Well, well, well...I don't know what to make of this. Maybe the wise folks on the board can help me figure it out?
Quick synopsis: My WW has so far refused to acknowledge the ongoing EA, talk about it, etc.
I'm nearing the end of my Plan A rope, and have several issues in fron of me. First deciding whther and how to end comm b/w WW and OM who is in prison. Second, she's headed out of town to the general area where the OM is in prison and I suspect she intends to visit. Third, I had a pretty frank talk with her a few days ago about needing to start taking some concrete action, and patience running out.
(Details of all this are in my thread)<p>Now today, she comes in after her work and we're having coffee and she's being as nice as can be...and almost out of the blue, she hugs me and tells me "I want to tell you something; I love you. I love you very much." and she proceeeds to kiss me...and then says "And I want to tell you something else; I'm here because I want to be with you, I want us to work together to fix our marriage." at which point I'm as close to meltdown as butter in the microvawe...and she continues "And I want to thank you because you've been very good to me. I really appreciate that"<p>I know I'm supposed to take everything she says with a grain of salt, and I'm SO distraught at the thought that she might be headed to see the OM next week, and she has just been so ADAMANT about having ended it when it hasn't...that I don't want to make more of it than it is...I even suspect it could be a ploy, that's how suspicious I've become....but I so desperately want to believe she may be coming around....any thoughts?<p>I'd posted this on my "main" thread (Affairs that don't end...confused..Help@!), but I guess it's lost there, link to main thread:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=017108&p=10

In a nutshell... and I'm sure you'll get some other opinions... let actions speak louder than words, k? Those are some very nice *words* you got... and a hug and kiss too [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ... but the fog can roll back out as fast as it rolls out.<p>Believe me from experience... keep on with a strong plan A, but don't expect anything great... self-protection is very important... so that the roller coaster won't take you too much for a loop - there's twists and turns on this coaster.<p>P.S. "nearing the end of Plan A"??? cmon, Mr. Case.... patience and time... patience and time... it took a little while to get to this point in your marriage... give it some time... hang in there!!!<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

My WW did that to me during Plan A. She called me at work to say that she has always loved me, that she knows she messed up, and that she hoped I wouldn't hold it against her too long. I could barely talk because of the tears. I continued with Plan A, but her attitude changed. I am still smarting with DDday #2 two months ago. We are starting counseling now, so I've decided to continue with Plan A and see if the "pros" (ie IC and MC) can help create more breakthroughs like that one.<p>My sense is that changes in the WS are rarely sudden. So, I agree with Faith1. An optimist, and I hope you are one, should look at this as positive feedback to your Plan A efforts. I would keep going with your Plan A efforts, and see whether she starts to give you a series of these positive days.<p>Giles

Thanks for the comments. Yes, I must agree, this is a good step, but should be taken with a heavy dose of salt, until further actions demonstrate the level of committment to the actions required for the start of recovery.
The main ones there will include agreeing to tell the truth, no contact agreement, working within the framework of a recovery plan...we'll see.<p>I do see it as a positive endorsement of my Plan A actions, though, so that's good!<p>Thanks again.

Spacecase - did you choose your MB name because you knew you were dealing with an alien? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm with Faith on this one. Hard to tell what motivated her statements. I'm glad you realize that it all could be a ploy to distract you from her intentions. Sad but true.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by GilesCorey:
<strong>My sense is that changes in the WS are rarely sudden.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'd slightly qualify Giles' statement as follows: "My sense is that PERMANENT changes in the WS are rarely sudden."<p>Zig-zagging abounds in the day-to-day lives of many WSs - and as a result, BSs zig zag all over as well until they learn not to react to everything - pro or con.<p>WAT

Thanks WAT;<p>Actually Spacecase was an old screen name I used...so I just adopted it for MB...but it is appropriate! Major alien encounters!
[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi SC,
I think your W's behavior should give you lot's of optimism...it's a good sign. I think it's good that you are cautiously optimistic...smart...if you can, give her the vibes that you believe every word she says. At the same time, she needs to know that she can't fool you.<p>But it's a really, really good sign. She does appreciate you for being patient and kind (and understanding in your own way...ie. you haven't made her hate you by being a big jerk about the whole ordeal...you've been very patient and reasonable..)and for that she is truly grateful.<p>As horrible as it sounds, I was often the most up beat and sweet to my H either before or after I had contact with the OM. I would often tell my H that I loved him, because I did and do, but that didn't mean that I wasn't going to do something naughty. I hate to admit this, but sometimes I would get off the phone with my H after a loving call, and then pick up the phone and call the OM...the same thing with an email.<p>But all said, she is trying to make loving you a self-fullfilling prophecy...she really wants you two to work on the marriage, make it better, but she might still be struggling with her feelings and contact with the OM.<p>But hang in there...things are looking up! Is there anyway you can go with her on her trip? Turn it from needing space, to needing time together?<p>Good luck SC. I'm thinking of you and pulling for you!
AS

Beware!!<p>My WW did close to the same thing the night before she went on an 8 day conference. She swore OM would not be there and instead was taking a girl friend. She tried on clothes she bought for the trip (to show me), snuggled the night before in bed, had me latch her WWJD bracelet just before she left. <p>Well, he was there and they spent the whole conference together. It was just to throw my suspicions off track. Be carefull!<p>John

ashirley;
I was hoping you'd be around...thanks!<p>You said:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I think your W's behavior should give you lot's of optimism...it's a good sign. I think it's good that you are cautiously optimistic...smart...if you can, give her the vibes that you believe every word she says. At the same time, she needs to know that she can't fool you.<hr></blockquote><p>I agree; it is a good sign, and the first time she's said that she wants us to work on the M together. I gave her every indication that I thought this was good, but with my other conversations, she knows I'm not just swallowing whole.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> But it's a really, really good sign. She does appreciate you for being patient and kind (and understanding in your own way...ie. you haven't made her hate you by being a big jerk about the whole ordeal...you've been very patient and reasonable..)and for that she is truly grateful. <hr></blockquote><p>Yes. And this was a big one. This is the first time she's said anything that indicates that she belives the changes are real, and that somehow expresses an acknowledgement that I've been doing good things EVEN while I know she hasn't. I'll have to watch for more of this...it's an important change if it's real.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> As horrible as it sounds, I was often the most up beat and sweet to my H either before or after I had contact with the OM. I would often tell my H that I loved him, because I did and do, but that didn't mean that I wasn't going to do something naughty. I hate to admit this, but sometimes I would get off the phone with my H after a loving call, and then pick up the phone and call the OM...the same thing with an email. <hr></blockquote><p>Ouch!!! This could perfectly be the case. I hate it, but I can certainly understand it. Makes me uneasy, but I'm realistic enough to know that this may well still happen for some time.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> But all said, she is trying to make loving you a self-fullfilling prophecy...she really wants you two to work on the marriage, make it better, but she might still be struggling with her feelings and contact with the OM.<hr></blockquote><p>I agree. I think she just might be starting to show the first signs of her struggle. I can live with that, and I feel I can help her if she'll let me.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> But hang in there...things are looking up! Is there anyway you can go with her on her trip? Turn it from needing space, to needing time together? <hr></blockquote><p>I'm afraid not. I know she needs a little time, she will be with her sister in NY for a few days, then headed to FL with another close friend. I have to give the benefit of the doubt in the sense that I think she may be starting withdrawl, or she may have made up her mind that she has to act (end it) if she doesn't want to lose me, and I want to be optimistic about this. It'll be difficult for her to get away from our friends in FL and drive up to the prison. It's a 4 hour drive each way, and it'll be hard to hide the fact that she'd disappear for that long. Besides, I'll be able to somewhat keep track of her movements while she's there...but you never know; she just might try to do it. We'll see, and we'll be able to judge the sincerity of her words by her actions...<p>[ April 26, 2002: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</p>