You know I have to give you some background.<p>My DW was out of town last week from Wednesday to Sunday. This Wednesday she gets sick – flu bug of some kind –Losing liquids from both ends. I stayed home and cared for her on Wednesday – went to store & got stuff to help replenish electrolytes & brought home a small boutique of flowers, to which she expressed pleasure. I also stayed home half a day yesterday, fixed her toast & noodle soup. Last night I fixed her white rice & chicken breast as she was able to keep the food down.
I many times help with laundry where I wash & dry & she folds and puts away. When she was gone I was down to one pair of underwear, so I do all the laundry and I had a batch of cloths in the hamper upstairs by our dresser & it did include a couple sweaters & tops (Otherewise, it was towels, soxes & underwear) that either needed to be ironed or re-dried, fluffed. She had mentioned this. There was another load still in the dryer & I was in fact lazy & did not finish the job. <p>This morning she starts complaining in a “poor me” kind of tone that she has so much to do around the house & then she walks into the bedroom & looks at the hamper & in a derogatory tone says, I have to do these over! You might just as well not do this!” I have a negative reaction & retort back & she goes into a rage & says that she can never say anything negative! I said she did not have to say it that way – blah, blah – she said, Just go to work! I try to reason with her & explain my position & she turns up the TV & tells me to forget it! I go back downstairs & I don’t want to have still another, we’re not talking thing & as I leave, I try to show that I’m not totally flipped out & yell up the stairs in a pleasant tone, “good bye” no response & then I yell, “I’ll see ya!” Still no responses, so I just leave.
I am trying to learn not to be the traditional doormat here and be her bunching bag every time she feels some frustration. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I also recognize that I do not handle this in most mature way. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I do not like conflict & so therefore I know I do not handle it in the most productive way. I am trying to not be the traditional “conflict avoider” here either.<p>I would appreciate some ideas as to how I might better handle these situations – I don’t think I want to just say, “Yes, dear!” Do I ignore it and walk away? I have been told that I get treated with dis-respect because of how I allow her to treat me. But I know it is not appropriate for me to respond to dis-respectful, judgmental remarks with like kind. Just need some reminders of positive ways to respond to these negative triggers. <p>Frankly, this brings up issue from over the years & this may of course be somewhat biased, but I can say quite honestly say that she has always been very quick & quite outspoken with criticism towards me & at the same time quite sensitive and really combative with any criticism going back to her. In fact there was a TV show last night with two couples fighting in front of their kids. I gently asked her if we were that bad in front of our kids & she said yes, sometimes, then after a pause, she said she was always upset about something. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
I am wearing very thin with any criticism she has for me – You might say I have reached a zero tolerance for this. I believe she senses this & this in & of itself creates tension for her, in that she cannot have her normal release -?? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I have definitely developed a habit of coming right back at her with her dis-respectful, judgmental remarks and she has said, “it is so hard, I try to be nice, but I can’t seem to say anything right anymore.” My perception is why can't she be nice 99% of the time -- I think her perception is that if she is nice 85% of the time, that's an improvement & I should be thankful. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>She has said other W's are critical of H's. Not always nice to them, kind of connotation. I guess she is trying to hint to me that I am trying to hold her to an unrealistic standard. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for your patience & I appreciate some objective feedback or insights here!<p>Peace be with you,
HH

taking a stab here - off the top of my head...<p>How about: a sincere "I'm sorry."<p>Sometimes that's the safest answer, if you're tempted to fire back. And leave it at that. She might be surprised, and not know how to respond to your new "dance".<p>I tend to "react" negatively sometimes too. It's hard as heck to bite my tongue, take a deep breath, and think of the best way to respond. I don't think it's being a doormat, but perhaps to learn new habits, the safest way to answer is brief, quiet and gentle. Firing back and forth gets you nowhere.<p>You can address the issue later when emotions aren't flying. "DW, earlier today when you were unhappy with my ---- (laundry efforts, etc.), I felt attacked when you yelled at me. But I understand you were frustrated. I'm sorry if I didn't do it as well as you like. I want to help around here as much as I can. Will you tell me how to do it better next time?"<p>just a thought...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith1:
<strong>taking a stab here - off the top of my head...
I don't think it's being a doormat, but perhaps to learn new habits, the safest way to answer is brief, quiet and gentle. Firing back and forth gets you nowhere.
</strong><hr></blockquote>
Faith1,
Thanks!
This seems to be key thing to me -- brief, quiet & gentle -- I definatley have less tolerence than before the A's -- I am the one that typically rolls with the punches - it is upsetting to me that I let her get to me -- push my buttons, so to speak. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
I guess I was frustrated because it is not like I don't help with the domestic chores! But I guess that was irrelevant to the immediate deal. <p>Thanks again for feedback!
HH

Oh My God! I just realized something that may be on her mind that is alarming. MLC alert! <p>Last night we watch TV and there is 53 year old lady they show with face lift & she glows with results. Frankly, she looked older than 53. I make causal comment that she was out in the sun too much. DW does not comment, but she has started her full body tanning at the electric beach – in preparation for her bikini trips to the pool. DW has causally mentioned idea of face lifts & she has a couple small varicose veins she would like sapped – again, I am not impressed!<p>We watch the last episode of the Bachelor – very romantic focus on young guy choosing among 25 ladies & he had it narrowed to two – seemed he was very intimate with both before he could decide! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Possibility, just a guess, but it would go with her theme – life is passing her by – maybe there is more adventure for her elsewhere -???<p>Anyway, here is where I may have made a big mistake! This morning she looks in mirror & again in fore lorn tone, she says she looks like she is 85! I sense this self-pity tone & MLC & with that need to act out motives creeping in! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Yet, I know from past experience, that when I try to flower her with compliments she gets defensive and says I am not sincere & I am supposed to support – In prior & current A’s she said the OM’s compliments meant so much more, ( I have always been very complimentary!) & I am trying this 180 degree thing, half way at least, so I try to deflect this with humor & say Oh, only 75! And I smile & try to infer to not worry about it! I can see now that that did not help & was not kind! <p>Stuck in a rut here?! Not sure which way to turn? She knows how to get relieve from her depressed state – dress up & go out seek some attention & I don’t think that is hard – she can turn some heads! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Peace,
HH