My wife left me and the five kids just over five weeks ago for a guy she met three weeks previously and had only met in person once. She moved in with him almost immediately. Things had been tough at home between her and myself as well as between her and the kids. Her mother had a history of doing these things, three times to be exact before my wife was thirteen. Also she has four out of six other siblings that have done very similiar things. Do to the drastic nature of her choices, I immediately cut off money, and contact via a plan B letter, but let her continue to communicate with the kids. Also she moved 700 miles away to be with this guy. Does anyone else have experience with a spouse meeting and jumping into a affair with a stranger in such short a time frame? If so could you let me know if you believe depression or anything else contributed to it? Yesterday she came back to the city, me and the kids are living in, and indicated she was missing the kids, and needed to be with them. She came to our house, and started to breakdown emotionally immediately, and continued to emotionally breakdown for the entire day yesterday, as well as today for the duration of time she has been around the kids or me. I do not know if I feel extremely sorry for her, or if she really is regretting her actions at present. This afternoon she asked me to take her to the local hospital, and she asked to be checked in. She indicated she could not handle her emotions, and just wanted to runaway as she indicated she did the first time. I have asked her to take the next few days while she is in the hospital to not focus on our relationship or the relationship she had with the other guy, but to focus on what the kids mean to her, and what she wants for her future. I have presently asked her to completely break off the relationship with the other guy, and I will work with her to help her through this. Although at present I am helping her in as many ways as I can without getting to close to her. She looks so hurt and appears to be reaching out for help, but a part of me says "once bitten twice shy", and believes I have to give her the time she is in the hospital to work things out in her mind, then ask her what she wants. Although every situation has its own circumstances, I believe people in general are alot alike, and patterns repeat themselves. If anyone can help please do so?

Hi Lost,<p>I really really REALLY strongly urge you to call Steve Harley and set up a counseling appointment. (Go through the "Counsel" link above.)<p>Your marriage might have a chance to recover, but the road to recovery is a very narrow one. Let the expert help you! He gave me alot of help, and it was more than worth the expense. This is your life, your wife's life, and your kids welfare that we are talking about!<p>It sounds to me like there is more going on here than just your wife taking off to have a fling. There are obviously some deep rooted emotional and physchological issues that she needs to address - the affair is a symptom of these issues.<p>The good news is that if she does address these issues (if she is indeed hitting rock bottom) that your marriage can go on to be a good one. She sounds like a woman in pain, not a woman who is simply having a fling for the heck of it.<p>Please call Steve H. asap. He really can help you.

This is a very dangerous situation for your 5 kids .... They may be learning from their mother's example how to "fix" their pain by running from it. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . This seems to be how your WW learned her coping techniques [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ... by following her mother's example!!!<p>NOW is your chance to stop this family tradition before your 5 kids "inherit" this running away (NON)problem-solving technique.<p>THAT is what you might want to focus on WITH YOUR KIDS .... study problem-solving with them ... educate them as to how one makes uncomfortable decisions .... model for your kids how a functional adult faces issues, (especially the tough issues) WITHOUT running away. Process your decision making with the kids, so they can choose a healthier path. (Because they have been exposed to a healthier path)<p>Your marriage may or may not survive, I am sure you will do whatever you can to make it work ... But, meanwhile, your kids are counting on you to provide a different paradigm ... a paradigm that will nurture their development into healthy adults who are not runaways from their own lives.<p>I think it is appropriate (depending on the kids' ages) to discuss this behaviour with your kids in loving, non-mommie-bashing terms .... when the timing is right. YOU doing this discussion would be , in it'self, a shining example of facing life head-on .... What do you think?<p>Stay strong, my man. You are a super hero to your kids!!!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

Lost in Space,<p>I have been where your wife not so long ago. I never left my H and C, but emotionally brokedown.<p>My husband called our family doctor and I went and spoke with him and he gave me some anti-depressants and referred me to a therapy.<p>The anti-depressants have helped level my emotions and I went for my first therapy session.<p>My mother only left us once and never came, but I was very young. Young enough that I have no memory of her living with us and my Father is an alcoholic.<p>The therapist said to me exactly what Bramblerose and Pepperband said...I was abanded emotionally as a child and never learned how to cope with things.<p>Now, this didn't make me feel any better, but he also told me I can change. That it will take time and that he felt I was teachable because I was so honest to him about all that was going on.<p>Tell your wife your love her and want her to be well, and for her to take care of herself, but to do this she must be 100% honest while she is in the hospital or therapy or whatever she does or it just won't change.<p>My H has been wonderful to me. In fact I finally told him about the MB site and he spent much time last night touring the site and reading. It seemed to open his eyes even more.<p>I wish you luck and my prayers are with your W. Where she is, is soooooo very painful. Be glad she came to you and told you first. I didn't do this and tried to make all the pain go away with bottle full of pills first. Not so smart.

I don't have much to offer you as way of help but I can say I do believe the "running away" behavior may indeed run in families. My W left me back in December with no notice or warning of any kind. I came home from work one Friday to find a note, that was it. I haven't seen W or SD's since.<p>Instead of approaching me with her unhappiness she just let it build and left. She didn't just move down the street either. She moved across the state.<p>My point in this is that her mother and grandmother both did the same thing to put and end to their marriages. My wife would tell me stories about her mother pulling her out of the school where she was in sixth grade and taking her directly from the classroom to a van with her sisters and brothers and immediately heading to the highway. They lived in California and moved to the midwest. She never saw her father, her home or friends again. She never got to say goodbye. Her parents were not in an abusive relationship, neither were we. <p>Her grandmother left her grandfather in the very same fashion, moving from the east coast to the midwest, taking my wife's mother with her.<p>Are my two SD's doomed to continue the cycle? I don't know. I sure hope not. <p>Like I said, not much help here, sorry for that. Just wanted to share yhis with you. Your story made me think.<p>Take care of yourself and good luck to you.

Oh and I forgot to mention my W was in another man's bed, on her birthday, less than two weeks after she left. She had met him on the internet.<p>She had to travel all the way back here to be with him. (He's local)

Thank-you all for the advice and the help so far. Until she came back to the city we are living in I was able to focus on the kids and their needs fairly well. The next while will be the trying part as she indicates she needs my help, but has not committed to give up contact with the other man. A large part of me believes she is insecure, and very scared of not having either a person to take care of her, or the kids in her life. I have been very discrete with her to let her know that as long as she continues to make the choices she has recently been making I will fight "tooth and nail" for the children. I am not doing this to hurt her at all, but merely because I don't want the kids to be raised in a environment that does not support the ideals I believe are important. Also if things don't work between us I don't want her to run form the next relationship the same way she feels she needs to run from this one. I thought I understood the dyanmics of how kids would handle this, but everyday it seems a new emotion arises. The next few days of her in the hospital, and the following few weeks are going to be very hard. Presently she appears to be committed to working on her problems, hopefully for all of us she remains committed. (When she went in to the hospital the doctor told her point blank, she would most likely run back to the other man within the next short time frame, he also indicated that she had voluntarily checked herself into the hospital, and if she did run, he would advise the police, and have her arrested, then placed in a psychiatric hospital for assessment. When she was still willing to check into the hospital after this, I was very surprised.)