i have a conversation i need to have with wh and i have gotten myself physically sick for two days now. i need to know the end of the story about his affair. what i know is bits and pieces and lies. i need the truth and am ready for it, its just so hard to initiate conversation, so i hold off. i start to obsess and question, hold back and get physically ill. i know he knows something is up cause i havent been like this in a while. i hope to talk to him tonight, if he doesnt get home too late.
i guess im wondering if anyone else goes through this or went through this?? any thoughts or suggestions??
and if your gonna ask do i really need to know-the answer is yes. im starting to have a bad feeling and need to hear it from him. either im the luckiest person on this board or im missing something-no real withdrawl, no psycho ow just everyone splitting nicely and skipping on their merry ways?? just doesnt seem right. i know they didnt end it when he originally said, so im wondering if they ever did?? i guess im just in a bad place right now- im gonna go before i really start to ramble.

Nikko, hi, are you keeping a journal of all of your questions? I did and it really helped me put them in a place and out of my head for a while until we could talk. When they started to pop into my head again and torment me I'd say " you have already been addressed and are in the book, I have no room for you in my thoughts now as there are more worthwhile things for me to focus my energy on". For a while new questions would try to work their way in, and I added them to the list. It helped me sort the questions, how they made me feel about me, him, relationship, etc, and it was good quiet time to write and get it out of my system. For a while it was everyday, sometimes for an hour or more each time, usually late at night, I have a young son and he needed me during the day. Now it has been about a month since I've written anything. I kept it private for now, my H was very supportive of my writing and said he would only read if I invited him to. I discussed all of the contents with him, but it gave me time to sort out what I needed to say/ask, and then also helped me not to LB. I hope it helps.

Nikko,
You are not alone in how you feel! I for one can do the same thing & I bet lots of others do to.<p>Early on, I did a phone session with dearpeggy (.com) before I knew about mb - Here's what she suggested to me -That I write out what I want to talk to my WH about, not a long letter but in short bullet items. Have 1 for me & 1 for him. Ask him to read it & I read mine & afterwqrds discuss it.<p>One thing she did say was to let wh know that I wanted the truth, that I felt that we could get past just about anything, but if I found out later that he lied, that I didn't thing that we could get through that.<p>I've actually done that several times. (At times, I just gave him a letter to read without me having one. <p>Over the years, WH has not listened to me, not taken my feeling into account, put me down in subtle ways, then during A's all of it intensified, mean, angry, critical. Sooooo, I'm not very comfortable putting my feelings out there.<p>Whenever I did need to have a conversation, I paryed first & asked toh Lord for WH to be receptive, to give my the courage and strength to say what was needed & to do so in a calm confident manner. (I may have been screaming inside but ourside I was a cool cucumber)<p>As the commerial says: JUST DO IT [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless

nikko,<p>IMHO, you should start letting your H know that in a fullfilling M, you both need radical honesty. Let him know, not demanding, but let him know that your sickness is because you need to know and you are willing to wait until he is ready to tell you w/ radical honesty. Don't put it on him but let him know that your sickness is because of you worrying about the past and you need to hear the truth and move on. Stop there and don't say a word ... let him make the move or gesture. Don't expect anything so you don't LB'ed. H might not open up right away and let it sinks in ... the next time you have those attack again, H might open up.<p>Is he open to MB conseling ?. I have high respect for SH. He "coaches" me withering this storm in my life.<p>God Bless you -RH-

Nikko,<p>U know how a good cook/chef can take a sort of unpleasant dish (like broccoli) and make it tasty? <p>Ok, that's what you need to do here. For me, I gave H some time (that was hard) then I redirected my question, I got him to agree to meet some of my needs, not all at once but slowly. To do this, I asked if I was meeting his and he said yes. I already knew this but now that he confirmed it, I could move forward. <p>The key was to get him on a positive note. Then I asked him if he knew my needs. He said something then I clarified. I asked him that my trust in him was shot and I needed him to rebuild it. Then a gave him 2 weeks and watched him. MInd U this was when the OW was calling every few days often with those repetative psyco calls. <p>Then I would show that my trust was going backwards whenever I learned the OW called and I had to ask if she did. I then asked if he would tell me when she called and how we planned to work on this problem together. After about 2 weeks of that I approached him with the request about me starting to feel shakey (literaly). In my sleep I shudder and even during the day when thoughts of her & him together cross my mind, my body jerks.....bad nerves. I let him see this and it hurts him. He tries to calm me down but his 'bedside' manner could use some improvement. <p>Anyway with all that behind me, I did say that my trust now needed more data to help me put closure and that I needed his help on this. I did not tell him yet. He asked and that is when I asked for what I wanted. <p>Planned, patience, timing then execution. <p>L.

wel i did it. got him dinner and after i asked if we could talk. he has been wonderful about that-he will allways talk to me. i told him that i have processed all the info i have, but im missing the ending. according to what i know, there is no end.<p>so we talked and back tracked, i know he withheld some things, but thats ok-nothing important. he somehow still believes in protecting me to a degree. we are working on that. he filled in my gaps and didnt know why i couldnt remember the phone call of when it was over- very simple, it happened after our first shooting of the elephant-he never told me about the call, because he wasnt having contact then. he realized his mistake in dates and apologized. i told him it was ok, back then you didnt feel safe to tell me about the call. we were different then.
he talked openly about stuff, and seems more at ease with why i need this info. he realizes i am healing nicely, slowly,but nicely.<p>anyway, thank you all so much for your support and ideas. hopefully i can get him to do counseling eventually. <p>on to the weekend- cooking up a storm.

I was looking for you, Nikko. I can't seem to get on the computer as often as I'd like. Wanted to touch base & see how you were doing. This is the most recent thread you posted. Hope you get this.<p>I'm glad the talk went well. Did you get all you needed? I know I always need to know everything. I was surprised that with this my husband has been so willing to answer my most detailed questions.<p>Had an awful experience today. Had sex w/H - actually wanted to... but at moment of climax, saw his face and realized that he had been "there" with someone else. He had let someone else take him there. It is the first time that "she" has intruded on us in that way. I cried for a long time. H called from work to see if I was OK. I think he's worried about me. You were right - I seem to be back in full blown depression. I cycle between deep depression and high strung anxiety. It really sucks. I left a message for my psychiatrist, but he hasn't called. I can't go through another month like this last one.

P.S. What is this elephant shooting thing?

dear lorraine-good to hear from you-have been wondering about you and how things are.<p>i know what you are talking about with the SF thing. the first time we were together after discovery started out amazing. we havent been like that since the beginning. then all of a sudden when i got to "my time" i let out a sob and cry that came from the pits of hell and my broken soul. scared the sh** out of him. i dont think he will ever forget it. i just sobbed uncontrollably for a long time. i laugh now, as you will too some day, but i would give almost anything to have the look on his face on film!!!<p>we are doing well-except the stress of taking over the dealership and his guilt are giving him a host of medical problems. we were at sons t-ball game tonight and the latest is a real nasty gum infection. it is gross-so i brought up the fact that i believe stress is weakening his system and karma is also working against him-he gave me this what do you mean look? so i said-i cant get revenge on you because i love you to much, so mother nature is taking care of it for me!! we both laughed. he has had some strange things happen to him since all of this and there is no other explaination.<p>about the elephant thing-it stands for the affair that they dont want to admit to and all that comes with it. the ive moved on thing. there is an elephant in the room and everyone just pretends not to see it and goes on with life as usual. if you look up the old posts about it its pretty funny.<p>anyway-hang in there and take it one day at a time. slow and steady. i usually try to pick one thing at a time to work on. im trying to work towards forgiveness now. it may take awhile. hang tough with the ups and downs. they are tough. i seem to not have had any downs since we truely started recovery-and i believed he is actively participating now. it took a long time.<p>hugs and strength to you-stay in touch.