i have been doing the darndest, and our relationship is better, he says he loves me, and he doesn't know what he wants. He says he is sorry, that there was never any closure to his affair with the stripper [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] So we are semi seperated, he is going to do his own thing while we get our money in order then we (he) will make a decision whether to stay or go in september. Does anyone think I should make the decision before then to show him im serious. What now.

Hi cloudy,
Sorry about your pain, and I know plan A is hard in the face of everything going on. Keep up the good work on it. Dont forget plan A is also about self improvement and self reliance as well as meeting the spouse's needs. <p>Anyway onto your post You said there was never any real closure... is he willing to try? Have you two been to a marriage counselor? It can be hard to find a good one, but if you do it can help. Unfortunaly sometimes it takes an outside party to knock some sense into our spouses.<p>If you are asking if you should make the desicion to divorce before he does, I dont really think that solves anything.You can let him know you will let him do it if HE really wants it, but I dont think you should say you are interested in divorce if you arent, and if you are in plan A. Because if you show him YOU have no faith in the marriage how can he?<p>How long was the A going on? How long have you been plan A'ing? Have you read surviving an affair? Its a great book and can help give you a plan to sort out your life in this time of chaos.<p>Hang in there!
-HI

Thank you for writing, the EA has been going on for at least 9 months, i was told it only went pa about november 02 they have continued the ea and we (he) thinks that a seperation would help. however, he wants to live in the house. i told him to live with her (HAHA) he says he can't and won't, because he doesn't like her kids or whatever, she has been married 5 times, is living with # 6 and cheating with # 7 and they are soul mates. I am reading surviving an afair, ws promised to in December when i caught him, still hasn't done it. I am at the end of my rope. I know he is seeing her today, his work makes it possible for him to do what ever he chooses. I will keep coming here for advise. I started paxil yesterday, no change yet. I hope I can keep it together for my kids. Thanks again

I don't know how to send replys unless its in the same thing If you can help sunnyday19672202@yahoo.com thanks

Cloudy,
That works for a reply.. if you like I can e-mail you too.. My e-mail is hangingin_mb@yahoo.com, but I dont check it terrible consistently.<p>Anyway back to the matter at hand...
Goodness.. OW sounds like a real winner.
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
Have you guys tried seeing a counselor it seems ANYONE with an outside view would be able to tell your dear H how much of a mistake he is making.<p>Well a GOOD many WS' often say they want time alone to "think things through" but often thats just BS. most of the time they just want to have their A without feeling guilty when coming home. Harley even says something to that effect in his book. <p>It IS easier to have an effective plan A I think if the WS is home... more opportunity to meet the needs. but it isnt easier on us as BS'.... it hurts like hell to see it going on in our faces.<p>I dont want to give any marriage changing advice because im not a counslor by any means. But Im thinking harley might call for a plan B in your case. Because the fantasy world you H lives in now has so many holes in it even your H knows it couldnt work. Now he is being what some call a "cake eater" I think. Has his A and you too.. ever think about doing a plan B w/o divorce to start?<p>I really think a MC might help.<p>Prayers are with you. Stay strong!<p>-HI

thank you for the message, yes, i have suggested a counselor, and talked to his preacher. He is just defensive, says, "everyone says she is a slut" (and she is) i just need time to figure this out. I am trying to be patient, but i am so sad. And frankly i am scared to death. I have thought about a plan b (seperation) he picked the date sept.3 I just don't know, i feel like you said he wants to be able to have his fun and then come home and say you said i could. so whats the problem now. I hope i can do this. It has been bearable while i am working (very busy at school this time of year) but summer vacation is coming and i don't know what to do with all that time to think and dwell on it. Probably a paxil moment [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] thanks for the prayers, much appreciated.