My H couldn't do anything better. He calls me when he leaves work. He comes right home, we have dinner together. We watch tv together either sitting together on the couch or laying in bed. He will watch my programs some he doesn't like but watches anyway. We go every where together. He tells me he loves me, buys my flowers, helps with housework. When I ask him questions he answers them. He seems to be doing everything right. And all is good until I get a trigger, then I start doubting why he wants to stay. Maybe he is only staying because he feels guilty. How come he never contacted her again. He said he wanted to end it before I found out, but she would have haunted him and she had told someone else she would tell me. He says he never loved her, and he knows he loves me and I'm the one he wants to be with. He is going to start IC because of childhood issues and how it is difficult for him to be emotional. If it is all going right why do I question my choice to stay. If I get a trigger I just want to end it kinda make him suffer the consquences of his actions. Is this normal? Will I get past this?

Strongerthanyesterday<p>I cannot answer most of your questions. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in questioning yourself, your spouse, and both your decisions.<p>My H does the same thing. From what I have seen around here, I think it is pretty normal, part of the process. Though it is hard to deal with, both as a BS and as a WS. Although he doesn't always tell me what is going through his mind, I know that my H questions all those things everyday.<p>You said that your H was going to start IC. What about you? Are you in IC? Are the two of you doing MC? <p>Sorry I cannot help you more. Just know that you are not alone.<p>Regretting

Very normal. I was in almost the same place at around 3 months. You have been wounded in the worst possible way, and to me at least, you just don't heal that quickly. You definitely can get past this. Are you familiar with Plan A. If not, I'd suggest that you get a copy of SAA and in the meantime, read the introductory material on this website. This process takes time.<p>Plan A is about YOU. Making the changes to yourself that you have been needing to make. For example; change your attitude towards your husband. Make the committment to love him (do this every day). Do the things that the committment requires. Are there things in your life that you have let go? Are you in the kind of physical shape you'd like to be (or used to be)? Have you given up a hobby or other activity that used bo be fulfilling for you?<p>Become the person that you want to be! You will benefit whether or not your H joins you (and it sounds like he has!). He will benefit because you are beginning to love the person you are which enables you to love him all the more.<p>Know that you will have good days and bad days. Rejoice in the good ones, but expect the bad ones. When having a bad day, remember a good one (or even a good hour). You know there will be more good ones coming. And it does get better. Time (as hard as it is to hear) is your friend. "One day at a time" is a motto that you need to adopt.<p>Go STY!!!

Stronger,
Your fears & triggers are normal.<p>It sounds like your H is doing very good things, ending the A, the accountability, spending time with you, starting counseling.<p>As these trustworthy behaviors continue and no new suspicions, oddities happen, you can get past the triggers and fears, if you allow yourself. It takes time, and the amount of time varies greatly with BSs, but it does really help if there are no new wounds--like additional contact, more D-days.<p>Time is kind of hard to wait for, but it will show whether or not he's being honest with you. At a year, you'll feel much better. I'm near 2 years of recovery, and different from you I had 18 months of bad times AFTER discovery (so more & deeper wounds were incurred) to get to recovery, and I'm feeling pretty normal about my marriage a lot of the time.<p>Time passes no matter what you do with it.

I can relate with all that you are feeling. i too experience triggers quite often. not everyday like before. i too would like to see my WW suffer for what she has done, but what would that do for me really? what i can say is that the triggers and the terrible feelings they leave are getting fewer and farther between. i try to focus on healing myself and my kids. its hard but i accept the challenge everyday. it will get better, slowly but surely.<p>keep your faith and hope [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hopenden

read about the cycle of obsession...it did me wonders...I have learned to deal with the triggers and obsession for what's underneath that is causing them to surface. I do not let myself spend my energy on them. It is a cognitive process...you have to turn them off on purpose...time helps with that, but you can't wait for them to "just go away." Take control of your thoughts, replace them with something different... antidepressants have helped me find this focus, though I still crash for 2 weeks every month due to hormones. Good luck... My WH has the same problem with childhood issues and lack of intimacy. He will also be in IC soon (I hope) to work on these issues. I know the lack of TRUE intimacy is what lies beneath my triggers and obsessing...that and my own insecurity.

Thank you for all of your responses. I have found coming to this forum is very helpful.<p>Yes we did do MC, and I think we came to a place where she thought my H needed to come alone. I'm ok with that I feel I'm in the right place most of the time. It's just when I get a trigger that reminds of it I begin to doubt what I'm doing. She did say I will join him in a session or two. I just wanted to make sure what I felt was normal. He hasn't done anything for me to doubt him. <p>What/where is the cycle of obsession? Is this a book? I've read lots of books: Surviving Infidelity, Straight talk about betrayel, The Monogamy Myth, Torn Asunder, Recovering from affairs. I've read articles all over this website and others. <p>Thanks again you all have made me feel better. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
My story...

I read about it in one of the infidelity books I got from the library...I believe it is:<p>Affairs : A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity
by Emily M. Brown<p>I have also read After the Affair, Sexual Detours, Torn Usunder (this one also helped a lot), and a few others from the library. But I'm pretty sure the obsession thing is in Brown's book.