My husband asked me for a divorce on March 7, 2001. He stated he loves me, but not in love with me and has little or no passion for me and that 12 of the 14 years of our marriage he has been lying to himself and me about loving me, but he tells me I'mthe best wife and mother. I just had a baby in Dec 2001. In Nov. 2001 we went to counseling and he told the couselor he has always wanted to be with a lighter complexion (african american woman), I am darker complexion and so is my husband. I have noticed him in the past on the computer and when I come in the room he shuts it down. I also found pictures of his gential area on his laptop, which he said he did not sent them to anyone but was fooling around with the camera. I thought he might me sending it to someone. Back in 1995 my husband had an affair and here recently talks to women in other states, we asked why? he states he talks to them about me. However, he never talks to me. He is a minister and states he upholds the sancity of marriage, but when I tell him God can resurrect his dead heart and our dying marriage, but states he does not want to.
We still live together with our 5 kids. He still sleeps with me and we still have sexual relations. He said he is staying to save money to move out in May, 2002. Here lately he has been cooking breakfast and dinner for me and the kids. My husband is highly sexual, lately we have been talking about our fantasy of sex with each other. I wonder if my husband is getting passion and love mixed up, and that his sexual passion is gone for and is he trying now to rekindle it without telling me. He seems to want to be around me more, which was my complaint before he ask for a divorce. by the way, I not giving him a divorce, but if he wants it he needs to do it.<p>I sometime think he is not sure he wants a divorce, we seem to have better sexual relations now then before. He more attentive to me now then before. However, he states he has found a place and is moving in mid-may. My husband is 41 years old and I'm 42. I have continued to allow him to have sexual relation with me in hopes that his passion or love would return. He does not allow me to initiate the sexual encounter and I asked him why, he said it turns him on and he likes to do that for me. <p>I have become like Shelock Holmes in my own house, because I can't trust him. I love him and want my marriage to last until death do us part, but I'm always finding things that tell me maybe he does want a divorce (i.e OWs phone numbers or he shuts the computer down when I enter the room)<p>Sorry, if this rambling, but I'm confused.<p>My questions:<p>Should I allow him to have sex with me until he moves out? P.S I don't believe he is seeing anyone, he comes home after work every day and the weekends he has a little league team that he coaches with our son, and sundays since he ask for a divorce he stays home from church and cooks dinner for us. <p>Was filing for legal seperation wrong? I'm unemployed and the money wants to give me is $900.00 less then want the law states. <p>Can his lost of "being in love and little or no passion for me" have to do with sex, since we just had a baby in Dec 2001?<p>Can a person live, eat, sleep, breath and have a 3 month old child not be in love with that person for 12 yrs.<p>Can it be he is not sure what he wants and is affraid to say? I also noticed when people call our home and ask about things, he says everything is fine or he walks to another room.<p>What else should I be doing as a wife hoping he changes his mind along with praying?<p>Is he just feeling gulity and being very nice before he leaves? He never like to tell me his true feeling on certain issues, so Im confused.<p>We don't talk about it because I'm afraid of his answer.<p>It's hard to know to think and especially when your family tells you to divorce him.<p>Sorry for babbling.<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

rosse - because you're posting this on the infidelity section of the forum, I'll bet you suspect he's having an affair.<p>I also bet you're right.<p>The "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you" line is a telltale sign. It's used universally by wayward spouses.<p>There are many, many other things common among wayward spouses, which is why you're in a good place here on this forum. <p>I suggest you read as much as you can on this forum about infidelity and get back in touch with that counselor. Get some guidance on how you should confront your husband with your suspicions. You have to do this, in my opinion.<p>It's possible his affair is an emotional one, which would be consistent with your statements that he's usually around. He may reason that he hasn't violated the sanctity of marriage because he's been "physically" faithful to you. But, be aware that emotional affairs, EAs, can be even more devastating than sexual or physical affairs, PAs.<p>WAT

Hi, rosse. I'm so sorry for your situation, but coming here should give you some hope, k?<p>I'm pasting a link here to your same post on the D/D board, so it will all be in one place - sort of.<p>Does he really want a divorce?<p>Can you tell us if you have read the basic concepts on the Marriagebuilders web-site? How about the books, His Needs-Her Needs? Suriving an Affair? Those are important first steps. <p>There's excellent links in my signature line to help you get on track as well.<p>If you want your marriage, there's hope. No guarantees, but you can learn some things to do to better your chances, and come out healthy on the other side - no matter what it comes to.<p>I'll try to answer some of your questions. This forum gets a little slow on the weekends, so be patient, and take some time to read and study, and PRAY. Nothing worthwhile comes easy, right? <p>Should I allow him to have sex with me until he moves out? <p>THe general idea in Plan A, is to meet as many of the WS's needs as possible. That includes sex. Don't put yourself in danger, however, if you suspect he has been "elsewhere". You might want to get yourself tested. <p>Was filing for legal seperation wrong? I'm unemployed and the money wants to give me is $900.00 less then want the law states. <p>Have you already filed? Are you separated? He hasn't moved out yet. I guess you are saying that the $$ he has offered you beginning in mid-May is not enough. In that case, I think you did a good thing. You have to protect yourself financially. However, you filing for separation may give him the impression that you are ok with divorce. Communicate to him that you don't want a divorce. <p>Can his lost of "being in love and little or no passion for me" have to do with sex, since we just had a baby in Dec 2001?<p>Yes. As you read more on this web-site, you'll see that the Harley's are big believers in spouses meeting each other's needs. However, IMO, a husband that reacts in this way to a pregnancy or birth, is running from responsibility, or searching for justification for his affair or porn habits.<p>Can a person live, eat, sleep, breath and have a 3 month old child not be in love with that person for 12 yrs.<p>I think the thing for you to remember, is if your H is involved in an affair, he is not "himself". He will feel like he's falling out of love with you. This is no excuse to run out of a marriage. When feelings of passion or infatuation fade away, a couple must strive to learn how to keep those fires going. Counseling, or learning different methods like Marriage Builders, provide ample information and guidance to re-kindling the love and passion.<p>Can it be he is not sure what he wants and is affraid to say? I also noticed when people call our home and ask about things, he says everything is fine or he walks to another room.<p>This is possible. THis is common among many of the stories you'll see here at MB. Often the BS (Betrayed Spouse) had NO idea the WS was unhappy - because they don't talk about it. Do what you can to get him to open up and LISTEN to him without any LB's (Love busters) - which are angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands.<p>What else should I be doing as a wife hoping he changes his mind along with praying?<p>Learn ALL you can about Plan A, EN's, and Love Busters. You'll want to meet as many of his top EN's as you can, and avoid LB's at all costs. There's some great info and links when you click on the links in my signature line.<p>Is he just feeling gulity and being very nice before he leaves? He never like to tell me his true feeling on certain issues, so Im confused.<p>VERY possible. If he's a conflict avoider, he may actually be showing you he cares about you and the family. He may think he wants out, but he doesn't want to hurt you. He doesn't want to bear the responsibility of hurting you, or tearing a family apart. He may think he's ripping the band-aid off slowly.<p>We don't talk about it because I'm afraid of his answer.
If you can talk to him without LB's, you should. Tell him you love him and want the marriage to work. You want to find some help - some ways to learn to love each other better. Listen to him.<p>It's hard to know to think and especially when your family tells you to divorce him.<p>Yep. {{{{{{{{{{{rosse}}}}}}}}}}} Please know that you are not alone. Hang around here a little bit. You'll see that many are going through - or have gone through similar situations.<p>Hope this helps a little. Stick around and read, k?<p>[ April 26, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

^ up for rosse ^<p>How's it going?

It's Sunday and my kids said while I was out at church my husband was served the legal seperation papers. When I came home my H was very nice, he had BBQ and cooked dinner, I expected him to be very upset. Told me how nice I looked and wanted me to watch the basketball game with him and I did. later I came upstairs and he followed and want to have a intimate(H & Wife) session, I we did. As you know my H told me he put a deposit down on a house and is moving out on May 15, this is why I file the seperation papers. I am unemployed and he is going out of the state to visit supposedly his brother and me and the kids will have to stay around the house not able to do anythink.<p>I confronted my husband this evening regarding phones to OW in Michigan and if he was usung the home phone or a calling card. I have past evidence that he had done this when I stay with my sister during the first week of his request for a divorce. When confronted about my Suspicions of him using a calling card, he asked me repeatedly why did I ask the question. Why? I did not tell him this but I found in his wallet a calling card and I have called it to see how much time is left on it and it went from 575 minutes to 2 minutes. He tells me no he is not using a card to call this OW.<p>I don't get this situation he is borrowing money from me because doesn't have any money. He has put his money down on a house to rent and he is going out of town for the holidays. He sits around me more now then before when I begged for his attention. He more attentive to me now then before and he still has not told me he was served the legal seperation papers. He still wants to have sexual a relationship with me. For someone who told me a month ago that out of 12 of the 14 yrs of our marriage he has lied to himself and me, that he never really loved me. <p>What's going on? If you want to divorce someone because you never loved them, why go through all this.<p>Can someone please give insight, especially from a male point of view, what's with him. He usually is out excercising and not around me, but he is sitting as I type at the foot the bed watching T.V. When I asked him about the calling card he was downstairs watch sport center, after I asked him the question regarding the calling card he stayed up here next to me.<p>Please don't get me wrong if this is leading to something positive, but I can't figure him out.<p>Please help, I'm confused. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Rosse,<p>It is not a question of any card. Try putting it another way. Say to him something like, I feel like there is someone else around here. Have you seen them? He will ask who? Say I don't know, another woman maybe? His mind may rush and he may start to spill info in an attempt to hide info. <p>If you take this path be prepared to hear some hurtful things and know that he may be angry. You have young children in your home so maybe you need to do this when they are not around or someone else can be nearby. <p>You say your h is a minister? Taking pixs of genital areas and posting them on the internet is considered pornogrophy. I had the OWs e-mail shut down because she sent the WS a pix like that & I saw it! YUCK!!! <p>There is some sick fantasy going on in your H's head. You need to get some help for U. Are you strong enough to stop enabling him? If you are then do so. He wants to be intimate with you? That should be normal but if it is different and makes you uncomfortable tell him so. <p>When he asks you why are you asking him so many questions, let him know that something in his life is making you uncomfortable. Do not divulge more info. Let him tell you. <p>Get with a counselor ASAP. <p>I am sorry for your pain. As a mother with children and a new baby, he has no right to be putting you through this. Remember he may be requesting relations knowing that it is hard for you. <p>Be cautious. <p>L.

Questions:<p>When will I start feeling better about myself and live and how do you think and plan your live minus the H, when he is still there? My H is still here with me and said he is moving on the 15th of May. He insist there is no OW. He is very attentive to me more than before. He calls and let's me know he's staying late for work and tells me he is at his desk if I need him. I call later to his desk and he is there. He cooks dinner regularly for me and the kids. However, he is still leaving I guess. he is also going to Michigan for the holidays, and I'm concerned because I found information of another woman who lives where he is going. She had been calling my house and he had been calling her. However, he states they are just friends but he had lied about his trip to MI. My H said he was going to visit his sister, but the address I found on our computer is not his sisters address it is the OW address. I also talked to the OW's H, at least that was who he said he was when he answered the phone. He stated he was going to confront his W about the information I relayed to him and he would call me back, it's been 2 weeks and he has not called back yet.<p>Shortly after talking with the OW's H, I confronted my H about his trip and the lie about the address being his sister's address. My H apologized for not telling me the truth, but he is still going to MI and staying with his sister who lives a block away from the OW's address. The ironic thing is he has never visited this sister out of the 14yrs we've been married and the yearly summer trips we take MI we have never visited for a minute at her home.<p>My H wants to still have sexual relations and I'm confused and wonder should I still be doing this with him if he is leaving. I can think staright and it's been 2 mos since he asked for a divorce because he is not in love with me anymore. Could it be he is confused?<p>I had legal seperation papers served to him on this past sunday because he is moving and I am unemployed and he has not giving me any money because he states he won't be able to take care of his new leased house and his trip to MI. What gets me he has not mentioned it to me that he was served and he acts as if nothing is happening. It was my kids who told me someone came to the door and gave my H some papers. He sends me mixed signals, like he wants me to attend his little league baseball games, although our son plays on the team my H coaches; it is my H who watches and waits for me to show up. He calls me from work to ask me questions that he could have asked me when he comes home.<p>Is he feeling guilty are what? I'm hanging on to every bit of hope I can, but I'm scared of what's next the hurt continuing. I don't want him to leave and he has not started packing any of his things if he leaving in 2 weeks. He said he would pay me in june all that he did pay me in May. Oh, by the way he budgeted to pay me 1700 a month, which is 800.00 less than what the law requires in CA for 5 children; and he has only given me 240.00 in 2 mos. <p>Our newborn baby's forumla cost 33.00 a case per week and our other kids who range from 9 yrs old to 13, can bearly go to Mcdonald's on the weekend.<p>What to do think, am I being taken for a fool or is it that my H has no idea what he wants after strongly and aggressively wanting a divorce.<p>Please forgive me for the babbling, I hope it makes sense. I need advice ASAP

Gosh, your situation is difficult.
In my case, my H was going to move out and "explore the other woman" over the summer and take the chance that I wouldn't want him. He went out and looked at real estate, had two leases in his hand ready to sign.
I did two things.
I did Plan A. I ignored the fact that he was calling OW- fortunately she lived far far away- but they had been in a hot and heavy PA while he was away on business. We went out on dates which I arranged, always offering him the opportunity to come with me- and he always wanted to. I gave him SF. I tried to be nice to him. But I'm human and of course there were LBs. I also made it clear that I believed in our M and thought it could be great.
I made it clear, that once he moved out, I would get a legal separation. I never served him with papers. I just asked him things like, when you move out, what is the visitation schedule going to be, we'll need a visitation schedule. I tried to give him as much of a reality check as I could.
In the case of my H, he didn't want anyone to know. He knew if he moved out, that he would be disgraced before our families and our children. He did have to go see her and have s** with her before he broke it off- get it out of his system- but he never left. (and this OW, ten years younger than me, had left her H so she could be available to him).
So I think the fact that your H is doing all this family stuff, wanting SF with you, is very good. Keep him connected. Meet his needs as much as you can. Remember, OW is far far away.
At the same time, let him know, when he moves, there will be a sep. agreement, visitation, that you will if necessary sue him for whatever child support is due you (no, he doesn't get to keep money because he needs it). You won't be his friend, he can't just walk in the house, drop by when he feels like it.
Re this trip to Michigan, I don't know what to say. You could try to interfere with it. But it could push them together. The danger is that if he sees her, or has s** with her, it could get the A going hot and heavy. I would be sure to let OW's H know that your H will be in town. You might want to ask the board for more advice on this one.

Oh, also when you talk to him about the "nasty consequences" of his move, be nice but firm. Don't threaten or yell, just be calm. "you'll need to budget for x dollars, that's what the law requires to support the children" It's his problem if he has to live in a crappy apartment not a house. Or maybe move in with a friend or a relative. Or- "when you move out, I won't want to see you, my heart will be broken and it will be too painful". Make it clear, nicely,that when he visits with the cildren it will be at his place, will all of them (except maybe the baby). Try to get in the sep. agreement no overnights with the opposite sex for a period of time.
It's like nicely warning a toddler, honey watch out if you run on that slippery ground, you might fall down and get a nasty boo-boo.