WH in affair 9 months very emotionally attachment friends for long time etc etc. After discovery says he wants to work on Marriage I do good plan A but all the while he is still seeing her. He cakeeats, I crack he has to make decision. He wants to work on Marriage cuts contact and is in withdrawl bad. Three weeks later decides he can't live without seeing her wants to stop hurting me and moves in with her.
Yesterday he comes by house to do some stuff and see daughter. Thanks to meds I am not emotional at all. He however is an emotional wreck. Breaks down says he's sorry, thinks about coming home everyday and beg for foregiveness. Says he misses me and daughter bad but needs to see this thing through. We talk about addiction and read a little of SAA about the women who just couldn't let go and almost lost everything.
I tell him only way would be to change jobs or move because otherwise he would always be too tempted to see her. they work for same company but not in same building but she lives close by work. I tell him I love him but can't have Marriage until she is out of picture for good. I told him I will be fine with or without him. I am good person and deserve better. He agrees.
Now he says he wants to see if this is love or addiction. How the heck is he going to know the difference. I guess unless she LB's alot he'll think its love. I'm sure she is on her best behavior too. Now what? He tells me to call him if I want to talk or yell at him. I have not said or done any of that(I save it for when he leaves) I just need to take one day at a time but this is just so HARD!!!!!<p>[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: keeping faith ]</p>

How the heck is he going to know the difference<p>All you can do is all you can do. You cannot "help" him make this decision. <p>This crucible belongs to your WH. He has ownership of it. If you "help" him he will not process what he needs to process.<p>What YOU have done (and pretty darn well, I might add) is face YOUR crucible. You made your boundaries clear. ("OW out of the picture for good") You showed your strong support and love for him. You showed your self-respect ("I am a good person and deserve better") You stood up and said, "This is what I want and deserve and am willing to work for in my marriage ... and if you are willing to be on the same page ... let's roll!"<p>Now, go do something really nice for yourself. You have really done yourself proud!<p>YES, it is "HARD" .... and because it is so dog-gone "HARD" you have every reason to celebrate YOUR bravery, YOUR courage, YOUR honesty, YOUR integrity ---> because you faced this very, very "HARD" crucible, and you did not collapse!<p>I'll bet you 100 of my MIL's tamales that your WH admires your bravery, courage, integrity and honesty---> and he may be feeling that he is not "good enough" for such an amazing woman as you. (BTW... my MIL's tamales are legendary! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ... the value of 100 MIL's tamales is roughly $1000)<p>Now, your WH is off to face his crucible ... he has to do this ... let's pray he is as good at facing himself as YOU are!<p>YOU ROCK!!!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

Pepperband thank you so much for your kind words. People on this site like yourself have made me feel so much stronger. It really did feel good to feel so confident I only hope I can continue to. I know I did a good plan A for 6 months but probably LB alot everytime i demanded he stop seeing her. Now that they are living together I hope reality hits and she does all the LBing.
I am determined to be the strong and dignified one and hopefully someday he will realize what he is missing. I'm taking my daughter to the Mall today and maybe I will treat myself to something nice too. Thanks so much for your support.

"I am determined to be the strong and dignified one"<p>....yes!<p>If you want to appear attractive to your WH that is the way to go.<p>BUT ... JUST AS IMPORTANT ...you are determined to be strong and dignified because it is good for YOU .... and there is a certain charisma that will shine from your being when you behave in this honorable way.<p>Have a wonderful day/evening at the mall [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

keeping faith,<p>Just dropped in to tell you how impressed I am with where you are in this. This is so darn hard, yet you are handling yourself so well. I'll be following your story and praying that your H recommits to your M soon.<p>Take care,
Estes

Oops, double post. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

keeping faith,<p>A is a form of addiction. You know it is bad for your health but you can't pull yourself away from it. How about let your H tested his love ... let him have no contact at all with OW for 6 months and stay at home. After 6 months, reviews his "love" for OW. This is acid test for monkey love for teenage [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . You have to worry two things, put in place means of monitoring no contact and how good your plan A w/ LB.<p>Is he willing to talk to MB conselor ?.

Hi KF,<p>You are doing very well. You have shown him that you need to be treated with respect and that point does not stop you from loving him but that if he wants to M to work the OW needs to be out of your life. <p>I like that train of thought. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by keeping faith:
<strong>I tell him I love him but can't have Marriage until she is out of picture for good. I told him I will be fine with or without him. I am good person and deserve better. He agrees.<p>[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: keeping faith ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Yes, that thought will keep you stronger also the fact that you know you are worth it and can make it with or without him. Those Ws' try to use the 'guilt trip - BS thinking they can't make it without the Ws' all the time. I am glad to see that it is NOT working on U. <p>Stay strong. <p>L.<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Thank you for your support everyone. I have only told my counsellor and one friend about this whole mess as I keep thinking it is a bad dream and I't just wake up tomorrow and it will be gone.
Redhat the problem is he can't stay away from her that's why he is with her now. I think he felt as if he didn't give it a go with her he would never know. Addiction right?
While we were working on Marriage past six months I did agree to get him to Counseling. He is still going since he says he is the one with the problem. He acknowledged my changes but says he still couldn't get passion back. Meanwhile he is still seeing her. I honestly beleive he thought that if he could get his feelings back for me he would no longer need her. But it didn't happen because he was still sneaking off to see her. I tried to convince him and so did counsellor it wasn't going to happen until she was out of picture but it fell on deaf ears.
Now he is living with her. I just have to wait and see what happens. I know deep down inside is that good man I married. I just hope he emerges soon. Thanks.