Hi All!<p> I hope someone is out there today!!<p> My H called an hour ago. He's coming home on Monday to work on our M. says he'll do what ever it takes he's sorry yadda yadda yadda.<p> he seems sincere. I have NOT LB at all. Followed Plan A from a distance.I think that is why he is willing to give us a chance 3 months after D-day. <p> He is taking a semester off from school to work on us. He was in Vet school in another country. He did not get his act together in time to bring his dog home. There are certain regulations and testing that has to be done. <p> My problem is the OW is taking care of his dog until he returns in August. My H and OW hav lived together since September. She has a dog as well. He will probably say it is easier if the dog just stays with her because it is bonded to her dog and it knows the neighborhood. I hav a big problem with this. This is not cutting off all communication with OW. We have not discussed no contact yet. Although his Mother told him he could not have any contact with OW. HE agreed. And said he didn't want to. But my feasr is she will call about the dog or he will call to check onthe dog. Thus communication.<p> Can I tell him over the phone I am not comfortable with his arrangement. That i would like someone else to take care of the dog? I will pay for it if that is what it takes. Can I ask him to get someone else to take care of the dog until Aug. Or will that be a LB? Please help me!!!<p> If he says no can I suggest that there be no contact over the dog. That he will just not know about it until he goes back in Aug and SOMEONE ELSE delivers him his dog to him?
Please answer me I fear if I do not express my concern he will say "Why didn't you say something?" when he returns to the states and I DO say something! Please Help Me!

Keep your conversation brief. Ask if all alternative methods have been checked out regarding the dogs care. If you sense it has and she really is the only choice, then leave it. You can deal with that later (there are other options, like U corresponding or his parents or other friends, corresponding with her). <p>For now his head probably can't handle all that, so don't over load him. <p>You are doing good. Sorry you have this hurdle.....mine was a cell phone and rock (boulder)....yours is a dog? <p>Listen to his responses and you may be able to measure how much he is willing to put into your recovery. If he fights you now, pull back and let him wonder if he is ready to come home. Remember to show respect for you and his parents.....your H has a lot to make up for....don't do it for him. It is now his time to make it up to you. <p>L.

I hate to say this, but if you think he has broken off contact with this woman I think you are sadly mistaken.<p>I would be very, very careful with this. I'd bet money that he is going to come home, do whatever it takes to make you happy, tell you exactly what you want to hear so you'll believe everything he says, have a wonderful few months with you, and then next semester go right back to her.<p>Keep your eyes open. If he will not let you see his e-mail, regular mail, phone call records, etc - he's hiding contact.<p>This is a dreadful situation you are in. Your husband is out of the country practically honeymooning with some other woman, and you anxiously await his return so you can make him happy too?<p>You must understand - you are giving him exactly what he wants here. You are letting him have two women to bounce back and forth between, with no consequences whatsoever.<p>You can bet your house that he's lying to her, too, and letting her think the two of you are divorced, separated, or living as roommates.<p>The dog is only the tip of the iceberg. Please, please be careful so that you do not get hurt any worse than you already have been. Do not believe ANYTHING he says with hard evidence to back it up.
He's playing you like a violin.<p>Psycho_B***h

Thanks Orchid and PsychoB<p>
Orchid- I remember your boulder incident. I could not believe it! Thanks for your advice. I am very guarded right now.<p> PsychoB- I have thought what you have said. It is up to my H to prove his sincerity. The stipulation is that if he comes home and he really is sincere I will go back to school with him for the next two years. He does not know that yet. But if he refuses in August I will realize the fool I was for so long. My MIL says If my H does not ask me to go back with him, SHE will go back with him for 2 years. LOL. She is serious. She said if he can not be a man and make up for all he's done than his mommy will go to hold his hand, smack him in the head and REALLY emararrass him. I got a kick out of that.
You are right to think he is a cake-eater. I have no trust in what he says or does. That will have to be built back up. HE has to show he means it. When he called today the first thing he said was I'm sorry I didn't call. I know you were waiting and I said I would. The OW did not leave the house for 2 days and he will not call me with her there. YAdda, yadda yadda.. blow it out your a**. <p> I fear he is playing him both but I won't know until he comes home. The fact he is willing to take a semester off is a MAJOR factor. I encouraged him to follow his dream last December. Since then school has been #1. He has been driven to reach his goal with all of my support. For him to come home for 3-4 months and put school on hold tells me alot. He could EASILY stay there and finish for 2 more years, continue his honeymoon with her. I never asked him to come home. I totally backed off and did my plan A from a distance. His coming home and taking time off from school came from him. i told him I didn't want him back until he was 200% sure that was what he wanted and then he would hav eto prove it.<p> But I remain guarded and that stinks. But it is what I have to do.
I still don't know if I should say anything about the dog.
Thanks for your help!
Forgiver

Give your WS this gift ---> the opportunity to make this situation right!<p>Lay out your problem, clearly and calmly, using no threats or ultimatums ... and making no suggestions as to what he should do.<p>Something like this:<p>I am feeling VERY uncomfortable with the dog arrangement. I will feel much better, and think that rebuilding our M will be facilitated if the dog does not live with OW. Can you help me with this?<p>Then, stand back, let him work something out. This will give HIM the gift of allowing him to show you just how committed he is to rebuilding! (and if he makes excuses, or tries to make this YOUR problem ie; "you're just being silly", you will have learned much about where he actually stands)<p>What do ya think?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Pepper!
I love it!
Ilove your suggestiona and wrote it down. This gives my H the opportunity to make things right if he chooses to do so. It gives him to power to feel he is making a good decision that he knows will make me happy and score some LB $. He doesn't know about LB but I do and this would be a big deposit or withdrawl.
Thanks so much!
Forgiver

Hey All!<p> Thanks for your speedy advice! H called and we spoke like friends. He said he went to the administration and told them he needed a semester off because he hadn't seen his wife in 4 months and felt he need to withdraw to take the time to be with me. They granted him the time off.<p> As he was getting ready to hang up I asked him if I could share something that was making me uncomfortable. He said of course. So i told him what Pepper said. I told him i would leave it up to him to decide what he wanted to do but I just wanted him to know it made me feel uncomfortable that they may be communicating over the dog. I said it respectfully and with love, no LB. He said that there was nothing he could do about that now. He wasn't going to talk to her but he would see what he could do. So I just said "OK, I just wanted you to know that bothered me and I'll leave it up to you whatever you choose to do." He said he would see what he could do and call me tomorrow.<p> I like the idea of putting it in his lap and him knowing I was not confortable with the situation. Giving him control to change the situation knowing I was not comfortable. <p> The last time we were in a similar situation was when he told me he was going to move in witht the OW and they were just friends. I told him I was uncomfortable with it and it broke my heart more than anything he or anyone had ever done. I told him It hurt me to know that he knew I was uncomfortable with them living together and yet he was still willing to go through with it. <p> I didn't mention this situation but tallking about the dog brought back that memory. Of course back then I was much more defensive and hurt in my delivery of this message. This time I put the situation on him. So he has a second chance to make things right- knowing the last ime he made this decision he really f*&^%& up.<p> He didn't say anything disrespectful or say I was being silly. He seemed embarrassed-guilty? And then he just reitterated that he had to go and he would call tomorrow. <p> He asked if his potential vet employers knew he was coming home for the semester because he wanted to work with them while he was home. I told him I didn't tell anyone he was taking a semester off because I honestly didn't know what was going to happen. He said he was coming home and he wanted to work everything out and make it all right. He wanted to work because he had no money (the bank was putting $ into his account for a year-student loans -everything paid for- part of the fantasy.) He has no money of his own. I told him he didn't have to work. But he said he wanted to -so he would have some money. (I am the soul breadwinner right now so I guess that would have an effect on his great big ego right now.)<p> SO he comes home Monday and we shall see!
Thanks for all your help. Im sure I will be back for lots more over the next four months!
Forgiver

((( FORGIVER )))<p>Good luck on Monday.<p>IIXI IXII<p>(The above is "supposed" to look like I'm crossing my fingers.... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]