I should try the bucket of water and see if she melts, my guess would be yes but I am not that luckly, just kidding.. I know that any reconciliation has to come from her and this time she would really have to prove it to me and I would really need to have my head examined if I say yes. Until such a time, I need to stay completely away and not get suckered into ANY conversations except for the children. I know the end result every single time - me getting hurt - that is one rule that has not been broken once in the last 9 months, stupid me for thinking there might be an exception!
Take care,
Dave