I think I posted in wrong subject so I'll try again. Tonight my husband of 13 years told me to move on-that our marriage was comletely over and he plans to start legal etc. next week. He moved out 2 months ago. We have three kids-4, 5, and 8. He admitted he has a friendship with a younger, single, childess, attractive co-worker. Four days ago he said he was encouraged to work on the marriage--after catching him in two lies this weekend (deny overnights with her)--and much confronting--he said he can't take it--it's over for him--he's never coming back-that the final point for him was when he realized that he wouldn't bother him if I was seeing someone. He would wish me happiness. I can't believe that's it for our relationship. He said he was done with our relationship three months ago. He was crying the whole time and said he was sorry but he can't do it anymore. My mind says accept it, there's no clearer message than his actions and words but I am in such denial that it is over. I feel so overwhelmed with kids, finding a job, debt, being alone..losing everything at once and starting everything at once. Can it be so simple for him?
Help.

Hi, this is a very difficult time for you. First take care of yourself and your children. Pray a lot!! And check in here for support. There are many experienced posters that understand MB-concepts and can guide you on your path. <p>Your H is able to run because he already has someone set up to do his laundry!! He is in a fog, and this site explains a lot about that. Try reading Surviving an Affair, etc.
I hope you are coping ok. Will check in later.
p.s. Read all of the articles and concepts here, they are full of good info

Thanks. I am trying to cope. I was so hopeful until tonight. I have been reading the concepts and not following them very well. I am so angry and hurt and feel like I am grasping at straws. It seems unhealthy to hold out hope at this point..I wish I could accept better that his words and actions are truly what he means..now that sounds pathetic. What else do I need? Seems so hopeless. Thanks for the support.

Hi again, I am online, also can't sleep. We were separated for 2years. It was hard and I gave it to God, and worked on me. It worked. There was not another W though, and if there had been I don't know how I would have handled it.

Two years--wow. I am happy for you that it is working now. I can't hardly look at my kids knowing how sad they are about the separation and now..knowing that H completely quit putting any energy into rebuilding our marriage and has told me to do the same. I am trying so hard to "Let go and Let God" but not doing so well. He told me tonight how awful our marriage has been, how unhappy he has been for so long and asked for changes and I didn't make any , etc. and now..after he has left, that I want to work on the marriage and that it is too late for him. I am afraid that it is true (yet, he didn't do too much either -as he admits- except have an affair)I am going to try to sleep. Thanks.

rest as much as you can, sleepless nights play havoc on you with so much stress anyway. I'll check in tomorrow, and I hope you will feel better soon.

Hi Can't Sleep,<p>I am sorry to hear of your pain. What you are going through is shock and devastation all rolled up into one. When was your d/d? <p>What have you read and learned here? Realize that your H is confused and will babble. Sounds like he has already taken several courses in WSU (wayward spouse university)! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My H said for me to move on also. That was last year. He even wanted to match me up with a friend of his. Kept asking, 'have you seen Wally yet? I think you and Wally would make a nice couple.' Can you believe it? Anyway, that was when the OW was filling his ears with all sorts of jargon. In my case the OW was a graduate of WSU herself and she went on the master's course of revenge A. She scored high in her OW classes and was giving tutoring lessons to my H who was a WS at the time. <p>Anyway, my H eventually came back but not after 3 OW prego scares (dumb bunny OW claimed prego 3 x in 9 months - that's how she got the name rabbit). LOL!!! He also landed 3 nights at the local county minimum security facility (otherwise known as jail) for domestic violence. He called the police and they saw him pushing me around. Hmmmph..... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It can get crazy ya know? Through all this, I would come here to MB. I learned about plan a and b. I used both. I eventually found that when the WS was continually acting stupid, plan A was not working so I went to plan B. I read the book "love must be tough" and implemented what I could. I also called the WS up one morning out of the blue (I no longer would call at his convience) and told him to 'go get the papers, I'm ready'. That was 4 months after d/d. Of course it helped to know that I was not going to allow myself to be a wallflowe. MB was teaching me to regain my confidence. It was a hard and long road. We call it the 'rollercoaster' ride. A ride it definitely is, wild with many twists, turns and dips. In order to keep my balance, I incorporated a lot of posting here. Many took me under their wing and guided me. I was stubborn at first but then I eventually began to listen, learn and apply. <p>I share this with you to let you know you can get better. There is hope. You just need to refocus your thinking. Know that you can not control your H's actions right now. Know that he is babbling so don't put a lot of confidence in it. He wants the D, then let him go get it. You don't have to make the D easy for him either. <p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks for support. I need it right now. I am spending the weekend by myself at the beach and hoping to sleep and think. I wish I felt more hopeful about my future but I just don't. I don't want to get out of bed. This is the first weekend that my H has the kids for two nights. I hate it.
Is D/D Discovery Date of Affair? If so, I confirmed it three weeks ago and H admitted they were "very good friends" one week ago. We separated 7 weeks ago. I welcome any observations.
Bye.

Good morning Can't Sleep,
THe beach sounds perfect. I live near the beach but don't go nearly as much as I would like to. The boards are slower on the weekends, so don't get discouraged if you don't get many replies right away. Hope you can rest and relax this weekend, let us know how you are.

Hi,<p>I'm still a junior member so I don't have alot of advice, but I have been through everything you're feeling right now and can maybe offer some support.<p>I have a 3 yr. old daughter and a five year old son. We have been together 14 years - married seven. Our situation is sort of similar. How old are you and your H?<p>I know from my experience that our M went downhill after the kids were born. So many things to deal with and not much know how. I put all of my energy into the kids and there wasn't much left for my H or our M. Not excusing his behaviour. But this is hard for the H's. I just kept thinking that one day, not too far away, these little ones won't need as much from me, and then I could work on my M. I thought my H understoon that as well. But I guess he couldn't wait. <p>We are now in early recovery and things are OK - for now. I look back at how we were and it makes me shudder.<p>Things are easier with the kids now, and we have more time for us. It seems that so many H's can't make it through the hard times. Why is that?<p>Well, I'm glad you found this site. I can't express how much being here has helped me. I really think my marriage would have been over.<p>It's soo true what they say about reading, rading, reading. I've read "After the Affair" and "The Dance of Connection". I'm waiting for my copy of "Surviving An Affair." And I've read most of Dr. Harleys' info. It's really helped.<p>Hang in there, and keep coming to this site for help. There is sooo much wisdom here.<p>One other thing. The fact that your H was crying suggests that he still has feelings, even though he says he doesn't - in my opinion. He is really in the fog. <p>H&S

can't sleep,<p>Your story sounds alot like mine.<p>My H also told me that it wouldn't bother him for me to go out with another man.<p>Guess what.....the first time I did he went mad with jelousy and right in front of the OW.<p>We are almost 7 months into recovery now....lots of bumps in the road...but all in all we are doing pretty good.<p>When you think about....if you've been seperated that long and your H hasn't taken any action yet to seperate legally or file for a D....then do you really think he's going to?<p>My H said the same things.<p>I wish you well. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

It was so great to come home from the first weekend completely alone and have positive replies on this site. I am 37-H is 36. We have signed the parenting plan of the separation agreement and he wants to get together in the next few weeks to start financial matters. I really tried to grieve this weekend and let go of him...and in my heart, I hope he comes back. He told me Sat. night (I called to say goodnight to the kids) that he was confident about his decision that we were completely done. He said that there's no other way to go..he just can't be smothered anymore and he wasn't happy about it. I said OK and let it go. Tonight when I got the kids I apologized for an incident with his parents at X-mas that really angered him and told him that the reason I didn't want to do anything with him for the past six months or so is not because I don't want to spend time with him or I don't like the activities anymore but that I was depressed about how I looked. (I've gained a tremedous (sp) amount of weight over the past 10 years. He thanked me for the information and said that he wanted to make one thing clear. We didn't "split up" because of the A but because of our relationship and he couldn't take it anymore. I told him he was right but the affair didn't give me a chance to work on things. He found everything wrong for the past three months except that I am a good mother. The A started in November 01.I also said if he hadn't had the affair that I think we would have been talking by now because I wouldn't have been so angry and did so many dumb confrontations. He said that was fair.
He called later and asked if he could drop off the kids toothbrushes. I said yes. We chatted for awhile (BS stuff) and it was going great until my son said, "Dad, we were going to go to church, weren't we?" H asked why and son said because mom asked me four times about it. (He was supposed to take them) H shook his head and said I can't believe that you are pumping them for info. I couldn't either. The conversation ended semi-OK but not great. He asked what time I was going to drive by and see if he was home tonight (sarcastic)(I had been). I laughed and in a few minutes I said, Ed, I am doing what you asked, I am letting you go. He asked again in a few minutes and kept talking. Is he just bored until his "friend" gets off work? I tried so hard to be friendly without over doing it. Please make observations. It's so hard to go on with my life when I still hope he comes back.

Hi again,<p>Glad you checked in. I'm just putting the kids down, so I can't write much but I wanted to tell you that you have to read Lostva's success story. It's in the Just Found Out Board - Topic Name - "For encouragement + Hope - Lostva's success story". Make sure you read it. It's very encouraging. I'll try to get back to see how you made out.<p>H&S

How are you today?<p>Once you read "Surviving an Affair" you will see that what you are going through is a pattern repeated over and over by many men and women. I hope you get a copy of it soon.<p>I also recommend checking out Michele Weiner-Davis's stuff ( www.divorcebusting.com ). There are specific steps that you can do to help you take focus off your H, his A and help you manage you.<p>I was where you are almost exactly one year ago... except that my H really only left for one month and his OW was also married (she never left her H).<p>My H is now with me. It has been a long, arduous journey and it has only been in the last month that I have had the greatest hope.<p>If you can at all get him to go to church w/ you regularly, I highly recommend it. I truly believe that that has been the most defining of all the things I did. My H was/is very spiritual and has a deep faith, and listening to the Word made it difficult for him to continue on the path he had diverged to.<p>If you can get a copy of "LoveBusters," I would also recommend it... you need to start eliminating the things that are withdrawing from your H's lovebank... and figure out how to make deposits...<p>Finally strengthen yourself... I went on anti-depressants for the first six months... and now I am in individual counseling... as well as I read 15-20 books on affairs, infidelity, marriage, relationships and self... I have quite the self-help library now [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>It is a long hard road... but it is not over by a long shot... all you have to do is to read the stories on this site and you will find hope...<p>Hugs,
Cali

Kids are asleep, yes! I am getting individual counseling and started antidepress. I bought divorce busters and I will get the other two books. My new resolve is to exercise every morning before the kids get-up for 30 min. I believe my H is with her tonight and I hate it. But overall, I have had a healthy day and feel good about my interactions with everyone, including myself. The ocean is a wonderful thing.
Thanks for your replies. I need them.
Goodnight..(she says with hope.) I hope all of you get as much strength from this forum as I am..I haven't given anything back yet..but will after I figure things out!

Just read Lostva's story-thanks for recommendation. Very encouraging-although I don't know if I could be as kind as she was--I really am going to go to sleep! Thanks.

I just read LostVa's story. Very encouraging.
I think I will be able to sleep. Thanks for recommendation.
Can't Sleep