I am a bit long winded so for those who like short to the point posts here is my
Reader's Digest Condensed Version of my Post<p>Any input is appreciated...<p>When you are pretty far into recovery---To read or not to read....that is the question?<p>What to read if recommended? <p>READ ON FOR THOSE WHO DON'T MIND the long winded detailed post <p>reading MB helps me realize that all the things I am going through are Normal for a such crazy situation.<p>I have read after the affair and boundaries in marriage and lots of Dr Harleys on-line info but not too many more than that.<p>I am stronger now, but being the type of person I am, it is easy for me to give in to obsessive thoughts when triggered (especially when hormone induced). <p>I have been reading/posting here and it has helped a bunch. I feel we have made leaps and bounds into recovery and 90% of the time things are AWESOME---then 10% of the time I experience a bit of anger-sadness-doubt-despair. This 10% of the time does seem to hit around the same time of the month each month. <p>Here Are My Questions: I see many books mentioned here.....Do you feel there is a time to put away the books because they keep things to the surface OR are the books a pretty good choice even when you feel you are pretty far into recovery? When deep in recovery can the help or hinder healing? <p>IF you feel books should still play a part....are there any you would really recommend for the time & place we are in recovery and my tendancy to let emotions take over sometimes still (not often-but feel really down when it happens). <p>Thanks bunches for any input you can give [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

"A person should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday".

Hurtbuthealing,<p>Wow, your situation sounds so much like mine. I'm anxiously waiting for the advice here too. <p>Quick question - when it's that time of the month, how does you H handle your moods? Is he understanding or does he become impatient? I don't know if I'm expecting too much from my H at these times or not.<p>Thanks,
H&S

During the early stages after d-day-and the roller coaster ride that followed until the fog cleared and he was committed to "US" and put OW out of the picture he was not real understanding...to say the least. But of course at that time I was crazy as crazy can be.<p>When things started getting better he was about 50/50 on the understanding for a while. Maybe it depended on his hormonal cycle HAHA. I think they have one too it is just not as obvious as ours.<p>As I got better about not backing him into a corner and hounding him with the questions and controlling my emotions some of the time...he has been great. There are times I get down still and he just holds me and is very understanding. <p>I think it is better because I finally stopped giving LB. He said it was hard for him to be there for me because of the guilt and hopelesness he felt. He said he was mostly mad at himself and but the anger came out towards me. <p>As I got stronger through ic/mc and worked on "ME' and when he could finally see some brighter days together he got hope. He said he really thought he had done too much damage for it to ever be right so he was kinda giving up too. He says he just really felt so much rage and anger at himself it kinda took over part of him as the despair took over part of for for a while. <p>I hope he continues to be there for me cuz there are times I still need him. I try not to bring up the past stuff but just say I am having a bad day...sometimes I will tell him what triggered it. He knows the A is the cause of most of it so there is no need to beat him over the head with it. I try not to talk about OW - just how I feel and that I need him.<p>
The thing I think I finally got through to him with was a talk we had. I made it clear to him I did not "get upset" to make him feel bad. and that the course of action of trying to hide my hurt from him to spare him was not fair either. <p>I reminded him that he has been my best friend for 18 years and every other problem I have ever had in my life during that time, he has been there for me to listen and comfort---why should this be any different. I think it finally clicked then. <p>He remembered how much we have been there for each other and that my hurt was not to punish him--I just needed him to be my best friend again.
and guess what?! HE IS!!!! and I am loving every minute of it. <p>to be completely honest--I do get scared we will slip back---the wound is healing but too fresh to be 100% fearless----But I pray it doesnt happen and know I will do all I can to keep things good. <p>Since I cant forget, the "A" will always be a reminder to never take things for granted again--

Thank you for your reply. It's great hearing success stories like yours. It gives me hope that one day our M will be better than ever. (It is already better.) It really does take alot of hard work doesn't it. <p>My H and I are working very hard at making our M srong and secure again. I've just come back from MC. It went well.<p>My H knows about this site and I sometimes have him read posts that I think will help. I will have to show him this one.<p>Other than getting some lovings from your H, is there anything else that helps you through the hard times?<p>H&S

Hurtandhealing,<p>No matter what stage you are at, that reading is good, and can trigger even more growth. Just that the books change with where you are.<p>That to me is very exciting, to know there is even more to learn about and share. I heard somewhere "that good is the enemy of the best. Only settle for the best."<p>I wish that I could tell you about books for those in deep recovery, bcos I can't - not even in real recovery yet. Will look forward to hearing from others.

Hi - I understand completely about what you mean when it might be time to quit reading so many books about 'fixing' your relationship. I went on a real book buying bender last year when H had moved out of our home and was living with OW. I now am selling alot of those. However I will recommend my most favorites that I am keeping- <p>1.'Loving Him Without Losing You'- by Beverly Engel She also wrote the book -'The Emotionally oAbused Woman'
2.Controlling People- by Patricia Evans. She also wrote the "The Verbally Abusive Relationship'
3. 'Boundaries in Marriage' by Henry Cloud
4.Men in Mid-Life Crisis by Jim Conway
5. "Affairs' by Emily Brown- she wrote several books all about the underlying problems that lead to affairs and is great at helping you figure out how to recover from emotional affairs
6"Divorce Remedy' by Michelle Weiner-Davis- this one is new and I just ordered it- looks great in the book reviews!
7.'If I'm so in Love Why Aren't I Happy?'
by Susan Page- I like this new book because her approach doesnt require BOTH peoples participation<p>lifeismessy

Thanks all. I am still open for anyone else for a suggested book list when you are a little further into recovery. something that looks forward a little more than analyzing I guess. <p>I will jot a couple of those books down lifeismessy....The only ones I have are after the affair...which was very good and Boundaries in Marriage..which I too will keep. I also got just plain "Boundaries" for my co-dependent self. Same lines as in marriage just a little more focused on the indivdual. <p>There is also a boundaries with kids I hear is supposed to be good. That is one of the areas in our marriage we need to work on--discipling the children. They are a great source of love BUT also a great source of stress! haha<p>to answer your question hurt&sad, ic/mc helped a lot...although that is getting fewer and far between--which is a good thing I guess. I think of my wonderful counselor as my safety net though. Even though I don't see her as often, I know she is there if I/we need her.<p>Journaling helps some to get all that negative doubtful stuff outta my system. A few very good trustworthy friends (you know-the kind that listen and don't blab) AND in the last week or so coming here has been very helpful. When I need to vent and journaling doesnt cut it. I just need to know someone is hearing me--I come here. <p>MB gives me hope when I can see others in recovery. Then I can look at some who are not quite there yet and appreciated just how far into this recovery I am. And although it makes me sad for the people who have had it worse then me in there situations---it makes me stop pitying myself so much. <p>And if all else fails I PLAY REALLY LOUD MUSIC and sing a long to just clear all the junk outta my head! mostly rock---have to watch some of those country music songs. Then can make it worse sometimes! haha<p>Last but NOT LEAST...I PRAY...as I sit here on this rainy sunday, my hubby just left for work, I ask God to help me with the doubt I let creep in. It does creep in still. <p>It has been great for several months BUT it was great off and on when I first found out and it was great off and on for the year and a half the "A" was going on. So, I stay leary that something will happen (maybe she will try to make contact etc) and we will slip again. I hope not. I don't want to go through that hell again. <p>I don't know about you all but I actually find that hardest things to get over are not all the details-lies-time frame of the affair itself. The things that come to mind and are most hurtful are the things done and said after D-day. Those are the things I am trying to lay to rest now and let the good memories take over. MOST of the time it works. Sometimes it is very hard though. <p>Well, I may head to borders books this morning and pick up a book or two. My hubby does NOT read much at all. I must say he has read more since this has happened since I have known him --which I should take as serious commitment I guess. <p>He does not want to read much anymore. He wants to let most things just be put to rest. HELPFUL HINT: if I do find something I think is helpful and positive for the future that I really want him to read---I leave it lying in the office (bathroom hehe) and it seems to get read eventually!

"The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie is excellent for personal recovery - for learning to focus on yourself and to let go of obsessive thoughts, fears and the need to control every situation.

Hurtbuthealing,
I just read your posts and am amazed at how much
is similiar. We are normal!!<p>My story is the basically the same except that we're two years into recovery. My husband reacts
and has said the same things as yours. He has worked so hard and we both have grown a lot. But
even after 2 years there are still ups and downs, and triggers (and yes, that time of month can be a trigger in itself). Right now we are back sliding some on communication and talking....I really like your suggestion about just needing to being your friend (that's what I've been trying to tell him but you said it so black and white). Right now we need to have the talk about talking! <p>I also read a lot, journal, pray, come here...and just this week started getting on the treadmill everyday with my walkman and the music blasting (it really does help!). <p>As far as books go I find that now I stay away from "affair" books. I know most of that stuff and get more from honest posts on feelings from WS's. I try to read more positive improvement books - right now I'm reading Passionate Marriage.
Some other books I've read....."Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", "Mars & Venus in the Bedroom", "Life Strageties", "Seat of the Soul",
and "Simple Abunance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach (I think Pepperband really liked this book too). And don't forget just to read for fun -- a good steamy romance novel thrown in there! And Selket just suggested "Sweet Potato Queens" (said it was really funny).<p>Just please know that you are normal and where you are supposed to be....and somehow accept that we will never completely forget, it does get easier but the work never stops! (and shouldn't in any good marriage - just my opinion!) <p>Best wishes,
JJ

P.S. About books on kids.....I really liked
"Making Children Mind without Losing Yours" by
Dr. Kevin Leman.

Thanks all, Bramble rose...the book you mentioned...the language of letting go... does it seem to help with the obsessive thinking thing? I try so hard not to let the hurt become misery and take over but it is so easy for me to focus in on one little thing and let it grow from there sometimes. do tell.<p>jj613, funny how the stories can be so similar. it is funny how we can all be so "textbook" in our situations --yet it happens over and over again. <p>I did read men are from mars, women from venus in the bedroom and found it more enlightning then I thought for both of us. It really did hit on the way h & w perceive sex differently.<p>I think my h realized how I lost my drive due to all the other life stress and no romance....and I understand how that lack of sex really did make him feel unloved. It is so crazy how we can look at everything differently. I just bought mars & venus together forever...may leave that one in the "library" haha. <p>Thanks for the input...I will try to pick up a steamy novel here and there too jj613....I did just buy a book my sister was telling me about. It sounded kinda fun as our anniversary is next week. <p>It is called 101 nights of grrreat romance by laura corn. It has a sealed page for h & w to open every week to bring keep the romance alive. sounded "steam-ee". It was nice to buy a book that didn't analyze or try to repair. guess that is a good sign huh?!<p>take care all....I love to read so always open for suggestions. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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