Ok here goes - d-day 10-12-01 -husband told me about affair - I has semi suspected not really - said it was over on 11-29-01 intercepted phone message from OW - still in contact - I said either me or her he stayed home (long story short version) - Now on to new circumstances - Have bascially been living in hell off and on more so on since 11-30 - because I didn't trust, to clingy, snoopy etc... had good days and bad days... He was mean, angry, went out alot to test me to see if I trusted him.. basically put me through hell... I have never seen the cell phone since then either... So now on 3-12-02 he said I have to leave there is no one else but I can't live like a child - I am not in love with you - etc. etc. etc. We have grown apart etc. - I don't know what I want, I never said that and Don't ask have become the favorite phrases.. Anyways after three weeks I said either come home or forget it because it was to much living with I Dont Know.. Came home was moody as hell going out all of the time distant - just like when having the A - but still said trust me I am not doing anything.. Then this weekend he was home alone and I hit redial on the phone and got his cell number and voice mail pin # BINGO I was in.. I was gonna check on his messages on Sunday to make sure I could trust him once and for all - Well 4 messages from lady next door - last message - Hi hon its me I wanted to hook up but I guess we arent going to - I really wanted to... Devestation - He said they are just friends etc.... So now he wants a divorce because - 1 - I will never trust him, People look at him in shame, Etc. Sell the house everything - I am a wreck - he is essentially putting all the blame on me... Does everyone do this??? Was I wrong to jump to that conclusion... I talked to the neighbor she said I didn't sleep with you husband but you should talk to your husband not me??? Am I crazy.. he is living with me - until we divorce - Am I crazy did I over react - Do all WS blame everything on all BS Please help... Loosing Sanity...

Maw:<p>I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know how sad, angry, and confused you must be. <p>In answer to one of your questions, NO, you're not over-reacting to the cell messages from neighbor (or your H's other actions). You have EVERY RIGHT to be suspicious and mistrustful at this point, and your husband knows that. Blind trust in him would be crazy after he proved he's not trustworthy! Sounds like he's baiting you. <p>As many of the BS here could testify (including me), often the WS first response is DENY, DENY, DENY - until confronted with physical evidence that they're lying. Some never do admit to the real/whole truth. Sad, but true.<p>Obviously I can't say whether or not your H is still having an affair, or an "inappropriate relationship" with the neighbor or anyone else, but ANY woman would be suspicious in your circumstances! <p>Considering his past, he should be totally open with you concerning his whereabouts and all activites. That's a MUST in marriage, in my opinion -- especially after infidelity. DO NOT let him place the blame for his choices on you! <p>Read all you can here. Post all you can here. There are so many here who know exactly what you're going thru, and it'll help to know you're not alone and you're not crazy!<p>Don't forget to take care of you in all the chaos!<p>God Bless,<p>at peace

Thank you at peace.. See I can't say that he is or isn't having another affair this would be #2 but he can't expect me to trust him when he is sneaking behind my back.. I don't want my marriage to be over but everyone thinks I am nuts... He just wants out - and why I don't know. And not knowing the truth is driving me crazy.. Just tell me the truth so I can process it through good or bad.. We have already decided to get a divorce... You know... Well has decided to get a divorce... I don't see how the truth could effect this outcome anymore... Thank you for responding... I just need to talk to people who have been through the same thing you know.....

Trust your instincts. I've read that over and over here and just didn't want to but, last thurs. found out my H affair was never over. I finally went thru his stuff and found evidence. He would deny also even tho he wasn't mean to me so it thru me off but I knew something wasn't right so if you feel it in your gut it may be true. I'm sorry for your pain, it's the most horrible thing to ever go thru and not being able to trust the person you should be able to really sucks. dbd

Only when HE makes actions to reassure you will you know that his affair is over.<p>My wife changed cellphones, ensured I could see call logs and stopped having a PIN on her phone.<p>She began calling me to account for her whereabouts.<p>Effectively making strides to re-establishing a tolerable level of trust.<p>Trust your gut. And work out at what point in the future you will have the strength to move on for yourself.

maw,<p>Of course you can't trust an untrustworthy person - that would be insane. You have a responsibility to check up on his activities to protect yourself since he has not been protecting you. He is doing nothing to rebuild that trust, but is further destroying it in some kind of sick game. And then he blames *YOU* for catching him in his deceit. He can't expect the same level of trust that is afforded a trustworthy person, he doesn't deserve it. So don't let him play that sick little game with you. When he accuses you of not trusting him, just agree with him and tell him of course you don't - you would be an idiot to trust an untrustworthy person.<p>In the meantime, please read as much as you can on this website to arm yourself for Plan A and possibly a plan B. And just know that there are alot of folks here to support you.

Well thank you to everyone - Day by Day but I am not sure what my instincts are - at this point he gets me so confused - gets me thinking this is all my fault.. And manfromtheuk he has hid his cell phone from me since 11-30-01 but I can go on line and see who he is calling but I cannot track incoming calls - this new lady is different from the original affair - he says that my neighbor and him would just hook up for coffe and talk about our and her problems innocently and I blew it all out of proportion... Now things are really bad because the realtor said we can't sell the house for as much as he thought so we might be stuck living together or walking away with no bills but no extra start up costs - he is really nasty - MelodyLane yes I don't think I should trust him either but basically he is offended by that.. he says that we can never make it work because I won't get over his affair yet just when I semi start to trust him he is hooking up secretly behind my back "talking to the neighbor" - I feel like I am living in a constant hell - Kind of like a Dynasty episode with no glitz and glamour - I cannot take much more... he also says he feels shame when he drives down the street and when he sees members of my family.. And like that is my fault - He cheated on me.. he has totally lied to me for about a year... I don't know what to do. Thank you all for you replys...

Let him go until he's interested in fixing what he broke. Read up on Plan A. Live YOUR life. Ignore him except for what you need to do Plan A. If he wants to leave, let him leave. Just work on no LBs for now. Don't waste your time and energy checking up on him. You already know what you need to know. As UK said, you'll know by his disclosure and honest and open behavior that he's ready to leave his secret second life behind.<p>It took me a while to not buy into my H's "logic" as well. Now I look back, and it is crystal clear how he was abusing me and manipulating me. Better to detach and take care of yourself until he decides to get real.

Conqueror you are correct totally...Last nite he never came home called me at 3:00 am to let me know he was at his brothers house.. Nice huh?? but at least for once he called - I have to basically stop talking to him except for on a needed basis and just stop asking him what about our life together... He is not ready to deal with anything about us - as far as he is concerned there is no us because I will never trust him and I will never get over his affair - I am a major LB'er I just can't help I always have the need to know where I stand - which I gotta tell you right now is no where... But I don't want him to go - I think we have to much to throw away - but you are right I am going to detach and work on myself and my two girls..... they are 9 and 12 and not stupid by any means... Thanks for your support..

If you haven't read up on the Last Resort Technique from The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, I'd say do that right away. Skip to that part of the book. It will give you a concrete specific plan to hang on to, and it is probably the best way to deal with a situation like yours. It helps you feel better right away to be DOING something, especially for yourself, and in many cases, it has a positive effect on the spouse as well.

Conqueror - thank you I will check into it.. But I guess now I just have to face reality... He wants a divorce - I don't know what happened - I don't know why it happened - but it is definately happening and I now have to deal with it head on... It is over - He is calling realitors today... We built the house only two years ago and I am very sad... Divorce scares me when I still love him and can't imagine my life without him - but I really don't have a choice.... Thank you