W was late for work yesterday. Called at 9:20 a.m. to say that traffic was bad and she was going to be late. She usually calls me when she arrives to work. 9:20 a.m. and she hadn't called I had a meeting so I called her and left a voicemail advising that i had a meeting and would probably miss her call. 10:45 a.m. she calls and said that she noticed i called her on he cell phone and wanted to call me back. No big deal, but I knew that she had done something that morning. I decided to ask her this morning what she done and she wouldn't tell me. it was only after i told her that i knew she didnt get to work until 10:00 a.m. that she told me she talked to someone. She then admitted that she went to see and attorney and get information. i asked if she filed and she said no, she just went to get information. i told her i was hurt that she feels she has to continue lying to me. i told her i am being honest with her about everything. gosh just dont know what to do anymore. i am going to continue trying to save my marriage. she is looking for an apartment to move out but I am going to keep trying until she actually leaves. I hope and pray she doesn't.

Hi Hopenden,
I read through your previous thread from last week as well.<p>Certainly I may be wrong, but your wife is giving all the buzzwords of continuing contact: needing space, time, a separation, to think, doesn't know if she loves you, has stopped saying she loves you, not telling you her plans, seeing a lawyer, looking for an apartment.<p>You should probably see a lawyer as well, not to file, but for legal information about kids, finances, housing.<p>If it comes to separation, separation is not necessarily the end of the marriage.<p>Of course, you do not want 7 separations like my H & I did before we were able to reconcile into recovery. I did Plan A for 18 months through the first 5 reconciliations/separations. Probably a little too long, but I made my decisions as I went along, and that is how it went.<p>Separation is very difficult. My H didn't mind staying in contact with me, and actually I found Plan A to be a little easier while separated than during some of the failed reconciliations, because I could control my anger on the phone or for a couple hours in the evening much better than I could around the clock.<p>As you are seeing, it is upsetting & confusing to live with someone who is not truthful, not honest, not forthcoming. It can drive you crazy.<p>The other benefit, if there is such a thing, is that the household tension decreases. If you meet to talk, you've chosen to do that, you aren't forced by proximity while together in the house.<p>You can't force her to stay if she chooses to go. But, she isn't out the door yet, so my advice to you would be to be the best Hopenden you can for this time, Plan A, no lovebusters.<p>I'm sure you'll be upset tonight, and sometimes a WS pushes the BS's buttons until they blow up and then use that blow up as the reason to leave. My H was pretty good at that...or else I had too many hair-trigger buttons.<p>If she moves out, you can decide then what you want to do next, if you want to continue Plan A or if you need to do something else.<p>Sometimes you have to let go, open the cage door as Dobson says in Love Must Be Tough.<p>I can tell you for sure that begging, crying, any kind of martyr behavior doesn't work. Nor does throwing up (2nd sep was a doozy).<p>Collect your wits, collect your love, collect your compassion, collect your dignity--those are the things you want your wife to see.

Just a quick note to let you know that my H and I were separated for 9 mos. It actually helped to save our M after his affair. It was hard at first, but worked for the best and we are still together 6 years later. He also saw a lawyer when he wanted the OW, but never filed. Thank God. Just wanted to let you know that there can be positive outcomes from a separation!

thank you lor and maggierose for your insight. it is good to hear that a separation can be positive. i am so scared that a separation will be the end of us. w read my post and your replies and said it was all stupid. think she was just upset. said that "i have to let her go." i told her i just want the truth. she said she is not talking to om or any m. she is just so angry and so very hurt, that she needs to leave. she says she just keep getting more and more angry with me. she doesn't believe that the changes i have made will last. says she has seen them before and i keep it up just long enough for her to stay. she said she doesn't want to be hurt anymore. i told her this is different. i have truly changed and love her so much. i know now what i was doing wrong and the counseling we were getting has helped me see my part in what went wrong. she did point out that it was said that a separation could be positive not all negative. said that she is not going to date or go out all the time like i think. she is going to use the time to get herself together and see what she wants. says she has to do this for her. i told her i love her and understand that she feels she must go. i just told her to quit lying when she has to do things. just tell me the truth. she said she will. she just felt that if she told me that she was going to see a lawyer i would have become upset and not let her go. guess i understand her concern.

After a bad start yesterday, i think W and I ended the day well. i explained to W that MB site has alot of good info and posting here has helped me understand A's and what goes through WW and BS minds due to them. i suggested to her that she post and get info on how she is feeling, get others opinions and advice on her feelings. she said not everyone is the same so what worked for one may not for another. i told her yes, but the info is good here and there are so many people that have and are going through the same issues as us and having the same feelings. again, i just explained to her how this site has helped me. i hope and pray she tries posting. she said she still feels like separating because all of the bad memories over the years are coming out. when we do certain things or when sits and thinks the memories of me never being there, the physical abuse, and the drinking come back. then she gets very angry about it. she said she just keeps remembering. i suggested that while we are still together and before separating, why not try seeing a counselor or psychiatrist on how to deal with these memories and the hurt and anger they cause either on her own or i am willing to attend with her. i suggested that we try everything possible before separation, it should be our absolute last resort. she didnt agree or disagree just listened. i keep hearing that she is just so incredibly hurt and angry she feels she has to separate and try to work through things on her own. again i just reassured her that i love her and don't want a separation, i still believe we can work things out, but i understand her feelings and her decision to separate.

w is going to look at some apartments tonight. i am hurt but understand. she said that she is very hurt and has to do this, says she doesn't love me the same right now. is that normal? to me that feels like she is going forever, that we will be done for good. that scares me. i just feel like this separation is going to end our marriage. looking for advice from former or current WW out there? how did you feel when you separated? i feel like this is not hurting her at all. like she is going to be just having a ball without me. like i am the only one hurting and not wanting this separation.

still seeking insight on separation